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Kristin Machina
(electric tomato)
05/05/01 01:44 AM
Splitting Headache (kept) new  

A fictional tale hypothesizing why it's so darn hard for Bowie to quit smoking....

Two cigarettes. That's all he had this day was two cigarettes--one in the morning, and one at night. David sits at his kitchen table--fidgity, with a pounding headache. He glances at the microwave clock--2:30 AM. He's usually in bed by 10 PM. His wife and daughter are fast asleep--he would hate to wake up either needlessly. He swishes down the rest of his glass of water, as it chases down the two aspirins he just took.

He is due to be at the set of a new video he's shooting for "Toy". His record company INSISTED, he growls to himself.

David was determined to kick his habit. But kicking the butts seems almost as bad as smoking. Why is it so hard to stop?

Another headache attack--this one seemed worse than before. Where is this coming from, he thinks as he lays his head on the table...
Within Bowie's unconscious mind, where not even he knows what's going on...


The Thin White Duke was in a foul mood. He always in a foul mood, but this time, he was getting to be dangerously violent!
The Duke stood on the balcony of a large castle in the middle of a small town called Suffragette City. He was conjuring up the biggest tempest he had ever cast!

"WHERE'S MY SMOKE!!???" The Duke bellows.

"Shaddup out there..." a cockney voice shouts

"We're trying to sleep..." another younger voice shouts.

"NOBODY rests until I get my desired amount of nicotine!" The Duke screams. KRAKA-BOOOOOM!

Elsewhere, out on Earthling's Plains....

"MEOW! Make it stop!" Hunky Dory, a sphinx in Egyptian garb, cowers up in a tree.

"Dory, get down from there!" Halloween Jack, a half-dog peoploid with a red mullet and eye-patch, growls up at the captive kitty.

"It's yurr fault I'm up her-urr," Dory mews. "You chased me up her-urr."

Then, a bolt of lightning inadvertently strikes the tree, sending Dory tumbling down: "MEEEEOOOOW!" Lucky for him, his cat-like reflexes let him land on his feet.

"You OK?" Jack asked.

"I....I think so, mew!" Dory shakes and licks his paws. Then they lock eyes. Jack starts to growl. Dory's back arches. And the chase continues....

Back at the castle....

Knock, Knock!

"Go away!" The Duke warns, but the intruder enters anyway.

Screamin' Lord Byron, a silver-skinned man with a turban, a sleeping mask, genie pants and an oversized "Frankie Says Relax" T-shirt saunters in.

"Pardon me, your Thin White Highness," Byron yawns with a snobbish tone, "but you ARE making a bit of a racket, and I DO need my beauty sleep."

"Oh." The Duke does not face Byron, and keeps his blank stare out over the city. "You want to sleep, do you?"

"And Richocet wants to sleep, and Zane and Earthling--and Berlin says you're disturbing his work. Mr. Touchshriek thinks we're in an air raid..."

"I'll put you ALL to sleep!" The Duke spins around in a snap, startling Byron. The Duke glares at him with his pale, bony, stone-cold face. "Would you like to join Ziggy--in his never-ending slumber?" The Duke lifts his hand, and two darts materialize. He stalks Byron, as the hapless rock star back away toward the door.
"I've dealt with the insult of having my cocaine disappear," the Duke fumes, "Now, if I don't get my desired amount of cigarettes, we will all be sleeping for a long, long time! DO YOU UNDERSTAND!!??"

The Duke takes aim, as a terrifyed and confused Byron runs through the door. The door slams the millisecond two darts plant themselves into the oak.

Byron breathes heavily, wearily walking home, "He's gone mad...God help us all..."

To be continued...

Don't understand me, just love me

Edited by Sysiyo on 10/08/04 10:32 AM (server time).

05/05/01 08:01 PM
Re: Splitting Headache new [re: Kristin Machina]  

oh...cool idea. i like this multiple personality war going on. why did you chose for the duke to be the dominate character? i like the cat/dog chase. also, i pictured this as a very dream like world, and maybe like sparks in the sky where neurons are firing from the brain's activity. keep it up, i want to hear more!!! starbuck

"and you'll stop me, wont you, if you've heard this one before. the one where i surprise you by showing up at your front door. saying let's not ask what next, or how or why, cause i am leaving in the morning, so lets not be shy." Shy--Ani DiFranco

(mortal with potential)
05/05/01 08:47 PM
Re: Splitting Headache new [re: Kristin Machina]  

That's so awesome! It's so creative, you've got to write more of it! *applauds*

Angel's Realm

(crash course raver)
05/06/01 00:59 AM
Re: Splitting Headache new [re: Kristin Machina]  

hehe, read my limerick about this topic over on the "End" thread, Kristin. Nice story!

The Atonal Express left the tonal world behind......

Kristin Machina
(electric tomato)
05/06/01 02:01 AM
Splitting Headache--Part II new [re: Kristin Machina]  

Big thanks to all who responded! I'll keep writing....
"Darling," Iman nudged David awake. I was 3:00 AM.

"Ugh...is Lexie OK?" David rubbed his temples.

"She's fine. David, perhaps you ought to see a doctor. You could be having a migraine."

"What I need is a fag."

Yesss...that's it...

"Oh, David," Iman sat on his lap, and folded her arms around his shoulders....


"I am sorry if I pushed you into this," she says. "I would let you smoke until you are one hundred years if it would make the pain go away. But I know that your father died at about your age from lung disease, and I am so afraid of losing you."

Longevity is overrated...let him smoke...

"It's not just you," David put her head on his shoulder. "I'd been trying to quit for years. But...nah, it's stupid..."

"What, darling?"

"I swear I hear this voice telling me to smoke again. The voice always wins. Maybe I'm just a high-functioning undiagnosed schitzophrenic with dependency issues."

"Well, if the voice comes back, tell me and I'll yell at him and make him go away!"

David laughed out loud, then muffled himself, hoping he didn't just wake up Alex.

Iman continued, "And you have got Duncan, and Zu, and four against one is not bad odds, no?"

David grinned, "No." He and his plucky wife kiss.

Iman: "And you're breath will smell better too."

David razzes her, as she then laughs out loud, "OK, Mr. Jones, back to bed, now!"

"I thought you liked the smell of my smokes," he pouts.

"I can always tell how long it's been between cigs--the longer, the worst it was."

"Ooooh, after 9 years, it comes out," David mocks scolds her as they creep off to bed.

"You got to be honest in marriage. Tom and Nicole--If he would have told her he was gay..."

"He's not gay! He's too bloody wierd..."

"Wait," Iman pauses. "Are you sure you don't want a quick smoke to take the edge off?"

Yes...YES...that's more like it...


"As moonlight."

David thinks. "Nah. I'll be OK." Off to bed...
Suffragette City...

"DAMN YOU WOMAN!!" KRAKA-KA-BOOOOOM! The Duke screams, "I was so close...so close...."

To be contined...'cause I'm tired and I gotta go to work tomorrow...[/i}

Don't understand me, just love me

05/07/01 00:53 AM
Re: Splitting Headache--Part II new [re: Kristin Machina]  

HAHA, THAT WAS GREAT!!! i just loved the joke about tom cruise, thats awesome. do you really think that david and iman are that sappy in real life? all cute and adorable? gag!!! the duke is a really cool dude though, i like him a lot...keep writing!!! starbuck

"and you'll stop me, wont you, if you've heard this one before. the one where i surprise you by showing up at your front door. saying let's not ask what next, or how or why, cause i am leaving in the morning, so lets not be shy." Shy--Ani DiFranco

Kristin Machina
(electric tomato)
05/07/01 00:58 AM
Splitting Headache--Splitting Hairs new [re: Kristin Machina]  

Bowie's Unconcious Mind...

Nana's Hair Salon, Nail Parlor and Deli...

"Byron, luv," Liza was busy styling hair. Liza wore a black bee-hive and a polka-dot dress. "You're too quiet today. Usually you're going on about how stunningly beautiful I am."

"No, Liza," Veronica replied, carefully sculpting Byron's nails. She had long, luxurous blond hair and a pale pink shimmering gown--and at the moment, an apron: "He's usually going on about how stunningly beautiful HE is!"

"Sorry," Byron said weakly, "Haven't slept well."

"Well, it's nine o'clock," Nana, an old woman with short blond hair and a tweed jacket carried a bagel omlette and juice, "and the Body's already taken his morning smoke. That should keep the Duke quiet for a while."

"Oh, but it's still so gloomy outside," Liza shivers. "I wanted to picnic out on Earthling Plains."

Byron stared blankly out into the mirror.

"Byron?" Veronica nudged.


"Something's wrong."

"Wot? Nails splitting?"

"No," Veronica stood up, arms crossed. "You're staring out into space. Not like your usually "I'm-so-pretty" gaze into the mirror. What's wrong?"

"Spill, hon!" Liza tugged at a lock. "We're here for ya?"

"Anything at all--you can tell us!" Nana added.

Byron sighed deeply, "I went to the Duke's castle last night..."

"OH, That's scary! I could never do that!" Liza shrieked.

"Anyway," Byron sighed again, "I simply couldn't take the boomin' noise anymore and I..."

"That reminds me," Nana interrupted, "Algeria called last night and said our shop would most likely be hit by lightning, so he INSISTED we share a room at his 'lightning-proof' shop."

"Bet he thought we'd all share a bed together too," Veronica huffed. "Old pervert..."

"LET ME FINISH, PLEASE!" Byron shouted.

"Sorry," the ladies chorused.

"I asked him to turn down the noise, and he almost threw darts in my eyes, saying he would put us all to sleep if he didnt get his nicotine."

The girls stood silent for a moment, puzzled.

"He's insane," Liza snipped at a lock, "not the nice kind of insane like Laddie."

"No, he's sane, alright," Veronica said darkly, "he's just a mean, bitter, burnt-out, spoiled bastard!"

"GIRLS!" Nana warned, then whispered, "he can hear you. You'd better not make him angrier."

"Sane or no," Byron said, "I'm afraid he'll do something we'll all regret."

To be continued..."

Don't understand me, just love me

Kristin Machina
(electric tomato)
05/07/01 02:37 AM
Splitting Headache--Coffee and TV new [re: Kristin Machina]  

David coos, "Ah, my black beauty, even when I kick my habit, I'll never let you go! Let me put my lips to you..."

Iman peers in from another room, burping Lexie and giggles to herself: "He's enjoying his coffee WAY too much!"
Bowie's sub-conscious mind...

The Moonage Daydream Tavern and Coffee Shop...

"Coffee's on!" Monte perks up an urn. Monte is the barkeep, and even though he was a movie role and not created by Bowie, he was granted citizenship in Suffragette City. He won the respect of the townspeople by getting them all pissed-drunk every night.

"Make mine an Irish Coffee, will ya?" Tin Machine shouted from the poker table--not the whole band, just it's frontman.

Monte is also a compulsive gambler and runs a perfectly legal casino. This morning is the Bowies' daily poker game.

"A bit early to be drinking, ain't it mate?" Earthling winked. He had orange spiky hair, a goatee and a Union Jack coat.

"Hey, Spike-head, after that %$#@in' thunderstorm last night by that mother-%$#@in' Duke, I could use something stiff!" Tin Machine rubbed his scruffy beard and ran a hand through his mousey hair. He had the filthiest mouth of all the Bowies.

"Where's Yankee and Richocet?" Zane shuffles the cards. He had long blond hair tied back and a calf-length dress--the Man Who Sold the World. But that name was too long for everyone, so he became Zane, as in "ouvre le chien."

"Morning boxing," Earthling replied.

"I almost feel bad for Yankee. That skinny tangerine-haired kid sparing against that tan, buff blond." Monte poured the java.

"HA! Rich must knock the s%*t outta him! Man, if I ever saw Yank beat Rich, I'd piss my pants!" Tin gaffawed.

"Ya know, Tin," Earthling took a mug from Monte, "I don't know what's stronger--Monte's coffee or your language."

"Oh, pardon moi, Mr. 'Tits and Explosions.'" Tin said sarcasticly.

"'Pussy in Cars!'" Zane added.

"OK," Earthling threw up a hand, "relax, I didn't mean anything by it..."

"OH DEAR GAWD!" Tin laughed again--Richocet just walked in, carrying Yankee over his shoulder.

"Yankee!" the Bowies jumped up. "Richocet, what did you do?"

"Nothing!" the blond lay the unconscious soul-man on a bench. "I barely hit him and he was down for the count!"

Yankee woke up, "I didn't sleep last night."

"That's makes two of us," Zane added.

"All of us!" Earthling agreed.

"Rich, you in the game?" Zane asked. "Yankee, why don't you lie down and watch some TV?"

"What's on?" Yankee asked.

"The Body's shooting a video," Zane answered.

"Bo-ring!" Yankee yawned.

"Right, no matter how many he makes, mine will always be better!" Richocet puffs his chest.

"No way, mate!" Earthling retorted. "You made some poor Aborginanie scrub a busy highway!"

"Yeah...well...your videos are...wierd...and mine got played more!"

Tin added: "That's because MTV only had about 20 videos that they played all the &%$#in' time!"

"Anyway," Richocet takes the tavern TV remote, "what else is on?"

He turns the TV on. Static...

"Aw, damn, storm musta knocked out the reception," Yankee turned off the TV. "I'm taking a nap."

"We're short a player," Earthling noted. "Monte...join in?"

"Er...no," Monte declined politely, "I still owe from last week.I need to cut back..."

"How do you like that," Tin opened the windows and shouted outside, "a Bowie with SELF-CONTROL!"

"No, Tin," the others tried to pull him back in, when a peel of lightning appeared from the castle, aimed at the tavern! The men hit the floor, bracing for impact...

Kraka--BO--POW! Another bolt of lightning--red and blue--flashed outside and canceled the deadly white bolt.

"Did it hit?" Zane asked.

"No, we're safe," Richocet picked himself up. The men peeked outside. The tavern was not hit--if it did, the tavern would be burnt to ashes!

Earthling breathed a sigh of relief: "Thank you, Aladdin Sane!"

To be continued...

Don't understand me, just love me

(crash course raver)
05/07/01 04:19 AM
Oh, my. new [re: Kristin Machina]  


05/07/01 11:52 AM
Re: Splitting Headache--Coffee and TV new [re: Kristin Machina]  

WOO HOO!!! starbuck (clapping her hands, and grinning ear to ear)

"and you'll stop me, wont you, if you've heard this one before. the one where i surprise you by showing up at your front door. saying let's not ask what next, or how or why, cause i am leaving in the morning, so lets not be shy." Shy--Ani DiFranco

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