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twister
(cracked actor)
08/07/01 09:28 AM
Twister's Labyrinth Fiction (kept)  

CHAPTER ONE

Most guys think they know how to masturbate. While it's true, of course, that most guys are familiar with the ins and outs of the situation, no mortal could ever truly know how to masturbate. Even if a guy spent every waking second of the day experimenting with himself, as well as occasionally scaring conceited girls at bus stops, he would still never really know how to bring himself to states of pleasure that are available through that particular organ. It comes with the territory. Create mankind, and only give them an average of seventy years to live, they'll never really develop any sense of what one can achieve taking matters into their own hands. Jareth, on the other hand, had been alive close to three thousand years. If you want to know the real deal with Jesus H. Christ, he's the one to ask. If you want to feel like your entire life has been one tiny insignificant drop in an inconsequential universe, he's the one to talk to. More importantly, he's had plenty of time to learn all those secrets about masturbation that can make your eyes pop out, and break windows from fifty paces.

There are so many details your average man has neither the time, imagination of effort to care about. Where the fingers are placed. Cutting your fingernails. Knowing the circumference, radius and exact locations of certain spots some men may never know exist, and the exact friction with which rubbing brings greatest pleasure. The level of moisture the hands should exist with. Whereabouts one should prod one self during orgasm to heighten the sensation. Which particular dental hygiene product should be smeared on one's testicles. There are five million, seventy-two thousand, three hundred and forty-seven things a guy can do to make masturbation more enjoyable, and Jareth knew most of them. If he ever offers to give you a hand-job, just say no. The rest of your life will be a meaningless experience from the point forwards. Though some people may argue it would be worth it. If Jareth ever wrote a book detailing all these secrets, the economics of the world would collapse. Every man in the world would retreat to the comforts of his home, and feel like they've wasted their lives up to that point and have no intention of wasting it any longer. They would, in theory, forget to eat, but luckily various foodstuffs are used throughout the book, and while it usually wouldn't be considered hygienic to eat these foods afterwards, these men would all be too busy to worry about such trivial things.

CHAPTER TWO

As the teeny, tiny specks of water came out the shower nozzle, Sarah locked the bathroom door and began to undress. She always had the uneasy sensation of being watched when she was naked. She had experienced this since she has first developed those feminine squidgy bits men love so much at the age of twelve, and had chalked it down to a basic human paranoia, and a lack of confidence with her sexuality. Well, that, and the fact her bathroom curtains had a rather severe tear in them. She had taken to hanging sheets on the inside of the curtains, on the off chance that anyone could see in they'd get an eyeful of sheet, instead of yummy goodness. Her stepmother had told her that she was very conceited, and that no one could see through that window at such a height at any rate. Sarah had stormed off in a tantrum, at the time, locked herself in the room and shouted "it's not fair" a whole lot. This wasn’t a very rational thing to do, but then Sarah wasn't a very rational person.

As Sarah stood there in her underwear, she tried to pluck up the courage to whip it all off and get in the shower. This was when the paranoia was the strongest. Once she got over it, and removed her undergarments it was always something of a relief. The paranoia was still there, of course, but more as a relaxed, general uneasiness, then what she was experiencing now. The current paranoia was like being the focus of the whole world. She half expected pictures of herself to turn up in tabloids, the paranoia was so great. Of course, they never did, but the fact that nothing had gone wrong up 'til now, was only a sign that it was going to happen.

She unfastened her bra, and carefully placed it on the pile with the rest of her clothes. She held an arm in front of her breasts as a ward against the paranoia, then cursed her own stupidity for doing so. She put her arms firmly by her side as a stand to herself not to let fear rule her life. She slipped what was left off, and the pile increased slightly. Naked as the day she was born, but significantly larger, and a whole lot more desirable, she stepped into the shower, and allowed the warm water to massage her skin in a futile attempt to ease her paranoia. Before long she picked up the soap and started washing her arms.

CHAPTER THREE

Jareth sat in his room, gazing into his crystal ball. He knew he had gone about earning Sarah's love the wrong way some months earlier. You can't just throw your balls in someone's face and offer them their dreams, it doesn't work that way. He knew that now, but it mattered very little anyway. If he had won her, well, then what? Sure, so he'd have a whole lot of sex, but he'd also have to put up with her incessant whining about how unfair everything was. Yes, she was beautiful, but if he'd won her she would cease to be the beautiful girl of her dreams, and she'd become the bitch who kept complaining about how fat she was, despite how obvious it was she was prefect. Besides, he knew she hadn't had as much practice with the male member as he had himself. True, his was the only one he'd ever touched (although malicious scandals, mostly started by a swamp troll named Angelina, had claimed otherwise), but still - he'd touched his own member much more often than Sarah had even speculated about such things. He made a much better lover to himself than she ever could.

She was in the crystal ball before him, and as per usual was pausing when down to her underwear. Jareth felt quite guilty about watching her sometimes. This girl had actually put up a sheet across the curtains, despite the fact no one could possibly see through them, and here he was taking advantage of situations she couldn't possibly help. After a while he'd simply decided, what the hell. His focus on her was at it's most intense when she was in her underwear. He always worried that she might, for some reason, wind up putting her clothes back on and doing crosswords instead of getting nice and clean, like every good girl should. The more she paused, the more he focused. The more he focused, the more she paused. Eventually though, she always gave in. Mortals have always had great defence mechanisms which will allow them to deny things to themselves that they know be true. Jareth believed deep down in her paranoia she knew him to be watching, and with this he justified his voyeurism. This goes to show mortals aren't the only ones capable of deluding themselves.

Jareth began removing his tights. She was still in her underwear at this point, and he didn't plan on starting anything until she was getting good and frothy, but those tights could be tricky to get off, and so he decided to get a head start. Jareth had always prided himself on having such a large prick. It helped boost the confidence he'd lost by only being able to afford a relatively small chariot. Before long Sarah was cleansing what religious mothers might possibly refer to as "dirtypillows", and Jareth was visualising himself being there with her, intent on making them dirty again. At this point Unka came in. Unka was a goblin. Unka didn't like being a goblin. Being a goblin meant you had to have a stupid name. Unka did, however, like working for Jareth. Unka, along with some of the other goblins of a less-than-hetero approach to sexuality had learned to time their collections of laundry to coincide with Sarah's showers. The sight of Jareth in tights had long ago cemented in them the desire to catch him with them down, and once they cracked the times of when he was likely to be up to mischief, they never missed an opportunity. Jareth quickly jerked to one side, so as the shooting semen wouldn't smash the crystal ball in a billion itty-bitty pieces, and instead it wound up catching Unka on the forehead.

"Terribly sorry", Jareth lied, without conviction.

"Don't mention it", Unka replied, trying to sound annoyed but barely able to hide his elation. He wiped the semen from his head, and tried to discreetly keep it in a safe place for later oral sampling.

"She will be mine one day, you know", Jareth said, gesturing to the crystal ball. Not that he had much of a desire to speak to Unka, but everyone knows villains love to brag about accomplishments they have yet to even achieve.

"Oh yes, sir? How can you be so sure?" asked Unka, barely able to hide the disappointment at his master having made such a heterosexual statement.

"Because this is Labyrinth fan-fiction, you dolt!" came the reply, "have you ever read one in which I didn't bag the slut?"

TO BE CONTINUED...

I hope that I can say the things I wish I'd said.

Edited by Sysiyo on 06/23/04 07:09 AM (server time).



Echoes Of A Fairy
(cracked actor)
08/07/01 10:15 AM
Re: Twister's Labyrinth Fiction new [re: twister]  

In reply to:

"Because this is Labyrinth fan-fiction, you dolt!" came the reply, "have you ever read one in which I didn't bag the slut?"


Nice line. Unfortunately not true though, since I for one have read many Labyrinth fan fic stories with nooo Sarah in 'em at all...
....oh, never mind.



~I was an Artiste~

twister
(cracked actor)
08/07/01 11:02 AM
Virtually Offended new [re: Echoes Of A Fairy]  

In reply to:

Unfortunately not true though, since I for one have read many Labyrinth fan fic stories with nooo Sarah in 'em at all...


Wow. I'm genuinely surprised. I haven't actually read any Labyrinth fiction, beyond what Coan Teen's wrote so far, so I didn't have a lot to go on.

Don't you think maybe you're read maybe just a smidgen too much Laby fiction, SPF?

I hope that I can say the things I wish I'd said.

power2charm
(crash course raver)
08/07/01 12:45 PM
Our Sarah is a clean teen! new [re: twister]  

In reply to:

TO BE CONTINUED...


Oh, be careful what you promise, comfortable laddy. Those words can become such a burden -- believe me!

This was thoroughly revolting in spots. However I loved the cliff-hanger line. Now you have a standard of merrity to maintain.

Final tip: spend more time discussing the nubile Sarah's shower habits. The gay troll makes for rotten lunchtime reading.

I strive to be brief, and I become obscure. ~Horace~


decibel
(crash course raver)
08/07/01 12:50 PM
Re: Twister's Labyrinth Fiction new [re: twister]  

OMG! This is soooo gooood! Please write some more. Soon. I can't WAIT to hear what happens to Sarah and Jareth. And Jareth's tights.


PS - p2c How DARE you show your face in this forum without adding another chapter to your story!

This monster beauty is not eternal. - Apollinaire

twister
(cracked actor)
08/07/01 01:09 PM
Chapters 4-7 new [re: twister]  

CHAPTER FOUR

Michael was a fourteen-year-old boy. Like all fourteen year old boys he was an annoying brat, that should have been locked away in a cellar somewhere and given a porno mag and a couple of years in which to mature. Unfortunately, the RSPCC object to such forms of raising children, and as such his parents had no choice but to let the boy loose to annoy the world at large. The worst thing of course, about fourteen year old boys, is their ability to make slightly older boys be reminded of what complete and total twats they used to be. Michael would have taken great pride in this ability, had he been aware of it, but of course, being a fourteen year old boy he was only aware of three things. Football, food and masturbation. Some people think boys this age should be better at such activities than even Jareth, given their natural wanker-ishness, however, such people are wrong. Of course, some boys are having sex at the age of twelve and younger, but Michael was not one of these boys. The only chance you stand as a fourteen-year-old boy is finding a girl who doesn't realise what a complete and total twat you are. Luckily, at this age the girls of your affections tend to be over-ran by hormones, and hormones can over-ride such things as common sense, and the smell of boys only just discovering deodorant. When hormones don't quite do the trick one tends to top it up with cider. Michael had yet to find a girl whose hormones were bouncing in his direction, and he was cursed with the plague of many great people - a conscience. No getting girls drunk and on the sofa for this boy, nosireebob. No, he'd wait until he found someone who genuinely cared for him and would sleep with him because they wanted to, not because they were too intoxicated to stand up.

Until that day he would just stick to cheap porn videos and compulsive masturbation, waiting patiently for the day someone would invent the internet so he could pretend to be a lesbian, and masturbate while talking to other men pretending to be lesbians in lesbian chat rooms.

CHAPTER FIVE

It was Sarah's fifteenth birthday. She'd managed to convince her dad and step-mum to spend the night elsewhere. It had been a lot easier than she'd expected. She mentioned the idea, and they jumped straight to it, muttering something about motels, and something about not having to worry about keeping the noise down anymore. They took all the whipped cream. Sarah had wanted to ask them to leave some whipped cream behind because, well, she happened to like whipped cream, but there's an unspoken rule among teenagers that you don't ask your parents to leave home for the night and then ask them to leave the whipped cream. That kind of thing can give the wrong impression.

Sarah was depressed. Of course boys, without exception, were thoroughly stupid creatures, who couldn't be trusted. If they thought they could get a blowjob by saying they love you, they will. If they think you'll sleep with them if they act like nice people when you're around, they will. Objectively thinking, one could say that this is actually thoroughly clever behaviour, but Sarah was in no mood for objective thinking, and boys were stupid.

But she still wanted one. Maybe not one to keep, but she definitely wanted some sex. Of course, this was a horribly slutty thing to feel, right? Sex was supposed to be a consummation of love, not some physical act done like animals for gratification... right? Sure, boys were stupid creatures only interested in one thing, but she was pretty interested in that thing herself, so where was the harm? She felt confused, and thought maybe a shower might help, but the idea of the paranoia kicked in, and she had no intent of facing it right now.

She was to have a party that night. Birthdays are good excuses for parties. There would be boys there.

CHAPTER SIX

In the privacy of his own room Unka wiped his finger inside his pocket, and retrieved a foreign substance. He licked it tentatively. He gave it a moment's consideration.

"Salty".

CHAPTER SEVEN

The party went the way parties of this nature always went. Everyone get very drunk. A few of the guys got very naked. Asking the kind of girl who attends these parties "Have you ever been propositioned by a naked boy incapable of standing?" would be the equivalent of asking the sun: "Hey, are you a star?" None of the girls would get naked of course, they were altogether a much too intelligent creature for that, but when pressed those that were hungry for the attention would expose their breasts to the inferior male creatures. The thought process went something like this:
Female: Let's show these dim-witted creatures the treasures they shall never partake in.
Male: Woah, tits!

Sarah was drunker than most. She had resolved that she was going to satisfy the unnatural urge for sex, and in order to be willing to fulfil that urge with one of the unwashed miscreants at this party she guessed quite correctly she'd need to be rather drunk. She scanned the room for a likely candidate. She immediately ruled out the boys that had got naked. It's a remarkable curio that boys this age seem to genuinely believe the sight of their over-weight under-endowed bodies will reduce the female population to a quivering frenzy of desire, when in actual fact they're just crossing themselves off every girl's "to do" list. She ruled out the stoners in the corner on the ground that if they did dope they were likely to do heroin, and if they did heroin they were likely to have diseases. This was of course gross over-generalisation, but Sarah, being a fifteen-year old girl always over-generalised. It's a well-known fact that all fifteen-year old girls over-generalise at every given opportunity.

Then she saw Michael. His hair was less greasy than most, and it was slightly overgrown. The slight over-growth in itself hardly made her ache with desire, but it certainly made him stand out from the crowd which consisted of type A: those that follow fashion, and type B: what's a hairdresser's? Michael was a definite possibility. Sarah knew he was a virgin himself, and as such she wouldn't feel like a conquest. His teeth were, well, one couldn't be so pushed as to say "clean", but certainly less yellow than the rest of the boys. Sarah realised she'd been staring at him for some time now, and he was starting to look nervous. She didn't feel ready. Of course she didn't, she barely knew the guy, let alone trusted him enough to share that first sexual encounter with him. There were two viable options. One: Get very, very drunk, or two: back down and wait until you find the love of your life, and then give yourself to him, and know it's all the more special that you've waited so long and you love each other more than life itself.

She tossed a coin.

TO BE CONTINUED...

I hope that I can say the things I wish I'd said.

theladyprimrose
(wild eyed peoploid)
08/07/01 01:50 PM
Re: Cahpters four through seven new [re: twister]  

I've read a lot of Labyrinth fanfic and never a finished one. Keep at it. It's getting pretty good.

Peace,
theladyprimrose

Turn and face the stranger!



Mousey
(grinning soul)
08/07/01 02:27 PM
Re: Cahpters four through seven new [re: twister]  

My god. Your work needs to be published! It's fantastic. Keep up the good work... and write faster!

"Porridge... we'll eat porridge." *smacks lips*

twister
(cracked actor)
08/07/01 03:03 PM
Chapters 8-10 new [re: twister]  

CHAPTER EIGHT

Jareth was feeling bored out of his mind. Despite common belief we has not, in fact, immortal. Nor was he, despite the title of "Goblin King" a goblin. Technically, he wasn't a king either. He didn't see the point in labelling himself, and seen as every bloodline in every family, in every world gets pretty watered down in the end he didn't see how anyone else could either. Sure, lots of people think they're human, but if only they knew just how often their great great grandmother had been impregnated by dogs, then they wouldn't be so sure. Not just dogs. Horses, elephants, French people, all kinds of disgusting creatures. It wouldn't have surprised many to find out Jareth had a large does of elven blood in him, though he also had mortal blood, and many other species involved in his genetic make up he didn't even know about. Some believe he may be related to Tina Turner, but that's probably just a vicious rumour.

Jareth was sitting in a chair in an open courtyard, his legs swung casually over one side. One might note the boredom on his face and feel sympathy for this creature who's most likely to live another three thousand years alone. But one would be more likely to stare at the bulge in his tights and wonder if he doesn't realise they're a bit on the tight side. Since the whole Sarah thing hadn't worked out his life had been at something of a stand still. He'd considered stealing some more babies, but frankly he didn't need any more goblins around the place. Besides, some older sibling who looked four years older than she really was would only come and rescue him, and become the focus of Jareth's repressed sexual desires. Jareth knew sequels that follow the exact same plot as the original are best avoided, so he had no desire to do the same things again.

Jareth jumped to his feet, in a motion likely to have caused friction burns in the area of the tights likely to get the most focus by half the population of the world. He grabbed a rather cute muppet (sorry, a rather hideous goblin), by the scruff of the neck and flatly asked it: "What d'you do when you're bored?"

As if by magic, which it almost certainly was, a beat started in the background...

"How bored?"

"Bored enough to cry."

"Cry why?"

"Cry through boredom."

At this the muppet/goblin paused to think. As he responded the beat immediately died. Goblins aren't always the brightest creatures, and it can be hard to expect someone to spontaneously know what to say to set you up for a song.

"Well, I go for walks, sometimes. I quite like to play chess. And sometimes, if you're fast enough, those chickens are excellent for--"

Jareth clamped his hand over the goblins mouth:

"I urge you not to finish that sentence."

As Jareth's hand came away, the goblin finished it.

"Eating, your majesty. The chickens are excellent for eating".

Jareth put him down, and left in search for intellectual stimulation.

"That was close. For a minute there I thought you were going to blow the whistle on our chicken fucking!", chimed in a second goblin.

CHAPTER NINE

Vodka. Lots. That was. That was lots. That was a lot of lot of lot of vodka. Sarah felt like the room was, well, not exactly spinning, more like flexing and contorting as if it wasn't sure exactly what shape it was meant to be. The people all seemed so strange to Sarah. Let's go back into Sarah's mind a bit, shall we?

People. Strange people. Looking at me like, like, like, like. Strange people. My head's shaking. People. Couples dancing. Couples kissing. I'm so alone. I'm shaking. Lots of vodka. Stop looking at me. Michael. Michael.

She approached Michael, and he smiled uneasily at her. She took his hand and spoke. She sounded half-dead.

"Come with me".

CHAPTER TEN

Jareth sat in front of the chessboard, on the cold stone floor. The game wasn't doing anything to relieve his boredom. It gave him peculiar thoughts. There was something about knights taking bishops that didn't quite sit right with him. If the bishops were consenting that would be fair enough, but for a knight to move in a funny L shape, and take the bishop without warning, it wasn't right, not right at all. The game enforced unfair sexual stereotypes also. While the queen could go as far as it wanted, the king could only go one small step each turn. It seemed so unfair that the game should enforce such racial differences also, forcing the whites to rage war on the blacks every game. Couldn't there have been white and black soldiers on each army? Not to worry, he thought. It's only a game of course, he knew.

He moved his rook three spaces horizontally, putting the other army in check. Then he turned the board around to try to get out of it again.

TO BE CONTINUED...

I hope that I can say the things I wish I'd said.

ziggywombat
(electric tomato)
08/07/01 04:56 PM
Re: Twister's Labyrinth Fiction new [re: twister]  

you're a funny guy..

but it's obvious you hadn't read much serious fic, becuase serious fic is usually naughtyer.

he started drinking coffee, too much sugar on the go... he fell dead on the floor, he thought the coke was sweet 'n' low!


NoGame
(stardust savant)
08/07/01 05:58 PM
When does Moira come in? new [re: twister]  

Someone is filling someone else's gap quite nicely...

Know what I mean?

NoGame
Give her one last kiss
Dive right out the window screaming


Goddess_Ziggy
(absolute beginner )
08/07/01 08:45 PM
Attachment
Lets have a look-see... new [re: NoGame]  

If you have an imagination...
See Attachment...
Hope that works...



Goddess_Ziggy
(absolute beginner )
08/07/01 09:08 PM
Attachment
More Naughty-Ness new [re: Goddess_Ziggy]  

More Bits of Jareth-Ness
Hmm, there les off Ness-Ness here....



Goddess_Ziggy
(absolute beginner )
08/07/01 09:14 PM
Attachment
But Wait! Theres More! new [re: Goddess_Ziggy]  

I know, I keep replying to my own posts...aww screw it this is the last one...
btw, these pics, (hope she doesnt mind me borrowing)are from Stacy B's site...
http://community-2.webtv.net/MagpieGirl/JarethsWarpedLittle/
Soo there, I dropped her site to you all, that makes up for taking the pics...umm..BORROWING that is..yeah..



PHOENIX
(electric tomato)
08/07/01 09:51 PM
Re: Twister's Labyrinth Fiction new [re: twister]  

In reply to:

You can't just throw your balls in someone's face and offer them their dreams, it doesn't work that way.


Tis so true...tis so true...

Love the double meaning.

Teach us to delight in simple things,
And mirth that has no bitter springs
Forgiveness free of evil done,
And love to all men 'neath the sun.

RUDYARD KIPLING

sondra
(kook)
08/07/01 09:53 PM
Re: Twister's Labyrinth Fiction new [re: twister]  

Hey!!! This is very ........hmmmm.....shall we say, interesting maybe??!! Keep writing please!!

"For me a chameleon is something that disguises itself to look as much like its environment as possible. I always thought I did exactly the opposite of that." ~ David Bowie, 1993

Remade/Remodeled
(crash course raver)
08/07/01 10:52 PM
Bravo new [re: twister]  

This is perhaps the funniest thing I have ever, in all my four months or possesing it, seen on the internet.
I would be laughing if my coughing spasms weren't preventing me from doing so.

ZiggysUnderpants: dude this is so fun
ZiggysUnderpants: i keep taping my mouth shut

CygnetC
(electric tomato)
08/07/01 11:30 PM
Re: Chapters 8-10 new [re: twister]  

In reply to:

Sure, lots of people think they're human, but if only they knew just how often their great great grandmother had been impregnated by dogs, then they wouldn't be so sure. Not just dogs. Horses, elephants, French people, all kinds of disgusting creatures.


I am seriously laughing my ass off! I've never read fanfic before, and this is highly amusing me. Now I can sleep soundly, or have dirty Jareth dreams, either/or.

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
- Rod Stewart

http://www.geocities.com/jagger_bowie

twister
(cracked actor)
08/08/01 01:05 PM
Chapters 11-12 new [re: twister]  

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Michael was led by the hand into Sarah's bedroom, then she closed the door behind them, and started passionately kissing him. At least, that's probably what she intended to do, what she actually did was break a mirror, looked at Michael, and collapsed into his arms, making vague goldfish impressions with her mouth as she fell. A group of girls had gathered outside Sarah's door to witness her drunken stupor. Michael closed the door, and slid the bolt across. Looking back on this event he would realise that locking yourself in a bedroom with a girl bordering on unconsciousness wasn't the way to get a good reputation. At the time he actually believed himself to be helping by not letting the others see Sarah in her current state, but as has been pointed out before, boys aren't very bright. Girls, on the other hand, look at their social standing as a game of chess. They are all too aware that every move they make could change everything, and all the best players are several moves ahead. Often, the girl won't take the knight, for fear it will leave her socially worse off in the long run, while the boys will take the pawns, knights and bishops, and anything else they can come across without worrying about where it leaves them. While the female player wants to win the game at the end of the day, the male player wants to take as many pieces as he possibly can in the meantime. If he happens to come out on top at the end, all the better.

Sarah had gone completely limp in Michael's arms, and Michael carried her to her bed while she groaned. He lay her on her side, so that in the likely case of vomiting she'd only irreparably stain the carpets, instead of choking to death. Sarah bitterly thought that her stepmother would have probably preferred the choking option, but this of course was untrue. She had insurance for the carpets. Once she was in bed, Michael sat in a large, comfortable chair, and watched her.

"Are you okay?" he ventured.

"I feel fine", lied Sarah, then started wondering how exactly you were supposed to let a guy know you were interested in entering into sexual activities with them. "Wanna fuck?" she asked, satisfied with her choice.

Michael sprayed orange juice out of his mouth in shock. This was all the more remarkable, given he wasn't drinking right now, and he certainly hadn't drank orange juice in days.

"What did you just say?" he asked, bemusedly wiping drops of orange juice from his trembling lips.

"I said", claimed Sarah, sitting up and struggling to unbutton her top, "will you fuck me?"

This was, of course, not what she said, but it was quite close.

"Why, why -- why would you, why wou --", he tried again. "Why? You barely know me?"

"God damn it, Michael, I'm not asking you to marry me, I want you to... y'know", she added as a final whisper, possibly because she had suddenly came across all shy, but more likely because she'd once read an article in a magazine claiming it to be sexy: "fuck me". The effect would have been closer to the desired one if she had been looking into Michael's eyes, instead of the wallpaper a foot away which she believed to be his eyes.

"I can't, you're drunk".

"What?!?" Anger flared inside her eyes, and she ripped her shirt away revealing her bra beneath. "Are you sure?" she cooed, and smiled. Well, gurgled and looked ready to throw up, but at least she was making the effort.

"Yes, it's not right. Sex should be about... feelings, emotions, not about getting drunk at parties", Michael preached, with all the passion of your average 14-year-old who believes he's already solved all the mysteries of the world.

Sarah was moved. Most girls believe themselves to be good judges of character, which is laughable really, because boys have lied so much, and with such conviction, that even they themselves have to stop and think whether what they just said was true or not. Most guys have learned how to trick women into thinking they're decent guys, and getting much sex in return. Truth be told there's no such thing as a decent guy, the ones who don't trick women this way are the ones who haven't learned how to yet. Sarah was genuinely moved by this outburst of emotion, as it was exactly the sort of thing she would have said, but not so eloquently. However, all this deep emotional moving was doing to her was increasing her sexual appetite. The conclusion her drunken logic came up with was:

"If you don't do this, I'll only get someone else. Then you won't benefit any. And I'll be getting... someone else, when I could be getting this really great guy. I really want to do this with you, Michael". For the full effect, read this passage out loud, while standing on your head, slurring your speech as much as possible, and abandoning each word on the first or second syllable.

Somehow, Michael got the gist anyway. Here was a beautiful girl, telling him how great he was, and offering to do things with him that hadn't been offered before without the rub of a large amount of money changing hands. She really was beautiful, he noticed. Her hair smelled like strawberries. Well, actually it smelled like vodka and second-hand vomit, but it looked like it ought to have smelled like strawberries. Her eyes were, well, she needed to sleep for three days, wipe the crusts away, and look a lot less vacant, but he imagined if she fulfilled those criteria they'd start to look very beautiful. Her nose was so cute, and the excessive saliva dripping from her lips was, well, kinda disgusting, but her lips themselves were very pretty. And her breasts... they were so breast-like, which Michael considered a good quality in a breast. They were so much more three dimensional than the breasts he'd seen in the past. Not only was she beautiful, but she was such a lovely person. He hadn't known her that well, but he went to her school, and she'd always seemed such a nice person. Helping people rehearse from dramas she wasn't even appearing in, she had such a passion for it all. She could be immature and brattish sometimes, but still, a lovely person. But then he pictured himself years down the line, snuggled up with the girl of his dreams, and as she asks him: "So... will this be your first time?", and he'd have to reply: "Well... no." He knew he'd like the girl of his dreams to be someone that had waited for him, and that would make him feel so special, and he longed to return that favour. Which brings us back to the present.

"I can't. It's not you." Michael immediately knew this was a mistake. It was the equivalent of meeting a girl for a date, and saying "Hey, you do not look fat", without her having said anything to the contrary.

"Fine", Sarah sullenly replied, and attempted to get up. After several failures she finally found the floor, then headed for the wall, then another wall, then the third wall. Then finally the door. She cut two of her fingers on the bolt, then finally got it open, and stumbled back to the party outside. If she noticed that her shirt was still torn in half on the bed, she certainly didn't care.

CHAPTER TWELVE

Toby stood in his cot, wide-eyed. The house was running dangerously short of places for people to be alone together. As such, Toby was currently being corrupted by witnessing his first blowjob. The scene would be significantly less disturbing, if the guy in the scenario hadn't been staring at Toby and blowing kisses. The girl in the scenario would have probably said something, but her mum had taught her not to speak with her mouth full, and her dad had taught her to damn well finish a blowjob before taking her mouth away.

TO BE CONTINUED...

I hope that I can say the things I wish I'd said.

power2charm
(crash course raver)
08/08/01 02:48 PM
His next piece will be "Twister Jones' Diary" new [re: twister]  

Well, this seems to have less and less to do with Labyrinth, but you are still smack in the middle of fantasyland, my old mate:

"Yes, it's not right. Sex should be about... feelings, emotions, not about getting drunk at parties", Michael preached, with all the passion of your average 14-year-old who believes he's already solved all the mysteries of the world.

If O. Henry were writing this, it would turn out that Michael would develop some weird fear of sexual intimacy and Sarah would become a porn star, and Michael would attend all of her films on opening night at the sticky Bijou until management banned him for rocking back and forth in his seat wailing and crying for the opportunies lost.

But Henry ain't writing this, and in any event, it's Lab-fi -- you know, "I saw my baby, crying hard as babe could cry...what could I do?" etc., etc.

The bit about the babe Toby witnessing a bj was the most bizarre and tasteless cliffhanger conceivable. Congratulations.

I strive to be brief, and I become obscure. ~Horace~


Starbuck
(crash course raver)
08/08/01 03:19 PM
Re: Chapters 11-12 new [re: twister]  

i cant even describe how amused i am! this is by far the best fic i have ever read...why? cause its so damn funny! and your gender stereotyping is so right on the money! god, i cant tell you how many times my mom knocked on the door and said "whats so funny?" cause i was laughing so hard! keep up the amazing work...you are fast becoming my favorite author (i like funny sex books) starbuck

"and maybe you can keep me from ever being happy,but you're not gonna stop me from having fun." ani difranco

sondra
(kook)
08/08/01 05:32 PM
Re: Chapters 11-12 new [re: twister]  

This is soooooooooo funny!! Love the chess game references, and the desciption of Sarah.......was laughing out loud here, thank goodness I am alone at the moment!!

"For me a chameleon is something that disguises itself to look as much like its environment as possible. I always thought I did exactly the opposite of that." ~ David Bowie, 1993

Mousey
(grinning soul)
08/08/01 05:39 PM
Re: Chapters 11-12 new [re: twister]  

My god. This is the single most astonishing thing I have ever read in my entire life. You describe Sarah right to the point.. THAT'S SO ON TARGET! hehe. Don't forget to keep it rotating... I can't wait to see what happens with Jareth.. he can masturbate in front of me anyday. Hmm... maybe I shouldn't have said that...

"Porridge... we'll eat porridge." *smacks lips*

StarGazer73
(absolute beginner )
08/09/01 05:46 PM
Re: Chapters 11-12 new [re: Mousey]  

You know, that's quite alright. I'd really love it as well if Jereth would jack off in front of me. Heck, I'd get a rise out of that.
*Double meaning there. heh heh*

Just know you're not the only one.



white rabbit
(crash course raver)
08/09/01 07:35 PM
Re: Twister's Labyrinth Fiction new [re: twister]  

Twister, your writing is very descriptive and hilarious! You really are very talented and have a unique style of your own. I love the double entendres like the one Phoenix mentioned and this one.

In reply to:

Create mankind, and only give them an average of seventy years to live, they'll never really develop any sense of what one can achieve taking matters into their own hands.



I can't wait to see more! Keep it up ...



twister
(cracked actor)
08/11/01 12:48 PM
Chapter 13 new [re: twister]  

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Tired of moving miniatures across a chequered board in a game designed to make those of a lesser intellect feel inferior, Jareth had decided to go off for a wander through his castle. Some people believe that Jareth's entire castle is a magical place, designed to twist the dimensions, warp time, and be larger on the inside than it is on the outside. But of course, some people think Stanley Kubrick was a really good director, which just goes to show how wrong people can be. It has been noted, mostly by lower class people with delusions of grandeur, that a man's home is his castle. What many forget, is that a man's castle, is also his home. It's not just something to look impressive to barely pubescent girls who wander in, nor something in which kings hide while people who should really know better are dying in his name outside, somebody actually has to live here. Washing had to be done. Meals had to be prepared. Of course none of these things were done by Jareth himself, but still, it was a home, and they were done. It's not that Jareth could afford help to do everything, nor was he a powerful enough magician to control everyone that helped him, but, well he was bigger than everyone else here.

He wandered into the laundry room. A laundry was a peculiar breed of creature, of grey-ish skin, and roughly two and a half feet of height. Their eyes appeared to be permanently closed, but this was not the case. Those little flaps near the top of their heads actually were their eyes, though they just looked unhealthily like slits in the skin. Their mouths and noses were combined in a trunk-like organ below their eyes, through which they could smell, taste, produce saliva, and do pretty much anything else you can with your nose and mouth. They could expand to a diameter of about six inches, and contract so tightly as to crush fairly tough metals. All in all it was a handy feature, but it was a bugger when they got bad snots. Well, come on, how would you like it if your snots formed inside your mouth? You think it's bad when you have a cold, and it dribbles onto your upper lip, but come on, we're talking about tasting the insides of your nose, constantly. It's not nice. Although we wouldn't be being accurate in labelling this part of laundry anatomy the "trunk", it sure as hell beats inventing a new word for what we all think of as the trunk-like organ, so trunk it is.

As Jareth entered for the first time in his life, he was faced with a shocking scene before him. Jareth had never questioned how his tights became clean again, he would wear them for a while, send them to the laundry room, and they would come back sparkling clean. He'd always assumed some kind of machinery was used, possibly with salt and cleansing products, but no. His tights were cleaned orally.

At the sight of Jareth's shock coming through the door, several of the laundry creatures took a deep breath, and most wound up almost choking to death on a pair of his tights. Still, there are worse ways to go.

"What are you doing?" asked Jareth, with the dumbfounded politeness normally associated with those who find their partners having extra-martial affairs with same-sex partners.

One of the nearest laundries slurped his pair of tights into his hands before him, then proceeded to reply: "we're cleaning your tights, your majesty".

"I see... but why are you cleaning them... like that?"

The laundry looked at Jareth the way you might look at someone who questioned the way you tie your shoelaces, after tying a perfectly ordinary knot.

"Well," came the eventual reply, "have you got a better idea?"

If Jareth were the type to admit he in fact didn't have a better idea, he would have done so, but he wasn't the type to admit to such a thing. Memories of a million hangovers accompanied by urine stains in which mice had drowned in came flooding back.

"It must be... uh... unpleasant work", he said matter of factly. Truth be told he couldn't give a shit which creature had to suck down all his piss, it was certainly better than letting it give him a rash.

"Oh no, not at all, sir. Actually, I think we all quite enjoy it", replied the laundry, quite truthfully.

Jareth blinked and returned to his bedroom. One of the laundries sucked away happily in the corner.

"How come that lucky swine always gets the semen stains?" complained a jealous co-worker.

TO BE CONTINUED...

I hope that I can say the things I wish I'd said.

Coan_teen
(kook)
08/11/01 10:54 PM
Re: Chapter 13 new [re: twister]  

omg, twister, I'm laughing so hard I can barely breathe!

Coan_teen

"I have been, and always shall be, your friend."--Spock

sondra
(kook)
08/11/01 11:09 PM
Re: Chapter 13 new [re: twister]  

Ha! Ha! Ha!
What visual images, of these "creatures" sucking on tights and Jareth standing there calmly having a conversation with them!! This is so very creative and so very very funny, twister!!! You really have a unique style, truly!!
Ha! Ha! Ha!

"For me a chameleon is something that disguises itself to look as much like its environment as possible. I always thought I did exactly the opposite of that." ~ David Bowie, 1993

Littlerockstar
(wild eyed peoploid)
08/13/01 01:46 PM
Re: Cahpters four through seven new [re: theladyprimrose]  

You are so talented! This is hilarious. And so naughty! You're a bad, bad boy. Keep it up.


Scary Monsters
(kook)
08/14/01 10:13 AM
Funny Stuff new [re: twister]  

In reply to:

Until that day he would just stick to cheap porn videos and compulsive masturbation, waiting patiently for the day someone would invent the internet so he could pretend to be a lesbian, and masturbate while talking to other men pretending to be lesbians in lesbian chat rooms.




In reply to:

And her breasts... they were so breast-like, which Michael considered a good quality in a breast.




You can't click here so don't even try it.

Mousey
(grinning soul)
08/14/01 11:23 AM
Re: Funny Stuff new [re: Scary Monsters]  

Ahh! Get back to Sarah and what the hell she's doing at that party!!

"Porridge... we'll eat porridge." *smacks lips*

Orage
(grinning soul)
08/14/01 04:40 PM
Re: Chapter 13 new [re: twister]  

you're a sick, twisted individual twister. please continue the good work. feel free to elaborate further on jareth's various talents.

Vir prudens non contra orage mingit

Remade/Remodeled
(crash course raver)
08/17/01 10:16 PM
Oi! Bastard! new [re: twister]  

Please hurry up and add more, sir...
Real life hasn't been the same since you started writing this....
Your prose reminds me a lot of the late, great Douglas Adams...
You complete me twister!

Le Pig 02: I can imagine it now "I never imagined it'd feel so good!"
ValhallaOnWheels: I can imagine it now also "I never imagined it'd be so small!"

Littlerockstar
(wild eyed peoploid)
08/17/01 11:32 PM
Re: Oi! Bastard! new [re: Remade/Remodeled]  

Yes, twister. I think I'm in love with you. ;) Hurry up and satisfy my desire to observe your ever growing talent.



Starluck
(kook)
08/19/01 02:23 AM
Absolutely Evil new [re: twister]  

This is absolutely evil. It's a juicy grown-up take on the whole Labyrinth "phenomena" as I was once told it was called. Beh heh heh!

Don't tease, post more! :D

~* The Observatory *~
P.S. Just ignore anybody who posts ridiculous material. Replying only encourages them.

artist_in_a_tunnel
(electric tomato)
08/22/01 05:23 PM
Re: Absolutely Evil new [re: Starluck]  

Man, this shit is funny! The laundry creatures...brilliant. Post more now, Twister! I need more irreverent fiction.

Oh, such rain we had...it was delicious...
Click or die, filthy humans!


StarGazer73
(mortal with potential)
08/24/01 06:08 PM
Re: Absolutely Evil new [re: artist_in_a_tunnel]  

This is some funny stuff man.... But you are going to slowww..... You must realize that since you gave us SUCH good stuff to sink our perverted little teeth into,you mussssssttttttt keep it COMING! Let's get to the next chapter!



twister
(cracked actor)
08/27/01 03:09 PM
Chapter 14 new [re: twister]  

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Sarah had picked up nineteen-year-old tattoo sporting Brian from her living room with the old: "hey" line. There are certain ways of saying "hey" to boys at parties to let them know sex is imminent. That certain way being when you're so drunk you can barely say "hey" properly, that's when they know. Michael had the decency to leave her bedroom, and was currently undergoing the age old inquisition as to what had happened resulting in him leaving the room in place of another guy. He knew of course that no-one would believe him had he said he'd rejected her on the grounds he wanted the first time to be special, so he just refused to comment. Which of course led everyone to assume their own takes on the worst case scenario. Whether Michael was gay, impotent or infested with crabs was a matter that would be debated for decades to come.

In Sarah's bedroom, Sarah stumbled backwards towards her bed, and Brian greedily lunged, undoing her jeans, then pulling her jeans and knickers down to her ankles as fast as he could. Deep within Sarah's drunken stupor she was suddenly feeling very scared indeed. Here he was, the first person to set eyes on her most sexual of organs in her pubescent life, and it was someone who yanked down knickers, and bore a tattoo which to Sarah's drunken eyes looked somewhat racist in nature. She fell onto the bed, and could feel him eyeing the newly released organ the way you check tins for bumps in the supermarket.

"S'nice" was the monosyllabic statement from the grinning buffoon.

He pulled the jeans/knickers combo from around Sarah's ankles and threw them to the floor. He climbed onto the bed above Sarah, who was sweating with fear of the stranger she had invited into her bed. He kissed at her chest, without any care or affection, the way one might kiss a car you were proud you could drive, without caring if you got a dent in it. He reached behind her trying to undo her bra, but after a few fumbling seconds he gave up, and simply pulled hard on the cups, making the bra snap hard into Sarah's back. Sarah moaned, and Brian decided to interpret this as a good sign, so he squeezed her breasts the way one might burst water balloons, then he rubbed them in a harsh manner suggesting he didn't think they ought to be attached. Seemingly satisfied that this was enough foreplay Brian got to his feet, undid his zip, and let his trousers fall to the floor, then in a mad rush tore his briefs down, and approached Sarah.

"I'm a virgin!" she blurted, her panic and fear of this unsavoury character temporarily overcoming her alcohol-fuelled lack of speech.

It's a curious fact that under these circumstances the words "I'm a virgin" can mean a thousand different things to a girl. They can mean: "I'm not sure I want to do this", "I really don't want to do this", "Please be gentle", "I hope you know how much I love you, because I've never done this for anyone else", "I'm sorry if I'm not very good", "Please take control", "I'm scared", or "Hurry the hell up". Even more of a curious fact, is that regardless of what the girl means by the statement the guy always hears: "hey, I have a really tight pussy, and there's no-one in my past that could have been better than you. Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me". Which girls take as further evidence (if needed) that guys are, of course, complete idiots, and guys take as evidence that girls need to learn how to communicate more. Of course a guy wouldn't put it like that, a guy would say: "if she didn't want me to fucking fuck her she should have fucking said so, fucking slut", but what they mean is girls should learn to communicate.

Brian tried to remember from women's magazines he'd read what he was supposed to say. He stroked her face, and attempting to sound genuine told her: "that makes me feel so special". He justified lying on the grounds that it's okay to lie if sex is involved, which comes on page one of the rule book on how to be a man. If women ever read men's entire rulebook they'd be sickened and never touch a man again. If a man read a woman's rulebook he would say: "Uh?".

"Is this gonna hurt?" asked Sarah, her eyes wide with fear. Brian's penis was pushing double figures in terms of inches.

"You betcha sweet ass this'll fuckin' hurt", came Brian's, surprisingly polysyllabic, reply.

Then he climbed on top of her, winked at her, and plunged it deep inside her. A stab of pain shot through Sarah's entire body. The word "penetration" had never been so vividly inflicted on her mind. A searing pain between her thighs, feeling as though skin were being ripped to unnatural proportions, convulsions shuddering through her entire body in searing pain. She was sobbing, but Brian didn't notice, or if he did he didn't care. Her head lunged forward as she threw up on herself, which did nothing to cease Brian's onslaught. She started to scream, and Brian took this as a good sign. Before long, Sarah lost consciousness. Brian carried on regardless.

TO BE CONTINUED...

I hope that I can say the things I wish I'd said.

Mousey
(wild eyed peoploid)
08/27/01 03:18 PM
Re: Chapter 14 new [re: twister]  

*winces with pain* Ouch... that...sounds like it hurts.

Keep it up, twister!

Dante: "My girlfriend just sucked 36 dicks!!!"
Customer: "In a row?!"


artist_in_a_tunnel
(electric tomato)
08/27/01 05:42 PM
Re: Chapter 14 new [re: Mousey]  

Twister! That sounds most unpleasant.

Oh, such rain we had...it was delicious...
Click or die, filthy humans!


Starbuck
(crash course raver)
08/27/01 05:59 PM
Re: Chapter 14 new [re: twister]  

well, very sad, but so true indeed of real life! but i must say, i loved the phrase:

"Which girls take as further evidence (if needed) that guys are, of course, complete idiots, and guys take as evidence that girls need to learn how to communicate more."

too true, too true!

twister, you are my hero :) starbuck

"Once made equal to man, woman becomes superior." --Socrates c. 469-399 B.C.

power2charm
(crash course raver)
08/28/01 08:38 AM
You can be mean, in Chapter 14 new [re: twister]  

This last bit - Chapter 14, was it? - is really well done.

BUT (as Rose would say in allcaps), I found it odd that this character Brian would have EVER perused womens mags or would make any effort to be "sensitive" in light of Sarahs admission of virginity, given that he otherwise comes off like a clod and an asshole in your description of him.

Again, very disturbing. I can see now you are trying to "cure" Labyrinth fans of their affliction. You are doing good work - I personally will never rent this movie or listen to the soundtrack again.



I strive to be brief, and I become obscure. ~Horace~


white rabbit
(crash course raver)
08/30/01 10:03 AM
Heroes fall to the ground new [re: power2charm]  

Wow! Powerful words, twister! I was really hoping that Sarah would be spared the agony of date-rape. That somehow a hero (Michael perhaps?) would come along and save her from herself and Brian. He’s even more loathsome than Jareth at this point. But maybe your version is more realistic in a way. There are not that many heroes out there in the real world and Sarah’s experience is probably a far too common one. It’s just sad that she will look back upon her “first time” with regretful, painful and bitter memories rather than sweet and loving ones. But the story is not over, right? I look forward to reading more.

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans ~ John Lennon


Starbuck
(crash course raver)
08/30/01 01:18 PM
Re: Heroes fall to the ground new [re: white rabbit]  

yeah, i was kinda expecting hero time too. but perhaps the damn kid will get raped by goblins later? hehe... but, yeah, i like twisters "reality" version of the labyrinth....write on, brave soul!!!! starbuck

"Once made equal to man, woman becomes superior." --Socrates c. 469-399 B.C.

StarGazer73
(grinning soul)
08/31/01 07:56 AM
Re: Heroes fall to the ground new [re: white rabbit]  

That was utterly, and completely d..i..s..t..u..r..b..i..n..g..
Man, and I thought this was all laughs. But it's still good. Write on



Kristin Machina
(crash course raver)
08/31/01 03:09 PM
Let's make a deal... new [re: twister]  

This is the best piece of adult fiction I've ever read. Though most fanfictions I've found are pathetic attempts at smut, this is just very intelligent and well-writen.
So, if you'll write more of yours, I'll write more of mine. Pul-leeeze write more!!

Don't understand me, just love me

Edited by Kristin Machina on 08/31/01 03:12 PM (server time).



twister
(cracked actor)
09/04/01 09:20 AM
Chapter 15 new [re: twister]  

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Jareth walked into his room. It was empty. Well, not empty, he still had his bed, and cupboards and such, but, well, no one was here. Jareth didn't know why, but he was tired of his life. He sat on his bed and bent his legs towards his chest. This motion tightly brought his tights against his testicles, but he was used to it. He reached over the side of his bed, and pulled a large bottle of vodka from his ice bucket. He unscrewed the top, and dropped it to the floor, with the determination of someone who doesn't plan on being around to worry about picking it up later. He took a large swig. Then he took another. Jareth was never truly alone, there were many creatures in the labyrinth, many creatures in the city, hell, many creatures in the castle. But, the fact was, Jareth didn't actually like any of them. This was partially because they were intellectually inferior to monkeys. Jareth knew, that if he took them to the real world, fifteen years into the future, every last one of them would wear a backwards red cap, and quote "L-I-M-P Bizkit is right here", at every opportunity. Of course, Jareth couldn't know for sure what music would be popular in the future, but it's always easy enough to guess when you can read the signs.

Jareth extended his free hand in front of him, and one of his crystal balls rolled along the floor, slowly towards him. This might look like a clever conjuring trick, but even goblin castles have draughts, you know. He took a third swig of vodka as he waited, then dropped the bottle, shattering into the ice bucket. The crystal ball jumped from the floor into Jareth's opened palm, which probably was conjuring, this time, and he looked angrily into his own reflection. His eyes flared with resentment of the pitiful, lonely creature he had become. He smashed the crystal into his knee, and it split into a few large pieces, and many tiny shards. He selected a large, sharp piece, and brushed the rest down by his side.

He turned his left-hand palm up, and held the glass in his right. He had decided he was going to be brave. No squirming. No doubts. He'd just do it and that would be it. The boredom would stop. He steadily inserted the glass into his wrist, piercing his skin, and causing a steady flow of blood to drip out of him. He smiled. If only he'd had the courage to do this sooner. It was stinging rather badly, but he expected with one swift movement he could sever all the veins in his wrist, and it would all be over rather quickly. He was delirious with pleasure. Not that pain and death held a great appeal for him, but even this, even suicide was something that broke the daily monotony of his existence, and he embraced it. Of course, killing himself would raise all kinds of issues. For instance, would he want to die a three thousand year old virgin? To which the answer was, it beats his alternative of sex with goblins. Or chickens.

Jareth realised the thoughts of dying a virgin were the terrified fragments of his mind not wanting to die, trying to talk him out of this. Mainly out of spite towards himself, he dragged the glass ever so slightly further from one side to the other. It's said your life flashes through your eyes, but in most cases this isn't true. At least, not unless your entire life story is: "oh fuck, a truck, aaah". But Jareth's randomly firing brain was shooting out all kinds of reasons to live, and Jareth was buying none of them. He had no desire to continue the family reign, nor did he have anyone who would miss him. He thought no matter how good he could make his existence, he would still get just as bored of it, so why bother? Still, there was Sarah... but she didn't want him, and that's all there was to it. As the glass tingled against a vein, his mind screamed at him to have at least one more look at what she was doing before ending his existence.

So he did.

He removed the crudely created blade from his skin, and allowed the blood to drip. He dropped the blade with the rest of the glass, and flipped his hand in a seemingly (but deceptively so) complicated gesture, and the crystal materialised in his hand, intact once more. He spun it to one side, and the image entered.

A rather nude man, who must have been close to twenty, who appeared to be sporting a variation of a certain famous Nazi symbol as a tattoo, climbed over Sarah's naked body, and winked at her...

At this time, Unka walked through the door, partially because he needed a Jareth fix, and partially because the plot demanded it.

"I can't believe what I'm seeing..." Jareth vaguely murmured.

Unka wasn't really paying attention. He was staring at Jareth's testicles.

"Well, your eyes can be so cruel", came the goblin's reply.

"Yes..." Jareth mused, "just as I can be so cruel".

"You know, there's absolutely nothing worse than characters in fan fictions repeating lines from the original films".

"Shut up!" flared Jareth, failing to pick up on the fact Unka had done so first, and hating to be reminded that this was all just fiction.

Unka continued to stare at his testicles.

TO BE CONTINUED...

I hope that I can say the things I wish I'd said.

Starbuck
(crash course raver)
09/04/01 02:07 PM
Re: Chapter 15 new [re: twister]  

twister, i would like to offer my first child to you as a thank you for your fantastic fic!!! no, but really ,its awesome! this latest chaper is great when the goblin comes in and they spout off old lines as filler....i think thats why i like this fic, cause it makes fun of itself! starbuck (and kristin machina...get your ass in gear on your fic!)

"Once made equal to man, woman becomes superior." --Socrates c. 469-399 B.C.

sondra
(electric tomato)
09/04/01 04:33 PM
Re: Chapter 15 new [re: twister]  

Interesting turn of events, twister!!

Well worth waiting for!!

I'll change my signature when I think of something new.....

Kristin Machina
(crash course raver)
09/04/01 08:44 PM
Hey! new [re: Starbuck]  

In reply to:

and kristin machina...get your ass in gear on your fic!)


Brilliance cannot be rushed! Actually, I'm posting my fanfic on a website, in the event of some horrible catastrophe that the board crashes (as it has back in June.) BTW, is anyone interesting in making some illustrations to "Splitting Headache?"

Twister, write more, please. Best fanfic ever!

Don't understand me, just love me

Starbuck
(crash course raver)
09/04/01 09:24 PM
Re: Hey! new [re: Kristin Machina]  

im so there!!! yes, i would love to do some illustrations, cause i finally got a scanner!!!! how would you like the pics to look, i mostly deal with abstract...so this could be a challenge...hmmm...maybe i dont want to help

starbuck (thinking)

"Women are made, not born."
--Simone de Beauvoir

twister
(cracked actor)
09/05/01 09:05 AM
Chapter 16 new [re: twister]  

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Sarah awoke. It was the next morning. She had a terrible throbbing pain in her head, and that was all she could focus on. She rubbed at her eyes absently, and wished she was capable of thought. Then, after some minutes, many thoughts came flooding back all, more or less, at once. The house had been a hive of activity last she'd been awake, and now it seemed somewhat deserted. She was naked, which was not the way she usually slept. Her dad and step-mum would probably be home soon, and her breasts felt sticky. She also had the horribly uneasy sensation that someone she wasn't entirely sure she had liked had been allowed to come inside her.

Her cheeks felt sticky with last night's tears, and her vomit still rested on her breasts. In fact, she was starting to wonder if this fiction would ever retreat back to it's laugh-out-loud beginnings.

She got up, and headed for the shower, determined not to dwell on what she was rapidly remembering of last night's events. She scraped the excess vomit from herself, and flushed it down the toilet. The sight of day old vomit swirling down the toilet was enough to make her feel she may vomit yet again, so she quickly slammed the lid down, and focussed her attentions elsewhere. She then got in the shower, let the water splash against her breasts, and tried to scrub the stains away, still trying to force her mind into not thinking about the event causing those stains in the first place. For the first time, in as long as she could remember, she was in the shower without feeling paranoid. Possibly whatever force had made her feel this way wasn't currently present, or, possibly she now had so many other things to worry about the paranoia seemed insignificant enough to notice. Once her breasts were cleaned, she permitted herself to break down and cry.

TO BE CONTINUED...

I hope that I can say the things I wish I'd said.

twister
(cracked actor)
09/05/01 11:37 AM
Chapter 17 new [re: twister]  

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Brian awoke. He lit a cigarette, and started smoking. Some would point out that smoking takes years off your life, but the sensible folks would quite rightly point out that these years are taken from the end of your life, and those years tend to be spent impotent, wrinkley and sleeping in your own urine, so a few years early death doesn't seem such a big tragedy. It had been a good night for Brian. It had been a terrible experience for some other people, but Brian had had a good time, and that was all that mattered to him. If the event had led Sarah to a suicide shortly after, Brian would have only been thankful that he had gotten to her beforehand. Sex with an unconscious girl was one thing, sex with a corpse just seemed a little off, to Brian. Brian suddenly became aware of freaky-haired tight-wearing freak standing by the bed.

"Who the fuck are you?" was Brian's, predictably idiotic, but perfectly warranted, opening question.

Jareth sighed. "And he's such a vulgar man", he noted, seemingly to himself: "really most undeserving of such a girl".

"I don't know how the fuck you got in here, or what the fuck you want, but if you don't ge--" Brian's voice trailed off mid-sentence. He noticed Jareth's ample penis being accentuated by his tighter-than-tight tights.

Jareth wasn't entirely sure why Brian had stopped talking. He assumed maybe he was only capable of so many syllables per sentence, and had reached his limit. It had never occurred to him that wearing tights rendering decency impossible might be considered a tad odd by, well, everyone. Jareth stared intently into Brian's eyes.

"There was a girl".

"What, are you the bitch's dad or something?" Brian asked nonchalantly. It wouldn't have been the first time.

At first Jareth was almost offended, but he couldn't deny the close-to three thousand year age gap, so he let it slide.

"No, I'm the goblin king".

There are certain sentences that no matter how sincerely you say them, they will sound entirely sarcastic.

"I see". Brian felt more on home territory now. He smiled. "And you thought you'd sort me out for breaking in your precious baby?" he mocked.

"Something like that", Jareth replied, with sardonic-smile of the century.

"Yeah, well", Brian stood to his feet, "wel--"

Brian interrupted himself, to swing a fist full force into Jareth's stomach, sending him reeling across the room. As brian made to approach something burst from seemingly nowhere, a ball of fur, and claws, and teeth, and the brightest red eyes, lunging for Brian's throat. Brian backed calmly away from the vicious creature, only able to stay calm by being too stupid to have the imagination of what would happen if it caught him. A second creature dived to his leg, and was chewing and scratching away. A third sniggered at Brian's misfortune as he swiped at the second. A fourth landed directly on his head, and was trying to scratch Brian's eyes out. Next thing he new, there was a swarm of them, covering his body from head to foot, scratching and biting and ripping and tearing. One crawled through his trouser's fly, and chewed at the head of his penis until it dripped blood, and thensome.

Jareth stood, and walked towards Brian. "Stop!" he commanded, and the creatures obediently leaped from Brian's body and stood to attention to one side. Brian would have noted there were at least thirty, if he wasn't too busy worrying about the fact he wasn't entirely sure if his penis was entirely attatched any more.

Jareth eyed Brian head to toe. Chunks of hair had been torn out. His eyes were bloodshot, and one of his eyelids had been completely severed. His skin and clothes were all badly torn, and he was losing blood through gashes in seemingly every part of his body.

Brian turned, and ran for the door, but as Jareth clicked his fingers half a dozen of the creatures all dove to the door, their claws sticking into the wood, bearing their teeth at Brian like angry wombats.

"I assure you, if you try to go through that door they will kill you".

Brian turned back to Jareth.

"Wh- what are they?"

"They're vicious little bastards, that's what they are".

"I've never seen anything like them", Brian said, in the manner of one trying to work out whether or not he's going to die regardless of what he says and does.

"And they've never seen anything like you, you heartless, ruthless creature", Jareth responded, with absolute truth. They'd never seen a human being before.

"Are they going to kill me?" asked Brian, through terrified tears.

Jareth laughed. "No, of course not". He absently played with a crystal.

Brian breathed a sigh of relief. He was about to speak when Jareth's crystal magically transformed into a deadly, jagged blade. Jareth's eyes glowed with orgasmic joy.

"Couldn't let them all the fun, could I?"

A cold fear gripped Brian's soul, and then, as the jagged blade painfully tore apart his neck, it was all over.

TO BE CONTINUED...

I hope that I can say the things I wish I'd said.

sondra
(electric tomato)
09/05/01 12:15 PM
Re: Chapter 17 new [re: twister]  

OK, now how the hell are Brian's parents going to feel when they come up to call their precious son down to his favorite breakfast of pancakes & waffles......
And how will Brian's mother ever get all the blood out of the carpet......

I absolutely love your story, twister!!!
With the exception of Ch. 14, although I understand why it was needed....
You are very talented, twister, and I hope to see your name in print someday!!!

I'll change my signature when I think of something new.....

white rabbit
(crash course raver)
09/05/01 11:12 PM
The list goes on and on ... new [re: twister]  

What's the online version of a page-turner? Well, whatever it is, this is it! I laughed, I cried, I recoiled in horror, and all the other emotions in between. Maybe Jareth isn't so bad after all? Well, we'll see. Don't leave us in suspense for too long.

How would you feel if I was to kneel right down at your feet? Right now ... ~ The Seahorses

StarGazer73
(wild eyed peoploid)
09/08/01 01:32 AM
Re: The list goes on and on ... new [re: white rabbit]  

Right on Twister! Beat up the friggen mofo for being so cruel to Sarah! If anyones gonna lay anyone I want it to be Sarah and Jareth.... And be sure to make it funny -- LoL

Pressing our love through the night... Knowing it's right...

flagpole_sitter
(grinning soul)
09/14/01 06:10 PM
Re: The list goes on and on ... new [re: StarGazer73]  

In a various line from Marilyn...
"Don't stop...don't ever stop..."

"Don't you see? I've entered into their world!"
"Oooh...Did you leave breadcrumbs???"


Orage
(wild eyed peoploid)
09/14/01 09:41 PM
helpful new [re: twister]  

In reply to:

he justified lying on the grounds that it's okay to lie if sex is involved, which comes on page one of the rule book on how to be a man. if women ever read men's entire rulebook they'd be sickened and never touch a man again.


for the benifit of the female members (and in order to help control the worlds population) i would like to add, for further reference, excerpts from the aforementioned rulebook's dictionary section:

when boys say...
# "your eyes are so beautiful", it means: "i would like to bag you, so i'm giving you a compliment you'll believe".

# "i would really like to get to know you better", it means: "i would like to fuck you more than once".

# "there's noone as beautiful as you", it means: "there's noone i'll have a better chance at getting laid with than you".

# "no, you don't look fat in those pants", it means: "i know i'll get in trouble if i tell you your arse looks pretty chubby".

# "of course - you're right", i means: "shut up - soccer is on".

# "do you think infidelity is wrong?", it means: "would you get mad if i told you, i'd been with someone else?"

# "i'm a bit of a gourmet", it means: "i heat my baked beans before i eat them from the tin".

# "i'm not one or long relationships", it means: "i'll leave right after sex".

# "you're just too good for me", it means: "i'm just too good for you".

# "i dont think love can be expressed through material things", it means: "i'm cheap on gifts, but i make it sound like philosophy".

btw - twister: excellent fanfic.

Vir prudens non contra orage mingit

moonspyke
(mortal with potential)
09/16/01 03:14 PM
HEY! new [re: Orage]  

Hey hey hey! I want jareth to do something to sarah already. if that's not gonna happen, hell, let it be me with jareth! ^.^

twister...this is seriously the best fan fic i have ever read....I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

::People with tastes turn me on...Mostly people with MY tastes...::

Littlerockstar
(kook)
09/25/01 10:59 PM
dear, dear twister, new [re: moonspyke]  

you're great.

-LRStar*



abe11825
(grinning soul)
10/07/01 04:44 PM
Re: Twister's Labyrinth Fiction new [re: twister]  

This is the most killer work I've ever seen! I wanna know more! What does Jareth do with Sarah now???

Keep it up!

YOU SAY THAT SO OFTEN.IT MAKES ME WONDER WHAT YOUR BASIS OF COMPARISON IS.

sondra
(electric tomato)
10/07/01 08:33 PM
Re: Twister's Labyrinth Fiction new [re: abe11825]  

It's been over a month now since your last chapter, twister Please dont say you've lost interest and arent going to let us all know how things end???



And PS: Yes, I know things like life and school happen to get in the way, but come on....throw us a crumb, will ya!

You cannot leave footprints in the sands of time while sitting down ~

ogeretla
(grinning soul)
10/10/01 11:56 AM
Re: Twister's Labyrinth Fiction new [re: twister]  

Sounds like a pulp song.

JJ - Plastic people hate real people, and real people usually are just frustrated with the plastic people's conservative sleaziness. Like our school administration. Plastic fucks. :("-Me

flagpole_sitter
(grinning soul)
10/19/01 09:25 PM
Re: Twister's Labyrinth Fiction new [re: ogeretla]  

Ok this sucks ass! Wheres the next ch.?
Damn your black heart twister...
Your EVIL, pure EVIL!

"So I had to take a cat, a mouse, a monkey, a chair, and a table, and walk around heavily wooded areas." - Eddie Izzard

twister
(cracked actor)
12/02/01 12:22 PM
Chapters 18-19 new [re: twister]  

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

Clean and dressed, but still emotional, Sarah returned to her room. Jareth was standing there, waiting for her. The narrator would point out that he was playing with his balls, but there's only so many jokes in the crystals/testicles field that can be made before even the most easily-amused of readers will find something better to do.

"Hello, Sarah", came Jareth's coldly charming greeting.

"What are you doing here?", shrieked Sarah as only she knew how. If her speech were being wrote phonetically, the "oo" sounds would have stretched enough to make this whole thread too big.

"I came to give you something".

"I don't want anything you have to give me".

"You remember what I told you about crystals?" asked Jareth, as a highly skilled hand artist stood behind him with his arms through Jareth's sides, pretending to be Jareth's arms playing with a crystal.

"Yes, you said 'If you turn..."

Jareth quickly interrupted her.

"Don't you dare repeat it! You know how tacky it is for fiction to quote the original film!"

"Sorry", Sarah sullenly replied.

"Anyway, look into it this way".

Sarah peered into the crystal, and the vision of a dead, savaged Brian flooded into view.

"Oh my God..." Sarah muttered, backing away in shock.

"Well...? Aren't you going to say thank you?" asked Jareth, quite genuinely.

"Thank you?!?" asked Sarah in shock.

"You're most welcome", Jareth replied, with a smile. "Now, I should really be getting back to my castle", said Jareth in that accent that always made his "ass" sound like an "arse".

"No! I wasn't thanking you!"

"You weren't?"

"No! You can't just... kill people!"

"Sarah... what that boy did to you was inexcusable. And I have no doubt he's done it before, and will do it again. By taking that one horrible little man's life, I've made existence happier for many innocent people. You know, I really don't think you appreciate me, Sarah".

"No... you can't just kill people, you, you--"

"Why not? Hmm? What he did was wrong, yes?"

"Well, yes... but killing him won't solve anything..."

CHAPTER NINETEEN

A family were sitting down to their cornflakes. The nicest family unit you could ever meet. The loving parents, the two young sisters. The father of the family decides their oldest (and secretly, favourite) child has had a long enough lie-in and ought to join the family for breakfast.

He began to ascend the stairs towards their son’s room, calling his name: “Brian... Brian...” to no answer...

TO BE CONTINUED...

I hope that I can say the things I wish I'd said.

StarGazer73
(kook)
12/02/01 02:17 PM
Re: Chapters 18-19 new [re: twister]  

FINALLY! U FINALLY POSTED! MAN! IT TOOK U LONG ENOUGH!



100% CUTIE:
My bra is makin my boob hurt.

Science Fiction, Double Feature:
Ok.. thank you for that Chelsey .. It brightened my life.

moonspyke
(wild eyed peoploid)
12/02/01 02:19 PM
Re: Chapters 18-19 new [re: twister]  

You posted again!! YAY!! It's been so long! Good work, twister!

*waiting for what happens next*

::AN EVIL LADY ROAMS TW!::
::Your mother is a fraggin' AARDVARK!::

Starbuck
(crash course raver)
12/02/01 02:20 PM
Re: Chapters 18-19 new [re: twister]  

TWISTER FIC IS BACK!!!!! woo hooo, this is a great day indeed! starbuck

"Processed pig is white trash meat
some people call it spam." Scott Weiland

sondra
(electric tomato)
12/02/01 09:40 PM
blood in the carpet new [re: twister]  

Now Brian has been laying in the bloody carpet for **3 months**
His parents havent *smelled* his body by now?
Or has time stood still till now!
It's about time, anyway!

Enlightenment can be a slow dawning of comprehension or a sudden flash of insight, but it always dispels the darkness ~

twister
(stardust savant)
12/31/01 11:28 AM
Chapter 20 new [re: twister]  

CHAPTER TWENTY

Months passed. They had a habit of doing that. Everyone pretty much got back to their normal lives except, well, Brian, who was dead.

Several annoying fireys sang very badly, whilst playing with their limbs and generally throwing their heads about. Until someone did the only decent thing and hacked them into little furry shreds with a really big knife.

Jareth spent his days wondering what he could to advance the plot of this fiction any. The only ideas he was getting were both uninspired and frankly dull.

Hoggle wondered why he’d never been mentioned in the fiction.

Didymus realised what an annoying little sod he was and hung himself. Nobody cared.

TO BE CONTINUED…

I hope that I can say the things I wish I'd said.

StarGazer73
(kook)
12/31/01 03:36 PM
Re: Chapter 20 new [re: twister]  

Yay! I'm glad you finally posted but I ... need. ... more!!!



I like cheese.

moonspyke
(kook)
12/31/01 06:08 PM
Re: Chapter 20 new [re: twister]  

twister!! *hugs* you posted again!

Short but great!

::Well christmas on a cracker Kathy, you sure got yourself into a pickle this time!::

Sylvanelf
(cracked actor)
12/31/01 06:32 PM
lol new [re: twister]  

In reply to:

Didymus realised what an annoying little sod he was and hung himself. Nobody cared.


Oh my God!! That was hilarious!! I was really bored, but that made me feel a lot better

I am going to leave you flat like a pancake, and I like my pancakes very flat -Vegeta


BabyJenks
(grinning soul)
01/02/02 01:07 PM
torture new [re: twister]  

Now, incomplete fanfics I can understand, but as long as they are crappy. Twister, please, don't leave me hanging!!!!!!

Yesterday upon the stair
I met a man who wasn't there
He wasn't there again today
How I wish he'd go away!


WildWind
(stardust savant)
01/02/02 08:59 PM
I like where it's going new [re: twister]  



Best chapter yet, my friend.

WW

- So, what you're saying is that you manipulated me.
- Yes, exactly.


twister
(stardust savant)
01/27/02 04:34 PM
Chapter 21 new [re: twister]  

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

Once the author settled on a suitable way to write "twenty-one", having debated whether or not the dash was mandatory or not, he eventually figured "what the hell?" and the "story" could continue.

This chapter deals with the passing of many years. All too often a novel or a film shall jump many years without any kind, or at most the most rudimentary, of details as to what actually went on during those year. We'll have none of that here. Some four years passed, taking us into 1991, and taking Sarah to the ripe old age of nineteen. This jump takes place over the space of one chapter so as the author doesn't have to deal with "character development" and other ludicrous concepts that always get in the way of a good book.

During the four years this chapter covers, Jareth masturbated approximately three thousand times. Hell, I've got to keep the fourteen-year-old female readers interested somehow, right? That's right, little ladies, the tight-wearing object of your desire whipped out his one-eyed tight-snake some three-thousand times and using his expertise jerked himself into a fit of orgasmic bliss. And of course, because this is your imagination, even though it doesn't say so in the text, you were there with him ready to let him use you in whatever ways he saw fit. The author relaxed content this previous paragraph alone would shoot this thread to the top of the hot topics chart by horny, shameless teenage girls everywhere, or perhaps alienate his most hardcore fans by hitting too close to home. Either way, he was happy.

Sarah, on the other hand, did not masturbate three thousand times. She did, at the age of sixteen, take her first tentative steps in bringing herself to orgasm, and this was a process she repeated on certain infrequent occasions, but the author assumes this is of interest to absolutely no-one and shall forego the details.

Sarah did, during this time, pass through school with reasonable success, and was now taking a drama course in college. Of course, this being Labyrinth fan-fiction Sarah had to do a drama course in college when she reached the appropriate age, and this one is no exception.

Didymus continued to rot. No-one even cared enough to bury him.

TO BE CONTINUED...

I hope that I can say the things I wish I'd said.

moonspyke
(kook)
01/27/02 09:56 PM
Re: Chapter 21 new [re: twister]  

In reply to:

Didymus continued to rot. No-one even cared enough to bury him


well wherever the hell he is, i bet it has a lovely odor


funny chapter Twister-keep it up

::It's in your reach...concentrate::

white rabbit
(cracked actor)
01/27/02 10:15 PM
The show must go on ... new [re: twister]  

In reply to:

During the four years this chapter covers, Jareth masturbated approximately three thousand times.


Hmmm, let's see ... that would be about 2.0547945205479452054794520547945 times per day. Sound about right? I'm glad the story is continuing. Can't wait to see what transpires next ...

Curse you Inspector Dim! You are too clever for us naughty people.

twister
(stardust savant)
01/28/02 06:01 AM
Twister: Revealed new [re: white rabbit]  

In reply to:

that would be about 2.0547945205479452054794520547945 times per day. Sound about right?


Damn. That means I can only masturbate about 0.0547945205479452054794520547945 more times today before I'm past Jareth's level, which is surely a tad excessive.

I hope that I can say the things I wish I'd said.

Leshka
(electric tomato)
01/29/02 06:59 PM
Re: Twister: Revealed new [re: twister]  

Next on Jeopardy!

"I'll take Too Much Information for $200, Alex.

"Haven't you ever heard of the expression 'You're crying wolf'?"
"Lemme tell ya something, pinky -- I run into a wolf, that wolf is cryin' Bucky

twister
(stardust savant)
01/30/02 09:43 AM
Jokes posing as truth? Truth posing as jokes? new [re: Leshka]  

In reply to:

"I'll take Too Much Information for $200, Alex.


Just consider yourself lucky she asked so early in the day.

I hope that I can say the things I wish I'd said.

TheBitingFaery
(kook)
02/04/02 08:11 PM
Re: You can be mean, in Chapter 14 new [re: power2charm]  

In reply to:

Again, very disturbing. I can see now you are trying to "cure" Labyrinth fans of their affliction.


Frankly, as much as I am enjoying this fiction, I don't believe this statement to be true. Adult and older teenage Labyrinth fans have come up with some pretty warped and disturbing fanfic, and most without the humourous outlook that twister has.

The most notable one of these is Touch of Strange.

There's a whole archive of adult fiction here... some of it just as twisted...

In reply to:

I personally will never rent this movie or listen to the soundtrack again.


How very, very sad...


~TBF

“Would you like deviled eggs with your Jesus? Or perhaps a nice yeast roll and some mashed potatos?"
--http://www.morons.org

moonspyke
(kook)
02/05/02 03:58 PM
Re: You can be mean, in Chapter 14 new [re: TheBitingFaery]  

In reply to:

"Touch of Strange"


That's one F.U.C.K.E.D up story....i read it awhile ago...but it is also a pretty good story...just very *ahem* twisted

::It's in your reach...concentrate::

twister
(stardust savant)
03/06/02 03:34 PM
Chapter 22 new [re: twister]  

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

Whilst contemplating just how dull the previous years of her life had been, lamenting the fact that if she were in a novel of some kind those years would have been skimmed over in the space of a chapter, Sarah returned home from a hard day’s studying college. She’d decided drama lessons, much like everything else in Sarah’s view of the world, were entirely unfair. Surely acting was all about being unique, and wonderful, and using your own assets, not being taught to conform to the exact same standard as everyone else, as her college course would suggest. Of course, a sensible person would realise that conforming at college level was mandatory in order to get the qualifications simply to prove she was capable before she later moved on to doing her own things theatrically, but as we all know the words “a teenage girl” and “sensible person” don’t belong in the same sentence unless they’re being connected with the phrase “is incapable of being a”.

As Sarah returned to what she had longed would be the safety of her room, after what she wrongly perceived as a long, hard day at college, Jareth was sat on her bed, cross-legged looking right at her.

“Hello Sarah”, he said in that casual, disconcerting way that teenage girls often mis-interpreted as ‘sexy’.

“What the hell are you doing here?!” she asked, enraged. Amazing what PMS will do to a person.

“I’ve come to tell you of an ancient pact I learned of that was made, oh, a thousand years ago. It turns out if I don’t have sex with a girl I truly love within one thousand years of the pact being made, I’ll simply stop breathing, my heart will implode in on itself, and I will die.”

“What does this have to do with me?”, asked Sarah - who had always been, for lack of a better word, stupid.

“Well, the thousand year period of which I spoke will have ran it’s course within the hour. And the only girl I truly love, or ever have for that matter, is you. So I figured if you had so much as an ounce of compassion in your fragile little body, you’d do the decent thing and save a poor man’s life.”

“Wait a minute. You actually think I’m going to believe any of that trash? That a pact was made that will kill you, if you don’t happen to have sex with me? Isn’t that just a tad convenient for you? Isn’t that just the worst plot device you’ve ever heard? Isn’t that just a load of horse-shit designed to dupe me?”

“If only I’d thought of it a couple of years ago before she gained that ounce of intelligence”, Jareth muttered to himself. Before continuing: “Oh come on! It’s bad enough being the star of such an insipid, boring, sterile piece of writing such as this - I don’t even get to fuck you?”

Jareth faintly became aware of small insect-type creatures having made a home for themselves in his pubic hair. “That’s what you get for calling my writing sterile, you fuck”, thought the author.

“No, you don’t!” came Sarah’s disappointingly weak reply.

“Oh, so you’ll fuck Brian, that complete and total asshole, but you won’t fuck me, someone that re-fucking-arranged time for your puny white ass?”

“At least Brian wasn’t a fucking psycho!”

“Psycho”. Mused Jareth. “I like that.”

He stood, and revealed a blade somewhere between a knife and a short-sword in his right hand.

“Do you really think you can stop me?”

Sarah turned, and without so much as blinking Jareth had slammed her bedroom door shut in her face, with a magic grip that no mortal hand could shove. Sarah ran for the window, that Jareth had entered through himself so many years ago, and again without movement Jareth created a thin sheet of impervious metal, which ran through mid air blocking off her only exit. She turned back to Jareth.

“You’re no match for me... Sarah”, Jareth harshly spoke, twisting the words from a children’s movie into a seething, threatening, rage.

Sarah cowered in the corner as Jareth approached, his erection having pierced through his tights, throbbing with an evil menace like a venemous snake. Jareth was twisting what should have been an object of love and affection into an instrument of pain and suffering, and even now from her corner, even compared to the incident with Brian, she knew that she was never going to be the same again.

Sarah lashed out with a fist into Jareth’s stomach as soon as he came into range, which she followed up with a punch in the jaw, knocking him to the bed. Running on a burst of adrenaline she didn’t know people were capable of she punched at Jareth’s eyes down into the bed. She got in two punches, before Jareth had managed to grab her with one arm, and with his other slash the blade into her side.

The adrenaline transcended into pure fear. She’d never taken a wound so badly, she’d considered it a grave unfairness in the world when she stubbed a toe, and her side was literally cut open. There’s no way to describe the pain really, try it yourselves though, cut a huge gash into your side, you’ll see what I mean.

Jareth grabbed Sarah as she bellowed in pain, and pinned her to the bed.

“This is Labyrinth fan-fiction, Sarah”, Jareth exclaimed, a deranged look in his eyes, a crazed slobber on his chin. “We have to get together”. Jareth grabbed Sarah’s head and banged it hard on a bed post. “It’s what the readers want”. Again, he banged her head again. Sarah could feel herself starting to lose consciousness. She wasn’t sure, but she thought her head was bleeding. “Just think of all the stupid, horny young fucks out there reading that will flock in their adoration at the fantasy of being you. Getting to have sex with someone as all-round yum as myself”. He banged her head again. Her head was definitely bleeding, she realised.

Jareth stood, and Sarah tried to move, but it was no good. She was too weak. She could barely even move her head. Jareth tugged at her clothes, and stripped her lower-half completely naked. Sarah wept at her lack of control. “It’s not fair” she thought, despising herself for having used that phrase so freely in the past. She hadn’t even known what “not fair” even was, until now.

“What’s the matter, sweetheart?” Jareth asked clambering on her body, his prick sliding wretchedly up Sarah’s inner-thigh. “Don’t you know you’re about to live out the fantasy of teenage girls every where?”, he asked, the head of his erection rubbing terrifyingly against Sarah’s naughtiest of naughty parts.

In a plot-twist so dire it’s normally saved for Friday The 13th sequels, Michael suddenly jumped out of Sarah’s cupboard, grabbed Jareth, and flung him to the floor.

“Are you okay, Sarah?” asked Michael.

Jareth got to his feet, approached the good-natured but idiotic Michael, and thrust the blade through the back of his head, emerging through his face, and then jiggled the blade about it so as to generate a disturbing visual to compensate for the lack of actual thrills. Sarah screamed.

After dropping Michael’s fairly shabby body to the floor, he approached Sarah again.

“Now where were we?”, he asked. Not through an attempt to be sardonic, he’d genuinely forgotten. “Oh yes”, he remembered.

He put the blade to Sarah’s throat.

“If you don’t let me have what I want, the same fate shall befall you as did your hapless chum”.

Sarah smiled. She looked into Jareth’s eyes, and everything she was trying to convey was so simply done with that glance. It conveyed everything she was thinking and feeling. It was crystal clear. And then, having made her point, in a final push of energy she drove her head forward, forcing the blade into her throat and killing her instantly.

Well, actually it was a rather slow death, very painful, coughing up lots of blood yet barely being able to cough, so having her lungs and mouth fill with her own blood, while she was still conscious to take it all in. But still, “instantly” sounds so much more poetic.

Jareth sighed.

“Well, waste not, want not”, he philosophised, and picked up Sarah’s corpse and headed back to his castle, with the very definitive formed idea of using it as a sex-toy.

THE END

I could be a genius if I just put my mind to it.

Mousey
(kook)
03/06/02 10:46 PM
Re: Chapter 22 new [re: twister]  

*rises from her seat and applauds* Brava, brava! Twister! Beautiful! A little on The Hunger side, but beautiful!!! I commend you, Twister! A beautiful piece of work!

Monte: "Well, we can go out and then you can go home and do whatever it is that you DO do...... at home....... THEN."

Starbuck
(cracked actor)
03/07/02 00:40 AM
Re: Chapter 22 new [re: twister]  

oooh...that was lovely! i especially liked how michael popped out of nowhere! also, jareth so eager to please his fans, well, it just shows how dedicated he is :) starbuck

"Goonies never say die!!!"

Kristin Machina
(crash course raver)
03/07/02 00:53 AM
All good things... new [re: Starbuck]  

...must come to an end.

And if you got to end it, go out with a bang! (so to speak )

Don't understand me, just love me

moonspyke
(electric tomato)
03/07/02 03:43 PM
Re: All good things... new [re: Kristin Machina]  

*laughs* great ending twister! a fine piece of truly twisted twister work!

::It's in your reach...concentrate::

Remade/Remodeled
(cracked actor)
03/07/02 05:49 PM
Apple Sauce new [re: twister]  

Now who said twister didn't have a sensitive side?

If I have previously told you to drink your own urine then I am sorry

Kristin Machina
(stardust savant)
11/12/03 02:12 AM
Re: Twister's Labyrinth Fiction new [re: twister]  

Can't let this gem go now, can we?

Don't understand me, just love me

SysiyoModerator
(thunder ocean)
06/23/04 07:46 AM
Re: Chapter 22 new [re: twister]  

*Sobs* That was so beautiful... And, incidentally, the first Laby-fic I've ever read. (Though I've promised to write one, but that's another story).

KArt | Project Michelangelo | LiveJournal

Shockhorror
(grinning soul)
06/26/04 08:51 PM
Re: Chapter 22 new [re: Sysiyo]  

That was a riot, twister. I love how you avoid every single fanfic cliche. The last chapter had me grinning the whole time.

It was also the first Laby fic I've read, too. Usually when I'd try to write one they always end up as crossovers. But that happens with any fanfic I write.

Vengeance is sweet.

Dara
(acolyte)
07/01/04 11:56 AM
Re: Twister's Labyrinth Fiction (kept) new [re: twister]  

Good stuff, I enjoyed that. Definitely to be treasured.

Slan libh,

Dara

So Levi's are called Levi's because the guy's name was Levi Strauss? Why didn't they call them strousers? - Fiona O'Kearney 6/5/2004

96dbFreak
(acolyte)
02/06/07 11:46 PM
Re: Oi! Bastard! new [re: Remade/Remodeled]  

In reply to:

You complete me twister!


OMFG! Could you get any gayer, rapist pig?

Stu
Get Bowie Back Downunder


schizophrenic
(acolyte)
02/07/07 06:44 PM
Re: Oi! Bastard! new [re: 96dbFreak]  

Stu, do you even pay this much attention to your own family?

"If Australia ever gets a new national anthem I'll insist 'punch her in the twat' is in the lyrics somewhere." - PHOENIX

96dbFreak
(acolyte)
02/07/07 08:34 PM
Re: Oi! Bastard! new [re: schizophrenic]  

In reply to:

...this much...


Oh this isn't a lot. This is the tiniest of drops in comparison to the shitstorm that R/R the rapist pig can expect to experience from now on (or at least until he's in prison, where he belongs).

"You complete me twister!" - Remade/Remodeled

schizophrenic
(acolyte)
02/07/07 09:20 PM
I'll take that as a no. new [re: 96dbFreak]  

In reply to:

This is the tiniest of drops in comparison to the shitstorm that R/R the rapist pig can expect to experience from now on (or at least until he's in prison, where he belongs).


So what, every single thread with a response from R/R is now going to have "rapist pig" attatched to it? Have you ever considered doing something more productive, like, I dunno, anger management?

I mean, I enjoy a good feud every now and then, but digging up old threads and trolling the board with lame insults does not a good feud make.

"If Australia ever gets a new national anthem I'll insist 'punch her in the twat' is in the lyrics somewhere." - PHOENIX

96dbFreak
(acolyte)
02/07/07 09:56 PM
Re: I'll take that as a no. new [re: schizophrenic]  

I think you’re being a tad prematurely negative here. I mean, you’re not giving it the opportunity to see how it pans out. It’s only been going one day and obviously it’s had to go on hiatus while rapist pig flies from one end of the Pacific to the other. Give it the chance to develop. Don’t be so impatient.

As for raking up old threads - some of this material is gold. Absolute gold. The workings of sick mind, laid bare through through the window to the soul that is his horrendous poetry. Pure bloody gold.

"You complete me twister!" - Remade/Remodeled

schizophrenic
(acolyte)
02/07/07 10:09 PM
Re: I'll take that as a no. new [re: 96dbFreak]  

Valid points all, but you still scare the shit out of me.

"If Australia ever gets a new national anthem I'll insist 'punch her in the twat' is in the lyrics somewhere." - PHOENIX

96dbFreak
(acolyte)
02/07/07 10:27 PM
Re: I'll take that as a no. new [re: schizophrenic]  

You have nothing to fear but fear itself....and R/R the rapist pig, of course.

"You complete me twister!" - Remade/Remodeled

schizophrenic
(acolyte)
02/07/07 11:17 PM
Re: I'll take that as a no. new [re: 96dbFreak]  

Okay, not to be rude, but are you capable of coming up with anything more clever than "rapist pig"? Like, if the general TW populace is going to wind up wading through more of this shit, it damn well better be entertaining to someone other than you and, um, you.

Besides, I'd argue that Diamond_Dave gave off much, MUCH stronger "rapist pig" vibes than R/R ever could.

"If Australia ever gets a new national anthem I'll insist 'punch her in the twat' is in the lyrics somewhere." - PHOENIX

96dbFreak
(acolyte)
02/07/07 11:27 PM
Re: I'll take that as a no. new [re: schizophrenic]  

Well I don't want to jump the gun and lay all the cards on the table during the first round, suffice it to say that a gathering of the evidence will be forthcoming and should prove to be food for thought.

Diamond Dave is a great big, cuddly, sweet charming bear of a man. He may be a dodgy bastard (by all accounts), but he never did me any wrong and his relations with other people, particularly of the female persuasion, seemed to me to be conducted in a reasonable and polite manner (discounting any financial mis-dealings that may have occured). He is in complete contrast to the snake-like, sly, creepy, rapist scumbag that R/R presents himself as.

"You complete me twister!" - Remade/Remodeled

JarethsGirl
(stardust savant)
02/08/07 07:12 AM
Re: I'll take that as a no. new [re: schizophrenic]  

In all fairness, the rape accusation did spawn a highly popular, incredibly genius thread...

Oh well, I guess I'll just have to tell everyone else's rape stories for them.

And, I know just who to victimize... [diabolical smirk]

If guns are made for shooting, then skulls are made to crack.
You’ve never seen a better Faig than with a bullet in his back.


White Prism
(stardust savant)
02/08/07 09:50 AM
R/R's Puppy love new [re: schizophrenic]  

Schizo, I don't wish to take sides or anything, but I have to say

In reply to:

You complete me twister!


is possibly the gayest thing this site has ever seen. Besides Monkeyboy's ass, that is.

(Don't worry, I luv u monkee!)

Mormons are the worst because, much like telemarketers, they're not allowed to fuck off until you tell them to. -- Wraith2

Remade/Remodeled
(acolyte)
02/08/07 10:25 AM
Better never than late new [re: 96dbFreak]  

In reply to:

OMFG! Could you get any gayer, rapist pig?


I don't know, the world has changed a lot since August 2001. Given that I've kissed two guys since then, I'd say that yes, I probably have.

But I suppose I could start obsessing over someone a third of my age I met on an internet message board; transposing my sick, psycho-sexual fantasies on them in a repetitive and nonsensical manner; making sure that 90% of my many posts in a 48 hour period refer to him and mention personal details of his that I have been recording since I first encountered him 6 years before; reading through 4 years worth of his abysmal poetry and quoting posts he made complimenting a friend's comic genius when he was 17 years old and generally being a creepy old bastard.

Wait... is 'gay' the right word there?

Seriously though, thanks for fighting the good fight here Schizo but I really enjoy watching Stu go off like this. I mean, when I suggested that he molested his daughters (an accusation that seems to have gained creedence due to his reaction), I expected retaliation of sorts. And, when I logged into that thread the next day and the only reply was that he hoped I got aids from my next rape victim, I was actually impressed: "Wow, Stu's finally grown up a bit"... it was so unlike Stu just to make one brief, almost funny comment like that then leave something alone. But... then I saw the next thread.

And the next one.

And the next one.

Wow... I mean, this is Stu on an all out offensive against me. This!!! As a study in pathetic obsession and wasted life, this is Death of a Salesman meets Death in Venice!!!!!! I mean, think about it: according to Stu, he is an experienced man of the world who spent his dashing youth cavorting around with beautiful Thatcherite women, organising admirable acts of political activism and travelling the planet not fucking Japanese schoolgirls. Yet, here he is now in his late 50s, the twilight of his years, hunched over a computer screen for around 18 hours of each day by turns obsessively making the same remarks about various (well, two now Twister's gone) people on this website, trying desperately to prove how hip he is by talking about new music or talking to younger people about how he was [insert topic of conversation here] long before they were even born.

I mean, what happened? What changed? Was the Stu of yesteryear real or was he just the invention of a pitisome man who has spent too long alone with his own hatred of a world that rejected him at every turn?

Honestly, I really wish I had some ability to write because Stu is just far too brilliant a character to let go to waste: the difference between how he seems himself and how the world sees him is almost Brentian in magnitude, but with this unfathomable depth of hatred for anyone who disagrees with him, is younger than him or generally appears to be enjoying their life.

Sadly, I could never do the comedic and pathos-laden potential of such a figure justice, so I'll make to with showing my girlfriend a series of Stu's posts when she comes over tomorrow to ensure she knows that she's not the only one who can't stop thinking of me.

Oh, and Stu, there hasn't been an 'argument' (one has to use the
term loosely with you involved) in the Artiste's since Kelly Jean posted that chat transcript that the Deuce just about rubbed his cock raw masturbating over and I'd really hate to see that change and give K any more work than he needs, so would you mind keeping this in the Site Feedback or Coffee Shop forums? Perhaps you could start a thread with this evidence of yours you don't want to waste 'in the first round'.

Oh, and I'll beat you to the punch: rapist pig.

I think I was trying to suggest something about the duality of man, sir

schizophrenic
(acolyte)
02/08/07 12:56 PM
Re: R/R's Puppy love new [re: White Prism]  

In reply to:

You complete me twister!
is possibly the gayest thing this site has ever seen. Besides Monkeyboy's ass, that is.


You sure about that? I mean, we've got like 10 000 or so Dogz posts to take into account here, not to mention the occasional presence of some bona fide gay people.

And Claude who, as we all know, is the bisex.

"If Australia ever gets a new national anthem I'll insist 'punch her in the twat' is in the lyrics somewhere." - PHOENIX

Edited by schizophrenic on 02/08/07 12:57 PM (server time).



96dbFreak
(acolyte)
02/08/07 01:44 PM
Attachment
Youngest victim yet? new [re: Remade/Remodeled]  

In reply to:

...I'll make to with showing my girlfriend...


"You have bad taste in men, sweetheart" - Remade/Remodeled



White Prism
(stardust savant)
02/08/07 01:54 PM
Me vs. Stu in the Worst Memory Games new [re: schizophrenic]  

In reply to:

10 000 or so Dogz posts


Good point, good point. I was over-generalising, I know. My mind shot back years, back into pre-registration fantasies, when all that I'd ever browse the site for was to decode the subliminal homoeroticism between Twister & R/R, who to me were like the, uh, Pete and Kate of TW . . . and then to find this comment that seemed to seal it, which admittedly was not very gay, but tantalisingly so. . . . Perhaps I ought to do the Ted Haggard thing and take a fortnight of therapy.

Okay, so how many more posters can I alienate in a single thread? Well, what's the harm in trying?

Now forgetthatim50 always struck me as an illiterate moron, and I've been itching for weeks to tell hir that I've seen better parsing from posters who've puked over their keyboards, but I've never really had the chance till now.

And also I've no idea who Quadrophenia is, but judging from their post count they must've been registered for years which prompts the question, 'How the hell have I missed them all this time?' Though the answer is 'Quite easily'; they made a kinda sucky 'I luv Bowie!!' post that grated a while back. Uh, that's all for now.

Mormons are the worst because, much like telemarketers, they're not allowed to fuck off until you tell them to. -- Wraith2

Edited by white prism on 02/08/07 02:02 PM (server time).



Remade/Remodeled
(acolyte)
02/08/07 07:21 PM
Maeve baby new [re: 96dbFreak]  

So you saved that picture? Wow...

Thanks for that though, she is my favourite cousin and I didn't have any pictures of her here.

And, seriously: congratulations. You made me laugh and didn't use the term 'rapist pig'.


Though, does anyone find it odd that despite being a steadfast supporter of TW's four most notorious perverts (Deuce, Ardent, Pablo and Dirty Dave) he's suddenly coming down on me so hard for a minor misdemeanor like rape? Though, it is amusing that someone who (allegedly) molests their children sees nothing ungentlemanly in Dave's behaviour towards women, even though that includes proposing threesomes with him and his dad.

I think I was trying to suggest something about the duality of man, sir

96dbFreak
(acolyte)
02/08/07 07:39 PM
Re: Maeve baby new [re: Remade/Remodeled]  

In reply to:

Though, does anyone find it odd that despite being a steadfast supporter of TW's four most notorious perverts (Deuce, Ardent, Pablo and Dirty Dave) he's suddenly coming down on me so hard for a minor misdemeanor like rape?


A "minor misdemeanor like rape"??????

Holy crap, you are a piece of work you sick little fuck.

"You complete me twister!" - Remade/Remodeled

Monkeyboy
(band intro)
02/09/07 08:49 AM
Re: R/R's Puppy love new [re: White Prism]  

In reply to:

(Don't worry, I luv u monkee!)


Ew

Please visit my Message Board so I can ban you.

Starlite
(acolyte)
02/09/07 01:55 PM
Re: I'll take that as a no. new [re: 96dbFreak]  

In reply to:

He may be a dodgy bastard (by all accounts), but he never did me any wrong and his relations with other people, particularly of the female persuasion, seemed to me to be conducted in a reasonable and polite manner (discounting any financial mis-dealings that may have occured). He is in complete contrast to the snake-like, sly, creepy, rapist scumbag that R/R presents himself as.


Dude. As a woman, I would MUCH rather that someone just be snake-like and creppy right off, than apparently present oneself as "reasonable and polite," and then run off with all my money, leaving nothing but a trail of dirty online correspondence with randon women on my computer. You think I'll care about politeness at that point?!

If you consider that "sweet" and "cuddly," let alone "reasonable," I hope your wife has a separate banking account. And a lawyer.



Marquis
(wise like orangutan)
02/09/07 04:41 PM
Norty Work new [re: Starlite]  

Starlite, sounds like u've been nawtee! Would u like to send me sum pix??

The uprise of mexicans and african americans in our general area has uprisen.
I think some people feel threatened.


Strawman
(chameleon, comedian, corinthian and caricature)
02/09/07 05:12 PM
Re: I'll take that as a no. new [re: Starlite]  

In reply to:

I would MUCH rather that someone just be snake-like and creppy right off,


Same here, 'though I've never met anybody snake-like that had a penchant for pancakes.



Starlite
(acolyte)
02/09/07 05:26 PM
Re: Norty Work new [re: Marquis]  

Would I have to wear hose and suspenders? I have just got a new pair too!




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