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(cracked actor)
10/15/02 05:41 AM
Re: David Bowie - A Biography new [re: PHOENIX]  


"And this years winner of the Brit Awards Best Male Artist is...David Bowie!", the audience in London went wild with applause, then waited, and waited. No David. He'd gone off again, into his cellar all shy-like.

Attempts were made to coax him out with offers such as a role in the upcoming '1984' film alongside John Hurt and Richard Burton, and a role as a villian in the next James Bond movie. But Bowie was proving to be a tough nut to dislodge.

He did crawl out at night, slinking off to the studio, first in Montreux at the Mountain Studios, and then later at Marin Heights near Toronto. Word had it he was working on something speical. Seen nearby were co-producers Derek Bramble (ex Heatwave member) and Hugh Padgham (just some bozo). Iggy Pop was also about the place letting it all hang out. Bowie recalls recording his 19th album :

'I got to the studio, and only then did I realise, I didn't have shit to record. I'd been spending all my time playing in my money and cutting up my lino. So I thought, "What the hell", I put down some covers and made up some crap on the spot. "That'll keep the SOBs happy" I thought. Don't print that last part ok?'

In May Decca couldn't wait any longer, they just had to do it. They released 'Love You Till Tuesday'. Again. Some old tracks were added, others were thrown out. Again. Fans began to picket the Decca offices with signs such as "Enough Already" and "The only one I don't have is Ching-A-Ling, you expect me to pay $12 for Ching-A-Ling??".

All that fuss got Bowie's juices going again. 'What we need is a 22 minute film clip for a three minute song.' He announced and called Julien Temple to direct. The result would be 'Jazzin for Blue Jean' and would be used to promote his forthcoming single recorded earlier in the year.

In 'Jazzin for Blue Jean' Bowie would take on two roles. That of nutcase Screaming Lord Byron, and that of nutcase Vic. A typical study of nutcase finds girl, nutcase loses girl to even bigger nutcase who has lots of money and fame. Stuck in there somewhere was the song 'Blue Jean' for some reason.

The film premiered on September 21st as support to the film, 'The Company of Wolfs'

Werewolf Film Weekly - What the?

Blue Jean Weekly - My favourite part was when he did that thing!

Then came the single, and the album. 'Tonight'.

New Musical Express - I predict ladies and gentlemen, that in 15-20 years from now, people will be complaining bitterly about this album on a network of interconnected computers around the world.

Music Today - When I listened to this album my period started, which I consider to be a bad omen

The album went to number 1 before David could stop it. So he went back to his basement in Switzerland to furiously carve out his frustrations in wood, make some lino cuts and paint.

EMI released the 'Tonight' single in November. Along with 'Tumble and Twirl' as the b-side. 'Tonight' was a song about a demented madman who instead of saving his dying love, decides to torment her with an Iggy Pop cover song.

On December 28th Terry decided to attempt suicide. He lay down across the railway track near Coulsdon South station but changed his mind at the last minute. He was injured in this attempt. It was life number 8 for poor Terry, who was living on borrowed time.

2. And the eyes of them were both opened and they knew they were both naked, and Adam said to her, 'Stand back, I don't know how big this is going to get.'

(cracked actor)
10/16/02 04:00 AM
Re: David Bowie - A Biography new [re: PHOENIX]  


On January 16th Terry finally succeeded in killing himself. Again laying on the tracks near Coulsdon South station. The funeral was on January 25th. David sent flowers. Rest in Peace Terry, may you finally find the peace of mind that you never found in life.

That month David and The Pat Metheny Band boarded flight 184 intending to fly to New York. Imagine their surprise when they ended up in Singapore. This prompted them to record 'This Is Not America'.

The song was included on the film 'The Falcon and The Snowman'. A Sean Penn/Timothy Hutton film based on the Robert Lindsey novel about a bird who shocks the world by building a snowman, or something like that. Look, it doesn't matter does it? He only half-did a song that was used in the movie. Is the snowman so important? The snowman isn't even mentioned in the song for cryin' out loud.

After some controversy about why the snowman wasn't mentioned in the 'Falcon and The Snowman' song, David scuttled back to his Switzerland retreat. Coco the Monkey would fetch him things when he needed them, but it was hard to tell what Coco fetched as Bowie was guarding his privacy jealously. Perhaps glasses of water, perhaps something more sinister, like a Giant Death Ray. Most probably glasses of water though.

Interviews were becoming rare, several members of the press were blown up, shot down or vaporised attempting to get the David's front door and ring the bell. It was all too much so The Sunday Times began publishing stuff they made up, mostly about David's connection with Terry and the 'family curse', the fact that David had a map tatooed on his back (which led to treasure!) and the possiblity that 'TVC-15' stood for "Tender Vestible Christmas 15". The desperation of the time is caught with this headline :


It was no relief when in May 'Loving The Alien' was released in single format. You can't interview a single. It's only use was to either play frisbee with or listen to 'Loving The Alien' with. Perhaps David had retired.

Not so, for on 13th July David performed at the Live Aid Concert in Wembley Stadium. He had been rehearsing this for two weeks and played 'TVC-15', 'Jean Genie', 'Modern Love' and 'Heroes'. When he heard that the money was going to charity he threw his microphone down, kicked it, and shouted, 'Crap!'.

For Live Aid he had also recorded a video with Mick Jagger. 'Dancing In The Street'. It was about two absolute lunatics with obvious trouble controlling their bodily motions. 'Spastic In The Street' would have been a more aptly descriptive title, but this was Live Aid and everyone wanted to celebrate the Western World's dominance over poor African countries, so a more festive title was preferred.

Bowie and Jagger would go on to release this song as a single in August, promoting it with the video. Somehow it went to Number 1 and stayed there for a month. When Bowie heard that once again all profits would go to charity he threw his copy of the video on the floor, kicked it, and screamed 'For Gods Sake!'

With his music earnings being siphoned off to needy children, David decided it was time to dabble in film once more. He went to work on two projects that would be released next year :

'Absolute Beginners', directed by Julien 'Jazzing for Blue Jean' Temple, would feature Bowie as Vendice Partners, an advertising man intent on corrupting the young hero of the piece. He would squeeze him and remove his innocence, just as he had done to Coco the Monkey.

'Labyrinth', a directorial debut by Jim Henson, would feature plenty of muppets. Including one interesting sock muppet which Bowie would shove down his tights during filming. Bowie would play Jareth, The King of the Goblins (King of the Muppets).

Bowie would also write and record songs for both of these movies. 'If the proceeds go to charity, someone's going to get a knuckle sandwich' he announced ominously.

In October many began to doubt their sanity when they saw apon the record shelves 'The David Bowie Collection'. The old Decca collection had been trundled out again and given a new name. Had Jesus been here on Earth, he would have surely wept and denounced God. After all, what God would let this happen?

2. And the eyes of them were both opened and they knew they were both naked, and Adam said to her, 'Stand back, I don't know how big this is going to get.'

10/16/02 04:21 AM
Excellent, but... new [re: PHOENIX]  

In reply to:

Is the snowman so important? The snowman isn't even mentioned in the song for cryin' out loud.

Well, actually it is:

Snowman melting
From the inside
Falcon spirals
To the ground

But let's all ignore the fact to increase the comical value of this wonderful biography .

(cracked actor)
10/16/02 05:47 AM
Oooops new [re: Sysiyo]  

Well, err, yes, hmm, of course it is...I was talking about...the other snowman...yeah thats it...the other snowman that he so thoughtlessly didn't include in the song.

2. And the eyes of them were both opened and they knew they were both naked, and Adam said to her, 'Stand back, I don't know how big this is going to get.'

(cracked actor)
10/16/02 01:58 PM
Re: David Bowie - A Biography new [re: PHOENIX]  


"I am not young enough to know everything" - Oscar Wilde

(cracked actor)
10/17/02 01:58 AM
Re: David Bowie - A Biography new [re: PHOENIX]  


'I don't want to over-hype this movie, or get people's expectations up too high, but in my opinion 'Absolute Beginners' is bigger than God'. Despite Absolute Beginner's two central characters being played by Eddie O'Connell and Patsy Kensit, David was being constantly wheeled out to promote the film, despite having no problem walking.

Entertainment Weekly - You're saying this film will change the world forever?

Bowie - It's a dangerous film. At the test screenings last week 17 people died from shock. They actually passed away because the film they were watching was so spectacular.

Entertainment Weekly - I find that hard to believe.

Bowie - Get out of my office.

The title track, written and performed by Bowie, produced by Bowie, Clive Langer and Alan Winstanley, was by stunning coincidence also titled 'Absolute Beginners'. It was released as a single in March and proved popular, making Number 1 in the British charts. Eddie and Patsy became very excited.

The film was premiered in April, along with the soundtrack through Virgin which contained three Bowie tracks, the title track, 'That's Motivation' and 'Volare'. There was much hoopla, trumpets, fireworks and silly-string. The film crawled from the primordial sea of Hollywood, flopped around for a bit, and then expired.

Movie Magazine - Extrodinary. Spectacular. Amazing. These are words I'd use to describe it if it hadn't of been so average.

Anal Moviegoer Weekly - What possible use could such a giant typewriter have? It would take you three weeks to write a letter on that thing.

Film and Movie - Ahhh, ummm, it was...I liked that bit...you know, the bit where he twirled the thing...but....

David moved right along to Labyrinth. Letting Eddie and Patsy get on with picking up the pieces. In June EMI America put out the 'Labyrinth' soundtrack. It tried desperately to get back in, crying out 'I'm not ready yet!', but EMI were having none of that.

Play School Music Review - Chilly Down made my four year old son cry.

'Underground', from the soundtrack album was released as a single. It was Bowie's 46th single, and he was happy since when he got to release 50 it would sound very impressive. 'Underground' was where most of the singles ended up.

Labyrinth was by no means a big hit when it was released to theatre screens world wide. But it would prove to be a Bowie conduit for horny teenage girls in years to come. Despite the anti-erotic nature of muppets, Bowie would portray his Muppet-King as handsome and mysterious, with a huge package.

The film details the plight of Sarah, played by Jennifer Connely, as she tries to solve the Muppet King's labyrinth and save her baby brother from a fate that may or may not be frighteningly perverse. She is aided by a bunch of muppets, because a movie just can't have too many muppets.

Premiere - Woah! What a package!

Movie Magazine - 10 inches!

In October Virgin released another Bowie song fronting yet another film. 'When The Wind Blows', a film about an old Prussian town who's inhabitants all get a terrible case of gas at the same time, saw Bowie release the title track to the soundtrack. It was, unsurprisingly, called 'When The Wind Blows'.

New Musical Express - Blows.

2. And the eyes of them were both opened and they knew they were both naked, and Adam said to her, 'Stand back, I don't know how big this is going to get.'

10/17/02 02:33 AM
Again, great, but... new [re: PHOENIX]  

In reply to:

It was released as a single in March and proved popular, making Number 1 in the British charts.

Except that it topped at number 2 in the British charts.

(cracked actor)
10/17/02 04:46 AM
Re: Again, great, but... new [re: Sysiyo]  

In my alternate universe it made number 1

2. And the eyes of them were both opened and they knew they were both naked, and Adam said to her, 'Stand back, I don't know how big this is going to get.'

10/17/02 05:34 AM
Re: Again, great, but... new [re: PHOENIX]  

I don't have anything against that. It should have gone to no. 1.

(cracked actor)
10/17/02 05:53 AM
Re: David Bowie - A Biography [re: PHOENIX]  


David had been busy. Well semi-busy, not as busy as he used to be. He had spent three months writing and recording a new album for EMI America. David Richards had been co-producing, Carlos Alomar again layed down some guitar, Erdal Kizilcay keyboards, drums and trumpet, and Peter Frampton, with whom he had shared the bill with in high school, put down some lead guitar. Then they all had to pick it all up again as there was an album to be done.

March had rolled around by the time Bowie called a press conference at the Players Theatre to announce he only had two days left to live. When the entire worlds press arrived to catch the alarming scoop Bowie said 'Only Kidding' and broke into 'Day-In Day-Out', a song from his forthcoming album. He announced a world tour to the angry press.

Peter Frampton and Bowie first undertook a two-man world tour (holding press conferences and playing songs) to promote the upcoming world tour. An idea was formulating in David's mind, next time perhaps there should be a world tour to promote the world tour that would promote the world tour.

Later that month 'Day-In Day-Out' was released with 'Julie' as the B-side. The A-side was from the soon to be released album 'This'll Let You Down', whose name was changed at the last minute to 'Never Let Me Down' for fear of low record sales. It would reach number 17 in the UK charts, though I should check on that with Sysiyo I think.

'Never Let Me Down' was out in April, while Peter and David were travelling the world before travelling the world.

Sunday Herald - NLMD is not that bad. Now let us never speak of it again.

New Musical Express - NLMD is that bad.

The Sun - This has been discussed before

The new tour would be more adventurous than the time David decided to see how many ping pong balls he could fit into his mouth at one time. He wanted a giant insect to dominate the stage, idea's were floated. Dung beetle? No, The Dung Beetle Tour didn't have the right ring to it. Stink Bug? Might keep people away. The glass spider was chosen, after all, it was one of the songs on the album.

The glass spider would tower about 60 feet above the stage and frighten the living shit out of all the arachniphobes in the audience. It would glow different colours, shoot lightening bolts to kill unlucky random concert-goers and at the end of each show scuttle off to lay waste to towns and villiges.

Besides Frampton, who Bowie could not seem to shake at this stage were Carlos Alomar (guitar) Erdal Kizilcay (keyboards, congas, violins and trumpet) Richard Cottle (synthesiser and saxaphone) Alan Childs (drums and percussion) and Carmine Rojas (bass). They were all angry because they were afraid of spiders and would have preferred a mosquito or maybe a fly.

The tour started in Rotterdam in May and was beset by problems from the start. Playing in vast arenas the spider, to some, seemed so far away as to be the size of an ordinary small garden variety, with Bowie as a distant red speck.

Bowie would descend from the giant spider on a chair supported by cables, but to most it simply looked like the spider was pooping Bowie. The show would start with 'Up The Hill Backwards', then the Bowie pooping, then 'Day-In Day-Out', 'Bang Bang' and 'Absolute Beginners'. Encores would usually be Iggy Pop's 'I Want To Be Your Dog' and Lou Reed's 'White Light, White Heat', which was appropriate since the musicians were suffering under the glare of 600,000 watts.

In London on June 19th and 20th at Wembley stadium, it rained so much that everyone could see Princess Diana's breasts. This was not so bad in itself but it meant everyone was watching that instead of the concert.

Meanwhile David was getting closer and closer to one of his dancers, Melissa Hurley. They would dance more and more intimately as the show wound around the world, eventually culminating in making love onstage much to the audiences delight (or at least those who could see, those further back simply saw the red speck jump on top of the white speck).

'Time Will Crawl/Girls' was released in June, as was 'Never Let Me Down/87 and Cry'. It is best if you ask Sysiyo for exact chart positions and whether or not snowmen were mentioned in either song.

David's Pye releases were re-issued October. Some people went insane. Many committed suicide.The thoughtful title given to this collection was 'David Bowie'.

The American leg of the tour followed later in the year, and unfortunately David started wearing a Dracula cape and forcing himself on women. This may have been a promotional tool. David using a tour to promote his tour, and his tool as a promotional tool. 30 year old Wanda Nicholls complained that as he took advantage he sung all of his newer crappy songs and refused to sing his older classics.

When Australia's turn came around a video was recorded in Sydney to capture The Glass Spider tour for future generations to complain about. David once again told everyone how much he loved the place and that he would keep coming back again and again.

Meanwhile he had completely fallen in love with Melissa, and Melissa with him. 'Every night, as I saw that big giant spider crap David, I thought, he is truly the most beautiful piece of spider feces I have ever seen in my life.'.

2. And the eyes of them were both opened and they knew they were both naked, and Adam said to her, 'Stand back, I don't know how big this is going to get.'

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