Oh Ramon
You are so big
Whenever you take me, I am filled
With joy

You've got me writhing in ecstasy
You've got me wrapped in a polythene bag
It's full of mealworms, Ramon
Why won't you let me out?

See the beauty in the terror
Frozen on my face
Try not to cry
Ramon

Then dump me in the river
The dirty Hudson River
My dumping days are over
But my smile is wide
Like the bumblebee

Never forget me, Ramon
Don't you ever fucking forget me, Ramon

I like that.

Schizo, are you at all familiar with the song-poem industry? I have never seen an actual ad for song-poem submissions, but the idea is they bill it as an opportunity for lyricists to work with so-called hitmakers. Actually, it's just a big scam in which the songwriters are prompted to send cash to foot the production costs. The songs are then recorded by session musicians and hack singers in a very shallow parody of some popular genre, a few copies are sent to the writer, and then it's forgotten (despite promises to promote and distribute.)

As you can imagine, this process has spawned some truly bizarre material over the many many years this has been going on. Some of it falls under the unintentionally funny/offensive/ridiculous category, but there are a few gems in which the lyricist is obviously lampooning the industry (often in a decidedly irreverent manner.)

This is a classic example and one of my personal favorites - the best of the worst - and the full story behind it.

Anyway, I recently stumbled upon the Ramsey Kearney website (the man who performed Blind Man's Penis, above) and he apparently is still collaborating with aspiring lyricists. I have no idea what this guy charges, but I think it would be awesome if you sent him one of your songs - even if nothing came out of it, at least to gauge his response.

In 1986 I was hospitalized for approaching perfection

I've heard of song-poems before, but I hadn't heard that particular gem. Wow. I love how the singer sounds like he's torn between putting some kind of feeling into the lyrics or getting the song done as quickly as possible and getting the hell out.

Though I would be interested in hearing my song done in that style, it makes me wonder - what's stopping me from giving it that kind of arrangement myself?

You absolutely could. It would be difficult to re-create that hackneyed, soulless approach, but not impossible.

For me, the allure would be in the surprise of the result, but if you can embody all this for some brief moment in time:



...then, by God man, what are you waiting for!?

In 1986 I was hospitalized for approaching perfection

I don't know what you're expecting, but this is far worse.

Okay.... That's fucking brilliant.

I didn't know your voice went that low.

I love the talking part you added at the end, but I'm having a hard time catching the thing after the human bottle of anti-depressants wrapped in a baby's diaper...







In 1986 I was hospitalized for approaching perfection

I was hugely impressed with your 'ramblings' stuff years ago, then you produced the hilarious 'Dogz' audio and now this - it's superb and I trust you will fill an album in the same vein.

Zappa's influence hasn't gone unnoticed.

In reply to:

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I love the talking part you added at the end, but I'm having a hard time catching the thing after the human bottle of anti-depressants wrapped in a baby's diaper...

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"You are like a human bottle of anti-depressants wrapped in a baby's diaper that a sentient couch stuffed with malomars decided to have sex with."

In reply to:

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I was hugely impressed with your 'ramblings' stuff years ago, then you produced the hilarious 'Dogz' audio and now this - it's superb and I trust you will fill an album in the same vein.

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Definitely, though it's beginning to rival Chinese Democracy in how long it's been taking. Such is the nature of the self-imposed deadline, I suppose.

In reply to:

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Zappa's influence hasn't gone unnoticed.

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It's pretty hard to miss.

That is the shit.

I don't know what genius is but you touched my nerve and that is what counts in life. I like the david gilmour solo swirled in there, too.

BTW, one of the coolest things from Zappa is the idea of conceptual continuity which Anthony knows well and all you other niggas should look up!

You fuckin' genius!