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Persilot
(stardust savant)
01/05/06 06:55 PM
Well "train"ed new  

Well after last years Christmas fiasco, where the car I was travelling in managed to break down in the middle of Yorkshire forcing me to seek out an inbred farmer and beg for his aid, I thought this year I'd take it easy and use the train to get home for Christmas.

So I go first class, I buy myself a new book, charge up my ipod and prepare myself for a fantastic journey. That's when things went terribly wrong...

I was sat at one of the table seats around which you can fit four people, the two seats opposite me were empty. Anyway I became rather absorbed in reading my book, so as you can imagine I was rather shocked and surprised when I look up to see a gigantic bull terrier sitting opposite me with its tongue lolling out, a huge load of slobber dripping from its mouth.

Next to the dog is sat a woman with a fake fur coat, who then proceeds to spend the entire journey talking baby talk to the dog, whilst wiping spittle from its chin with a packet of Kleenex. The dog meanwhile regards me with a baleful stare and proceeds to start farting nervously.

Just when I thought things can't possibly get worse, I notice the dog hasn't been neutered, I quickly realise this by the fact it is getting a massive erection and has begun to pant.

"Oh God, I'm about to be sexually assaulted by a dog on a train" I think to myself, but it was not to be. It simply sat there regarding me and continuing to fart.

It was to my mind the most bizarre train journey I've ever taken. I'd be intrigued to hear if anyone else has ever had a similar experience, though I doubt it.

P.S. This is what passes for a "I'm back post" in my world.

"We want the finest wines available to humanity, we want them here, and we want them now."

Marquis
(acolyte)
01/05/06 07:10 PM
The Old Grey Dog [re: Persilot]  

A leisurely train ride in first class through the lovely countryside of England *and* a dog to look at? You're lucky.

Try 48 straight hours on a Greyhound bus* from Oakland, CA to St. Paul, MN. Featuring hour after hour of scintillating overheard conversations on subjects ranging from "When I call my children, they hang up on me when they hear my voice" to "I'm 19 and my parents just disowned me for getting pregnant."

Follow that two weeks later with another 36 straight hours from St. Paul to New York, only this time with the whole bus packed with fat people.

In retrospect, of course, it was an "experience," and all the leg cramps and wafting toilet smells have faded in memory next to the glory of being able to say I did it. Still, even that treck was trumped in the weeks before by my friend Ben, who travelled by bus from Guatemala to Oakland, stayed a few weeks, and left for a 66 hr. straight shot to Washington D.C. a week before I did.

*I believe you'd call it a "coach," Percy. Or maybe Ye Olde Coache

bitch niggaz talk behind ya back like a catcher
either M-Y-O-B or B-Y-O stretcher


JamieSim
(crash course raver)
01/05/06 07:45 PM
Re: Well "train"ed new [re: Persilot]  

I got on the local metro today, I was opposite this guy who was let’s face it a bit of an arse.
I had my Ipod on about half volume and if any of you have got any experience with Ipods you will know that by there very nature ipod ear phones are not very loud, even at their loudest there shit. This guy asked me to turn it down so I said “Yeah Fine” this really pissed me of cos there was no way he could hear it. I even took the ear phones out of my ear to see if I could hear it to see it from his perspective but I couldn’t. Which left me thinking that this guy hasn’t told me to tern my music down because I was in someway desterbing his journey but he was trying to desemstrate that he had some for of control over me. It wasn’t just the fact he asked me but the way he asked the question I could tell from his body language and his expression that he was one of those miserable old cunts who for some reason had to demonstrate his influence and authority, he did seem a lot like one of those old teachers who was probably head of science in some shit school somewhere trying to make me one of his pupils . Anyway the sound of the metro going down at 60mph down a suburban railway track is much louder than my ipod. he was just trying to be a complete cunt and it really annoyed me

Anyway I got my own back though I went on the phone put it on speaker and talked quite loudly which was fun



don't u wish you're post was hot like mine don't ya don't ya (from that crappy pop song)

RabbitFighter
(acolyte)
01/05/06 11:46 PM
Re: Well "train"ed new [re: Persilot]  

Few months ago I experienced the exquisite pleasure of sitting opposite to a born again Christian wacko who was trying to convince some guy over phone that suicide isn't the answer. The guy shifted back and forth between sympathy ("We all are sinners but lord loves you) and threatening ("Kill yourself and it's one way ticket to hell!") with incredible style and grace.
The sheer absurdity of the situation was only heightened by the book I was trying to read (Leonard Cohen's Beautiful Losers).

“Keats and Yeats may be on your side, but I’m on Morrissey’s. Therefore, you fucking lose.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Morrissey

Starlite
(acolyte)
01/06/06 02:24 AM
Re: Well "train"ed new [re: Persilot]  

In reply to:

I notice the dog hasn't been neutered, I quickly realise this by the fact it is getting a massive erection and has begun to pant.


Actually, dogs do that even after they're neutered. I am well aware of this, as last week I was visiting relatives and playing with their (definitely neutered) dog, who ended up taking a bit too warmly to me and attacking my leg. Ow.



Atonalexpress
(acolyte)
01/06/06 02:52 AM
Re: Well "train"ed new [re: Persilot]  

welcome back. dogs farts are often horrific! often caused by dogs eating too fast or eating "people food" that cause flatulence. i was in Kona for the wekend when the house owner's dog was fed scraps from the table during a New Year's party. he farted all morning long the next day!

A Toe Nail


Marquis
(acolyte)
01/06/06 03:29 AM
Time for Bed new [re: Atonalexpress]  

In reply to:

welcome back. dogs farts are often horrific!


If I ever host a talk show, I'm using this when I come back from commercial.

bitch niggaz talk behind ya back like a catcher
either M-Y-O-B or B-Y-O stretcher


ladymacbeth
(electric tomato)
01/06/06 03:45 AM
Well coached new [re: Persilot]  

Until quite recently, when air fares to Poland got considerably cheaper, I used to travel from London to Gdansk on a coach. It took about 24 hours. The first time I did the journey was on a mini-bus and that was sheer hell. I mean, you stop off quite a lot and it was on one of these journeys that we had lunch in a roadside cafe in Belgium where I tasted my first raspberry kriek, but it doesn't change the fact that it's almost impossible to sleep sitting upright, you get leg cramps (DVT here we come), you get really hungry in the middle of the night and have nothing to eat, there's the possibility you may have to sit near someone who stinks, snores, talks too loud, listens to their personal stereo/walkman/iPod/whatever too loud, has boring conversations at such a volume they must think you're fucking interested on their phone or with their neighbours... Plus the tour operators showed films on the onboard TVs dubbed in Polish. Argh!!! Why do the Poles dub their films? They're not even dubbed well. One person reads the whole script! Some random bloke! Absolutely hellish. I suppose driving through several different countries (France, Holland, Belgium, Germany, Poland) was fairly interesting but mostly all you see is motorways anyway.

The ferry is the best bit. We normally did Dover to Calais but once we went to Oostende and we got a cabin and there was a disco and a casino on board. And you can have a pint of Guinness or Stella or a coffee with brandy at seven in the morning because you're on holiday and that's OK - yay!

But talking of singular experiences, I was on a train back from Leeds to my home town during a university holiday. Quite often back then, I bought period return tickets so that I could travel back weeks after I'd first gone out. There was a group of pissed football fans (sorry, can't remember their team but probably from London) sitting opposite me across the aisle. They were being really lairy and obnoxious and kept shouting at me. I was listening to my walkman and they were asking me what I was listening to (it was actually a Bowie compilation). When I told them, they were saying, "What are you listening to that old pervert for?" So I asked them what they liked and, rather predictably, they all said Oasis. Then the ticket inspector came along and checked my ticket and told me it was out of date and that I'd have to buy a full fare at about £50. I started to explain to him that I always booked a period return and went home after a few months and he said it only lasted a month and I said I just didn't understand, it had always been OK before. And then the football fans started shouting at him, "Leave 'er alone! What you pickin' on 'er for, you stupid git?" etc, etc. And the ticket inspector ran away! So the annoying pissed football blokes had saved my bacon. I was grateful of course, but I still had to put up with their comments for another hour and a half.

I'm not bad. I was just drawn that way.

Persilot
(stardust savant)
01/06/06 08:52 AM
Re: The Old Grey Dog new [re: Marquis]  

In reply to:

Try 48 straight hours on a Greyhound bus


Travelling by coach is always a perilous affair. I suppose it must be pretty boring in some parts of America, where you're just travelling down a straight road with no real scenery on either side for hours. Mind you, I once spent a coach journey down to London sat next to a man with a prosthetic leg, whose parlour trick was to take it off and play air guitar with it. Boy the hours just flew by.

In reply to:

were being really lairy and obnoxious and kept shouting at me


Hey come on, that's probably what passes for a charm offensive down south! If you'd asked them nicely they might have deigned to perform the national anthem through the medium of arm pit farting.

"We want the finest wines available to humanity, we want them here, and we want them now."

Marquis
(acolyte)
01/07/06 00:48 AM
Flippin' Sweet new [re: Persilot]  

In reply to:

Mind you, I once spent a coach journey down to London sat next to a man with a prosthetic leg, whose parlour trick was to take it off and play air guitar with it.


Yeah, that's pretty lame. Too bad it wasn't the homeless guy with a prosthetic leg I ran into outside a bar a few weeks back. He took the prosthetic off and stuck a perfect backflip on his good leg. It was the best 2 bucks I ever spent.

bitch niggaz talk behind ya back like a catcher
either M-Y-O-B or B-Y-O stretcher



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