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Coldfyr
(acolyte)
06/08/06 01:32 AM
Humor Me, Part II  

Since Fotofucket are being bastards... let's start this over again.



Indian Yoga Versus Irish Yoga



"A" is for Atonal, artfully adding audible auras

Atonalexpress
(acolyte)
06/08/06 01:53 AM
CHILDREN ON GRANDPARENTS new [re: Coldfyr]  

A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation.

One child wrote the following:

We always spend our vacation with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big, brick house,



but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.



They ride around on big tricycles.



and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.



They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.



At their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape.



Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.



My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.



Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out, so the ones who get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.



My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded one day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

~author unknown~




Obscurity is the Artist's Refuge


Coldfyr
(acolyte)
06/08/06 01:58 AM
twenty bucks or else! new [re: Atonalexpress]  

I love it!



A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the
bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the
pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... "Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag..."

"Dang!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I
can retrieve some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
money?" "
Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to
the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot
of guys come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each
time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say: $20 or
off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way,
what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....



"A" is for Atonal, artfully adding audible auras

Atonalexpress
(acolyte)
06/08/06 02:04 AM
CURE FOR HEADACHES new [re: Coldfyr]  

A man was suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he was referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor.

The specialist asked him what his symptoms were and he replied, "I get these blinding headaches kind of like a knife across my scalp and...." He was interrupted. "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?" "Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, but I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes."

Two weeks went by and the man came back. "Well, how do you feel?" the doctor asked.

"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way....nice house!"





Obscurity is the Artist's Refuge


Coldfyr
(acolyte)
06/08/06 02:15 AM
Re: CURE FOR HEADACHES new [re: Atonalexpress]  

and for the health minded people


Don't forget to eat your veggies!



"A" is for Atonal, artfully adding audible auras

fatwhiteduke
(wild eyed peoploid)
06/08/06 04:34 AM
Re: CURE FOR HEADACHES new [re: Coldfyr]  

Nice carrot - shame about the syphillitic sore on the left thigh...



Atonalexpress
(acolyte)
06/09/06 01:48 PM
A Soldier Came to a Fork in the Road new [re: Coldfyr]  

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain WHY later."

The nun agreed.

Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."

The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls. I don't want to go to Iraq either."


Obscurity is the Artist's Refuge


Atonalexpress
(acolyte)
06/12/06 02:26 PM
Garden Snakes are Dangerous [re: Coldfyr]  

Never bring plants into the house

Garden Grass Snakes (also known as Garter Snakes... Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous... Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

Here's why..

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. The little snake again crawled out from under the sofa. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes were seen by the neighbors who called the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

That's when she shot him.





Obscurity is the Artist's Refuge


bluequeen
(grinning soul)
06/12/06 02:54 PM
Re: Humor Me, Part II [re: Coldfyr]  

Now that's a horse of a different color!



Atonalexpress
(acolyte)
06/13/06 11:51 PM
Ten Old West Phrases [re: Coldfyr]  

Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After That Damned Gay Cowboy Movie


1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"



2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"



3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."



4. "Howdy, pardner."



5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."



6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."



7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."



8. "Let's mount up!"



9. "Nice spread ya got there!"



10. "Ride'em cowboy!"


Obscurity is the Artist's Refuge



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