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DrCrane
(absolute beginner )
11/14/04 07:17 AM
The Killer Bee Problem new  

Relax will you? Ok, good. I've been waiting for this for many years. I've been formulating plans. I have a list. Right at this very moment there is an oscilloscope in my van.

Now. I'm sure you are all very worried about this messageboard and it's problems. Many of you are running around and starting to panic. DON'T PANIC! There is nothing to worry about. As long as you stay calm. At this very moment there is a swarm of deadly African Killer Bees on their way. And they are more clever than you think. Unless you think that they are very clever. Then they are exactly as clever as you think. If you think that they have the intellect of a genius they may be less clever than you think.

I'm sure those who are reading this who have tried to register here have found it very difficult to do so. I know I did. It took me three. Bloody. Hours! I have an advanced degree from Cambridge! How else can you explain this? If not for the bees!? I'm very bloody sure that if you will all just let me take over command of this messageboard and do things my way something will happen. I'm not sure exactly what to do. But I'm sure of one thing. When it comes to deadly killer bees. I'm not talking about pizzas!

Of all the things I thought might destroy this messageboard, I never thought it would be the bees. The bees have always been our friends. But one thing is for sure. If we don't do something soon. Something will happen. And I'm not talking about pizzas!

Does anybody have any suggestions?

In all your "failsafe" techniques to protect this messageboard, is there a provision against an attack by killer bees?

twister
(acolyte)
11/14/04 04:51 PM
OH MY GOD new [re: DrCrane]  

In reply to:

DON'T PANIC!


AAAAAAAHHH!

I could be a genius if I just put my mind to it.

pablopicasso
(stardust savant)
11/14/04 04:58 PM
Re: The Killer Bee Problem new [re: DrCrane]  

(Looks at a photograph)

Oh well, in three days time I retire from this job, and I'll be able to see my family again for the first time in five years.
I think I might just buy that boat I always wanted.....

I fly to the nearest bar

Persilot
(cracked actor)
11/15/04 03:40 PM
Re: The Killer Bee Problem new [re: DrCrane]  

Next you'll be telling me that a shower of deadly meteorites is heading towards the earth.

"You are number 6."

DrCrane
(absolute beginner )
11/15/04 10:04 PM
Re: OH MY GOD new [re: twister]  

In reply to:

AAAAAAAHHH!


Relax. The yelling at each other experiments have been very encouraging. I've also written an article in the medical journal about sunflowers. If you get startled again, I advise you to run around screaming "Bees! Bees! Millions of bees!" If you see one. Immediately swat it with the palm of your hand.

In reply to:

I'll be able to see my family again for the first time in five years.


I hear that they are having a picnic today. I must advise them that if they come across any hives of bees, they should immediately throw things at it.

In reply to:

Next you'll be telling me that a shower of deadly meteorites is heading towards the earth.


I am not crazy. I am not. I've been following these killer bees around for years. The only bloody thing I'll be telling YOU is that a shower of deadly bees is heading towards this place at 7 miles per hour! Did you see that Ooops message earlier sir?? I think. The bees did this! No bee is this smart! But suppose these bees are? Just suppose for a moment. And when you are done supposing. Suppose me this! Bees!

In all your "failsafe" techniques to protect this messageboard, is there a provision against an attack by killer bees?

twister
(acolyte)
11/16/04 02:35 PM
Ol' Killer Bees Ain't Nuttin' Ta Fuck Wit new [re: DrCrane]  

In reply to:

Relax.


AAAAAAAHHH!

I could be a genius if I just put my mind to it.

Strawman
(acolyte)
11/16/04 02:46 PM
Re: Ol' Killer Bees Ain't Nuttin' Ta Fuck Wit [re: twister]  

In reply to:

AAAAAAAHHH!




A half-hearted AAAAAAAHHH! if ever I saw one.

Twister? It's AAARRRGGGHHH!

Did you never read the Beano?


In this world second thoughts, it seems, are best.

Persilot
(cracked actor)
11/16/04 03:21 PM
Re: Ol' Killer Bees Ain't Nuttin' Ta Fuck Wit new [re: Strawman]  

In reply to:

Did you never read the Beano?


Chortle.


"Questions are a burden to others."

Strawman
(acolyte)
11/16/04 04:00 PM
Re: Ol' Killer Bees Ain't Nuttin' Ta Fuck Wit new [re: Persilot]  

In reply to:

Chortle.


Guffaw! Guffaw!


In this world second thoughts, it seems, are best.

twister
(acolyte)
11/17/04 02:30 PM
We Three G's Ain't Nuttin' Ta Fuck Wit new [re: Strawman]  

In reply to:

AAARRRGGGHHH!


Sounds more angry than scared to me. Suppose it's the presence of three G's - that'd put the willies up anyone.

I could be a genius if I just put my mind to it.

DrCrane
(absolute beginner )
11/18/04 07:01 AM
Re: We Three G's Ain't Nuttin' Ta Fuck Wit new [re: twister]  

In reply to:

AAAAAAAHHH!


In reply to:

AAARRRGGGHHH!


In reply to:

Beano?


In reply to:

Chortle


In reply to:

Guffaw! Guffaw!


In reply to:

willies


It doesn't seem that anybody is taking me seriously. As usual. It is not until everybody is covered in bees that they do. That's right. Covered in bees and running around. Then it's "Oh DrCrane! I'm covered in killer bees! What should I do?" I tell them they should roll around on the ground swatting at themselves until they expire. And then I move on to the next board.

How many more bee attacks is it going to take? Four? Five? A million? I'm tired of people laughing at my bee awareness. Do YOU know what a killer bee looks like? And if you do, how do you know the bee you are looking at right now is not a killer bee PRETENDING to be a normal bee? The point is. I don't either! I can't run in the park naked anymore! Hardly anybody can!

So what normally happens is the bees arrive. Everybody sets fire to the place for some reason. The bees win. I'm sick of the bees winning. I want to be naked! I want to eat honey again! I want everybody to love me for warning them about the bees! I want attention! I miss my mother! I want a girlfriend! It's my fault little Billy died!

Well. Now I feel better. If anybody wants me I'll be in the Collector's Corner hiding from the bees...

In all your "failsafe" techniques to protect this messageboard, is there a provision against an attack by killer bees?

Dara
(acolyte)
11/18/04 07:25 AM
Word to the wise new [re: DrCrane]  

In reply to:

It doesn't seem that anybody is taking me seriously. As usual. It is not until everybody is covered in bees that they do. That's right. Covered in bees and running around. Then it's "Oh DrCrane! I'm covered in killer bees! What should I do?" I tell them they should roll around on the ground swatting at themselves until they expire. And then I move on to the next board.


If this truly is the story of your life, Dr Crane (and gormless as I am, I'm willing to take you at face value), then might it not be the case that you need to add some more skills to your armoury than a mere knowledge of killer bees? Political skills, or salesmanship at least, so that when you alert a board to the obvious dangers, they won't say "Who is this new weirdo and why should I care what he says when I could be whacking off to pics of the lovely but scary Beltene?", but rather "Well, I never thought about it before, but if someone as sensible as Dr. Crane is concerned, then clearly I should".

Also, you need a white coat. We demand white coats of our scientists, if we are to take them seriously. You might also perhaps look into developing some eccentric-looking tics.

Slan leat,

Dara

At what age does the answer to "I love you!" become "Creepy fucker"?

pablopicasso
(stardust savant)
11/18/04 08:12 AM
Re: Word to the wise new [re: Dara]  

Would the tics be able to fight the bees?

I fly to the nearest bar


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