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(grinning soul)
01/28/04 04:06 AM
UNCUT: Bad moves on the big screen (w/ spoilers)  


Never ever... be David Bowie
It's not all ha ha ha, hee hee hee, y'know...

Bald, thieving, car-sick, unwashed and somewhat slightly dazed nancy-boy alien David Bowie slips on a wig and nips to Earth to steal some of our Earth water, because he and his space wife have drunk their own planet dry. After pawning his wedding ring, he's on his way to funding his mission, making billions of dollars with his self-developing camera that allows people to make DIY porn. Unfortunately, while waiting to make enough to afford to build his huge intergalactic water tanker, Dave hooks up with nymphomaniac motel clerk Candy Clark, who doesn't mind that he doesn't have genitals so long as there's fruit around, and introduces him to our Earth pastimes of guzzling gin and watching telly. Thus addled, he's not sharp enough to avoid suspicious government doctors, who lock him away for years and slice his nipples with razors. By the time he gets out, it's too late to go home, and he's doomed to life as a strangely ageless pop star whose albums end up in the bargain bin soon after release.

Following a spot on war crime, maverick South African brother of a hunchback David Bowie is sent to a Japanese POW camp in Java, where he's unfortunate enough to have self-loathing commandant Ryuichi Sakamoto fall in love with him; maybe it's the androgynous, free-spirited rebel rebel flair with which Dave flouts camp regulations; maybe it's just the way he ponces around handing out flowers. Either way, Ryuichi's head over heels, but, being a repressed maniac, can't stand how pretty thing Davy makes him see forbidden colours. So, when Dave plants a big saucy kiss right on Ryuichi's lips, he has him buried up to his neck and left to die beneath a blazing sun.

When not attacking skaters, sharp-dressing Bauhaus fan David Bowie cruises New York discos with Catherine Deneuve, looking to pick up young punks, take them back to his apartment and suck them dry, like he does. Considering he's 300 years old, Dave's looking good, but when the first liver spots appear, he panics, and goes to see doctor Susan Sarandon. What with hospital waiting times, though, when Susie's finally ready for him, David's truly colossal age is showing and he's a wrinkled, crumbling, shambling, balding, weird-toothed old duffer. Taking one look at this grotesque spectacle, Catheine decides it's time to lock Dave away in a coffin in her attic, there to rot in living death for eternity.

Dapper, suspiciously tanned agent David Bowie comes flouncing into FBI headquarters in Philadelphia apparently unaware that he's been missing for three years. Letting everyone know that he's not going to be talking about Judy, he starts screaming like a baby about how he was taken to a meeting of scary monsters above a convenience store where people talked backwards about a Formica table and there was a kid with a big-nosed white mask, except it wasn't a kid, it was a monkey and we're all living in a dream. Then, before you can say "Oy Vey Baby, what in the fuck was Outside all about," he disappears.

Notable exception:
Labyrinth (1986)... Or maybe not.

DAMIEN LOVE (c) Uncut, February 2004

Fill the cup with these sleepy souls

tv eye
(stardust savant)
01/28/04 04:34 AM
Re: UNCUT: Bad moves on the big screen (w/ spoilers) new [re: svinepelz]  

what can i say... quite spot on.

basquiat would be my notable exception though.

(grinning soul)
01/28/04 04:06 PM
Re: UNCUT: Bad moves on the big screen (w/ spoiler new [re: svinepelz]  

it's a hard blow even into my face, 'pelz...

(electric tomato)
01/28/04 05:15 PM
WTF? new [re: svinepelz]  

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I'm pissed off. I love those movies--and David's performances in them.

TMWFTE--If you can't muster at least some level of compassion and sympathy upon watching David's portrayal of the brittle, lost Thomas Jerome Newton, you lack the small percentage of genes that separate humans from apes.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Lawrence--I love this movie. I remember seeing it in the theatre--in an advance release, actually, where they handed out little survey cards asking moviegoers questions about the film. I have David straight A's then, and I'd give him the same grade now. The film as a whole gets a B+ out of me, but David gets an A. I thought he was magnificent.

The Hunger--Pure 80s vanpire fun. And David was amazing. Watch the scene when he confronts Catherine Deneuve about his rapid aging and asks her who will now take his place as her lover when he dies. She tries to avoid the topic, ascending the stairs to get away from him. He stands at the bottom and the camera closes in on his tortured face as he screams "Miriam! What am I going to do?" There is such pain in his face. And I love how he changes his body language and carriage as his character ages (again, that mime training came in handy). Again, the film in general isn't worthy of great acclaim, but David's performance was very good.

Twin Peaks, Fire Walk With Me-- O.K., it is here that I cry uncle. In case you thought I'm one of them fans that loves all things David, here is my response. I hate this movie, and I hate David's performance in it as well. First, what the hell is he wearing? Second, what's with David Bowie doing a mock country-like accent? Good lord, this is true and utter rubbish--at least David is only in it for like 2 minutes, so his embarrassing performance at least isn't a LONG one! LOL

Labyrinth--This is a nice film. People forget that it's a children's film. I am not a Jim Henson fan. I am not a muppet fan. I am not generally a fan of fantasy storytelling. But I am a David Bowie fan (duh?) and he is the reason I like this film. He portrays the Goblin King with such melancholy. He's the bad guy, right, but you feel for him. You get the sense that he's only bad because he's lonely or otherwise sadly twisted, and not because he is truly evil. And when Sarah turns him down and we see his disappointment in slow motion on his face, I feel so hurt. David was lovely in this--not to mention the sexiest thing in tights I've ever seen!

Uncut is wrong, I tell you, dead wrong! I hope David acts some more in the future--not to the extent that he puts music on the back burner, but an occasional cameo or small role would be nice. I like his movies.


(grinning soul)
01/28/04 06:17 PM
Re: UNCUT: Bad moves on the big screen (w/ spoilers) new [re: svinepelz]  

you forgot one: his brief appearance in 'Into the Night" forget the fact that he looks dorky with a mustache and can't hold a handgun very convincingly, his performance as a maniac assassin just sucks for lack of a better word. great for saturday night live but just not convincing enough for a dramatic movie. i wouldn't bother watching it to see if i'm right if i were you. well, you can but i'm not responsible for the consequences.

when being chased by a shark it's not how fast you swim but how much faster your swimming than the person next to you.

(crash course raver)
01/28/04 07:02 PM
Re: UNCUT: Bad moves on the big screen (w/ spoilers) new [re: svinepelz]  

Well your avatar matches your wit!,So you consider Thomas Jerome Newton to be a "Nancy Boy"?lol,Just exactly what century do you come from?.I really never expected that kind of childish,ignorant talk on here.Grow up idiot.

London Bye Ta-Ta...

(electric tomato)
01/28/04 09:46 PM
Re: UNCUT: Bad moves on the big screen (w/ spoilers) new [re: laughbritish]  

In reply to:

you forgot one: his brief appearance in 'Into the Night"....great for saturday night live but just not convincing enough for a dramatic movie

That was a dramatic movie? I thought it was supposed to be a sort of comedy. Maybe I'm lucky I wasn't really paying attention when it was on.

And let's not forget Zoolander, Mr. Rice's Secret, Absolute Beginners (which is worth watching just to see Bowie dance on a giant typewriter) and The Linguini Incident (The greatest movie ever....with Rosanna Arquette in it)

"That's just, like, your opinion, man."

01/28/04 09:47 PM
Re: UNCUT: Bad moves on the big screen (w/ spoilers) new [re: svinepelz]  

I really, really enjoyed Bowie's performance in Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence. That said, I really haven't seen much else (on here, at least). Nonetheless, I really think he makes a far more appropriate actor than most musicians.

(electric tomato)
01/28/04 09:53 PM
Re: UNCUT: Bad moves on the big screen (w/ spoilers) new [re: diamondogz74]  

Hmmm . . . is this svinepelz's words, or is this from a review in Uncut? Now I'm confused. I don't think svinepelz is the "idiot" though. I think it's the Uncut writer.


(stardust savant)
01/28/04 10:13 PM
you are a prize idiot new [re: zigbot]  

In reply to:

I love those movies--and David's performances in them

The article is about why you wouldn't want to be David's character in the films since so much shit happens to them.

In reply to:

In case you thought I'm one of them fans that loves all things David, here is my response. I hate this movie

I certainly don't love all things David, but this is one of the greatest films of all time.

Silence Is The Voice Of Complicity

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