Well, this seems to have less and less to do with Labyrinth, but you are still smack in the middle of fantasyland, my old mate:

"Yes, it's not right. Sex should be about... feelings, emotions, not about getting drunk at parties", Michael preached, with all the passion of your average 14-year-old who believes he's already solved all the mysteries of the world.

If O. Henry were writing this, it would turn out that Michael would develop some weird fear of sexual intimacy and Sarah would become a porn star, and Michael would attend all of her films on opening night at the sticky Bijou until management banned him for rocking back and forth in his seat wailing and crying for the opportunies lost.

But Henry ain't writing this, and in any event, it's Lab-fi -- you know, "I saw my baby, crying hard as babe could cry...what could I do?" etc., etc.

The bit about the babe Toby witnessing a bj was the most bizarre and tasteless cliffhanger conceivable. Congratulations.

I strive to be brief, and I become obscure. ~Horace~