The Moon slowly orbited the Earth (from the Earth's perspective) and pondered what Iggy Pop had told it.
Pop had informed the moon that whenever Father McKenzie got upset he'd try and eat Mt Everest with a teaspoon in five hours, it being a secret dream of his since childhood. That the evil people now unleashed upon Earth would burn all musical instruments, paying particular attention to bass guitars. That this would upset McKenzie. That McKenzie would persuade anyone he was with that eating Mt Everest would solve all their problems.
The Moon's job was to "accidentally" fall on Mt Everest when McKenzie started eating it. Thereby squashing him. This would mean McKenzie would be too squashed to thwart his plans. And he'd have moondust in his eyes making it hard to see.
It would also mean that the tallest mountain on the Earth would become...the Moon. Everyone would want to climb the moon then. The moon would once again be popular!
The moon was about to fall into place.
For years scientists had believed that when the moon hit your eye like a big pizza pie, then amore would result. Unfortunately this untested theory was flawed, for when the moon hit your eye like a big pizza pie, temporary blindness was a much more likely outcome.
David Bowie's little daughter was screaming out of the sky in flames. All around her a fantastic air battle raged. Hermoine had taken down 17 fighter jets, but now she too was going down.
Truth be told, despite meeting the love of her life David Bowie, making love to Mick Jagger and being involved in a titanic battle she was bored. It seemed like her life was just a case of the same old thing day after day. She daydreamed a little, struggling to control her flaming Harrier Jet.
She remembered an advertisement she saw late last night while eating a bag of cheezles. Lonely? Alone? Looking for Friendship? Call 1200-679-054 where plenty of like-minded good-looking fun people are waiting to talk to you!
She dug out her mobile phone and dialled the number while veering out of the way of an exploding enemy plane. She saw that little Alex had nearly hit the ground and made a mental note.
After going through the motions of pressing this and that, as instructed by the prompts of the operator, she eventually got through to a good-looking like-minded individual that was waiting to talk to her.
"Listen lady! I'm burning up. I've been hit with a couple of guided missiles. I'm gonna hit the ground any moment. I can only talk for a bit."
"Alex? Is that you?"
"Yeah yeah, what a coincidence, small world and all that shit. I'm gonna hit the ground really really soon now. Any second."
"So, what've you been up to lately?"
"Oh you know. Apple Custard. Dribbling. Fouling myself. The usual baby crap."
"Yeah. Used to do quite a bit of that when I was a baby."
"Listen. If the phone cuts out, it means I hit the ground. Which is gonna happen any moment now I swear."
"Are you just saying that 'cause you don't wanna talk with me?"
"No I swear it's true. It's really close now. Really close. Gonna hit."
"This isn't a Playstation 2! This is an X-Box!"
John Lennon's plan was hanging by thread. Iggy Pop grabbed it, snapped it off it's thread and started to read it.
Everything had gone perfect up to this point. Iggy had been fooled by the glue-on beard. Nyar had departed this universe. The itch cream was soothing John's sand-fly bite. But now.
"You see John, I was nearly fooled. But you had two fatal flaws always working against you. The first was your famous inability to distinquish one game system from another. The second was your forgetting to remind Gus of the danger of chicken bones."
Lennon gasped. The beard hadn't fooled him! His sand-fly bite was once more irritating him! He'd forgotten the love Gus had for eating chicken bones!
Iggy continued to read.
"Oh and you see here where you forgot to carry the 1? And look, over here you mistook Robert Downey Jnr for Rob Lowe. On page 39 diagram 1a is mislabelled."
John slumped into his beanbag.
"Now where's my Playstation 2?" Iggy asked.
"LIES! It was all lies Iggy. I faked my own death in 1980 to work full-time on my plan to thwart your plans. But I wasted it all watching TV and playing scrabble with Yoko. You see, I always had so much time to do it, that I kept on putting it off. What you're reading...I just threw that together at the last minute."
"Also, your fake beard. You're supposed to stick it to your chin, not your forehead." mentioned the evil Pop man.
"And the itch cream. You needed to use anti-itch cream. Itch cream just makes it itch more."
"Hanging your plan by a thead just inside your front door was also a mistake."
TO BE CONTINUED...
I hate coffee