CHAPTER 84

The eating of Mt Everest was running slightly behind schedule. It had taken a while to get the mountain over by the Seven-Eleven to start with. To do this McKenzie had to call Muhummed's Mountain Movers, despite the dubious spelling of Muhummed, and they charged by the gram, not the hour.

McKenzie was in fact still chewing on his first spoonful of mountain after nearly 2 hours. Reale was getting worried, the bass guitar playing priest had in fact swallowed more broken teeth than mountain so far and they were nearly half-way through their 5 hour time limit.

"Are you sure eating Mt Everest with a teaspoon in under 5 hours will solve our problems? I'm starting to think I've been duped."

"Have faith!" said Father McKenzie, spitting out another tooth. "Only 368,655,786,900,236 spoonfuls to go! I'm gonna get there!"

"Shouldn't we have cooked it first? I mean...raw mountain? I have some tabasco sauce if you need it."

The conversation was interrupted by a cry from down the mountain, "LOOK OUT! THE MOON!"

Both Reale and McKenzie looked up in unison. Sure enough the Moon was hurtling towards them at great speed, getting bigger by the second (from our point of view). It seemed to be coming straight for them.

It was at the same time terrifying and awfully romantic.

CHAPTER 85

Mick Jagger had come to a depressing conclusion. Shortly after arriving at Bowie's hotel room to find him missing it dawned on him.

Mick was totally superfluous to this story.

Sure he had freakishly large lips and a freakishly large libido, which in human terms is the genetical jackpot, but as far as this story was concerned he had absolutely no purpose left.

He went home, fed the furious cat, and designed a universe destroying machine. He set the universe destroying machine to go off in 30 seconds, and then disarmed it by banging it with a hammer repeatedly.

"There you go," he thought, "saved the Universe."

It was a pretty poor attempt to outdo all the other characters, and he knew it.

CHAPTER 86

"Shit! I can see the ground really clearly! At the speed I'm travelling at I'm going to hit it really really soon!"

Little Alex had broken the sound barrier, the touch barrier, the taste barrier and had now well and truly smashed the stupidity barrier. The baby was glowing white hot as she hurtled towards the ground, which could only have been inches away by now.

Meanwhile Hermoine's Harrier Jet had lost both of it's wings - which are important to jets. She stayed on the line with Alex, because she was a like-minded individual who was looking for fun times.

"Do you like sugar on your pancakes?"

"Goddam Lady! I'm a baby for Christ's Sake! I suck boobs and I eat mush. At the moment one of my fathers, who is the key to the existence of all the universes, is in trouble. I'm flying towards the ground which isn't too far away now. Iggy Pop is looking to invade our entire galaxy starting with Earth. It looks like the Moon is about to crash into our planet anyway! Evil minions from another dimension are plotting a new age of darkness. I fouled my diapers again! And you want to know if I like sugar on my pancakes?"

"I'll take that as a no."

"You'll take that as a no? FUCK YOU LADY! YOU CAN KISS MY ROSY RED BABY ASS! I'M GOING TO HIT THE GROUND SO SOON I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT!"

{The Author wishes to apologise for Alexandria's potty mouth. I know the potential end of the Universe could be used as an excuse, but that easy option won't be taken. Instead the "Don't you wonder what babies are thinking?" clause will be invoked, whereby we assume that babies are so annoyed with things that they constantly swear in their head.}

"Alex. I can understand that you are under some stress, and that you are going through a tough time with teething and rashes, but that's no excuse to ask me to kiss your rosy red baby ass."

"Any second!"

"And you can cut that out too."

"I'm so close I can count individual grains of sand lady!"

"And that means you can hurt my feelings? Let me tell you something..."

TO BE CONTINUED...

I hate coffee