CHAPTER 87

The lady with the mustache and the overweight cat, which was actually a fake dog, which was actually David Bowie's dead body, could not help but notice the commotion going on in the compartment just in front of hers.

A conductor burst through the door leading to her compartment, leaving a mess everywhere. Just moments later another conductor, who this time actually opened the door, rushed in and screamed to all the passengers, "Some guy just lost the last page of his book!"

And so the panic spread. Most people's reaction was to set themselves on fire, which is quite understandable. As the flames spread from seat to seat, and ruined perfectly good train curtains, the mustache lady was distracted by the woman next to her. The woman had earlobes the size of watermelons and wore 4,600 ear-rings.

"Listen very carefully, for I'll be annoyed if I have to repeat myself," said the ear-lobe lady, "Doo-Bup, Doopdoopdoopdoopdoopdoopdopdoop Doo-Bup! Fashion!"

Mustache lady sighed. "Just gimme the page already."

Earlobe lady was shocked. "You understand the doo-bup langauge?"

"JoooBup! dupdupdupdupdupdupdupdup BooooBuP! Fashion!"

"My Bowie! You do!"

"Beep! Beep!"

"Turn to the left!"

Mustache lady turned to the left and noticed a field of cows. She thanked Earlobe lady, for such distractions are valuable on long boring train rides. She also noticed that Earlobe lady had shoved something that felt suspiciously like a page out of a book down the back of her jumper.

"Was that really neccesary?" She asked.

"You can't see the page, if a mere mortal looks apon the final page of the holy book the entire universe will cease to exist, and will never have existed."

Amongst the screaming, flames and soft musak they shared a knowing glance. The conductor came on by to check their tickets, his eyes widening as he noticed the page-like piece of paper sticking out the back of her jumper.

"That looks awfully like the last page of a book!"

The Mustache Lady and Earlobe Lady just looked at each other, turned to the conductor and shouted "Turn to the Right!"

CHAPTER 88

Reale strained and puffed as he held the Moon up with his hands. He'd caught the Moon in the nick of time, but was finding it pretty heavy. He looked into McKenzie's eyes fiercly.

"Run you fool! I can't hold the Moon up much longer! Forget Everest and run!"

McKenzie hesitated. How many times had he fantasised about eating the Moon with only a pair of chopsticks? At least three times. What was more important? His dreams or the continued existence of existence?

"Reale, I don't know what to say." said McKenzie. "Oh Reale, you beautiful, wonderful man. You are going to give us all a chance. Reale, it's going to take weeks before I forget about you. You'll be talked about for days."

Reale was struggling. He'd just broken the hernia world record, weightlifting record, and annoyance world record all together. "Go Father! And may my sacrafice not be in vain!"

McKenzie got his socks and needle out, and started running like crap. He wasn't far down the mountain before Reale's strength gave out and the Moon squashed him. "Ow! I'm squashed!" he managed to gasp before he managed one last world shattering glare.

Now all McKenzie had to do was outrun the Moon, which was rolling down the mountain towards him. Steven Spielberg and George Lucas should not to their lawyers that the scene looked just different enough to give the author a 70% chance of winning the ensuing lawsuit.

CHAPTER 89

Iggy Pop was getting more irritated by the minute.

"What do you mean the last train the the Bahamas has already left?" he asked.

"By that I mean the train actually departed at a time which is in fact earlier than the time you asked me if you'd missed the last train to the Bahamas." he was told curtly by the man at the ticket office.

"Well...what about the second-last train to the Bahamas?"

"Surprisingly, you still have time to catch that one, it's right behind you, but you'll have to put some clothes on and stop pouting."

Iggy ignored the ticket man. The person he did pay attention to however was the conductor guarding the entrance to the train.

"Is that David Bowie's dead body? Sorry, David Bowie's dead body is not allowed on this train."

"No No No," said Iggy, "this is John Lennon's dead body."

"I thought it smelled a bit more like John Lennon's dead body. Ok. And what do you have there? That isn't the meaning of life typed on 14 A4 pages in a shoebox is it? If it is, you'll have to sign this form promising not to take over this planet at the risk of destroying the universe."

"I refuse to sign this form!" said Iggy huffishly.

The conductor sighed. "Ok, this means you'll have to fill out this yellow form, and these three blue forms."

This prompted Iggy to throw a tantrum, he poked his tongue out, huffed some more, and did a childlike spastic dance.

"Right! If you do that spastic dance once more I'll be left with no option but to fill out these 8 green forms! And believe me, you don't want me to do that."

Iggy stopped his tantrum, and tried to bargain with the conductor.

"Look, how about if I sign a form promising that I might not take over Earth at the risk of destroying the universe?"

"The pink W-456X form? Sorry, we're fresh out of those ones."

There followed another 28 minutes of discussion and wrangling until Iggy just decided to bribe the conductor with some chicken bones.

"You sure these are safe to eat?" asked the conductor.

"Sure. Go for it." shouted Iggy out the window as the train pulled away. There was nothing he wouldn't stoop to now he was so close to his ultimate goal.

TO BE CONTINUED...

I hate coffee