Yeah, I was iffy on the ne'er, but I tried loads of other words and I just did not like the way anything else sounded. I was thinking the word usage might be justified because I'm talking of archaic things throughout the poem, but it probably just comes off as pretentious. I'll probably change that.
Anyway, thank you for the encouragement. It is much appreciated.
"as though a chest-full of diamonds had been scattered all over"
This certainly sounds better to me. Though, I'm afraid I'm in love with your original description and nothing about the diamonds will please me now.
The Cyborgia vignette is incredibly inventive, and there's an elegance in your manner of describing the factory that doesn't seem as forced as Jem's. Then again, this makes sense as you said you can't really identify with the character.
Of course, it's not to say the story's description is bad, it works rather nicely.. I just think your personal version is quite clever, in particular.
"we went to pizza hut after school and lived the rockstar life for the first time that day." - 13athroom