You know, originally, I thought I had nothing to contribute, and that there'd be no reason to let me on.

But, seeing the applicants, I think I've come up with an angle.

I can help a vast quantity of you feel better about yourselves, and serve as an ego-stroker/therapist/groupie! I have experience, I swear. I can provide references.

I can converse about VG and Oscar Wilde and Neil Gaiman and Derrida with SPF, so that all her book learnin' will find an outlet, and so that the rest of you won't be deluged with random outbursts of literary theory and Foucault fangirl-ism (it can happen!).

In reply to:

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JonnyManic: On the other hand, I'm brilliant.

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I shall follow Jonny around and obligingly agree with him on how brilliant he is, even though we might never agree on Nicole Kidman's acting ability. But I'm willing to be his slut!

I can entertain Eraserhead with my Jesus-love, so that he doesn't drive the rest of you crazy with his messiah complex. I can even pretend to be the Virgin Mary for him, if he's into that kinky shit.

I can make sure that Greg doesn't slip from that entertaining and useful pretty-pouty-philosophical-angst into a dull log who's curled up all alone in a corner. And I can counsel him on various mental, social, and sexual health matters.

I can do the same for RabbitFighter, and make sure he doesn't turn homicidal on yo' asses. I'm willing to take on everybody's problems!

In short, I have nothing to offer by myself, but I have services to offer to others among you, to make sure you can be your very best. And I don't eat much. I'm not too much into the sex thing, but I have no gender preferences if it comes down to that, so no-one has to be lonely. And I love kids and would like to take them off your hands for you, if you're a breeder but not a keeper.

One thing though, I'd like to put a vote for JarethsGirl to be on the spaceship. 'Cause if I'm accepted, I'm gonna need her to entertain me once in a while!

I need a new signature.