My qualities are too abundant to list individually, so here are the main points. (I’ll assume turning stones into loaves of bread is taken for granted.)


- I'm a trained astronaut. Yeah, I haven't mentioned this before, largely because I've always thought of this as something of a false career move, but it's true that I undertook an expansive training course in the mid-90s for such an actuality. If verification is required, I can produce my astronaut diploma, issued by Daniel Goldin himself, former Head of NASA! If you're going to be lumbered up in a spaceship during the holocaust, you'll need someone to fly the damn thing.

- I entertain children at kiddies parties. Please bear in mind that the neutralizing of a nuclear holocaust make take up to 50 years to complete, which makes the spaceship journey long and tedious. As well as seasoned favourites such as Musical Chairs, I know over 50 different card games. I’m more than willing to volunteer blowing up condoms for party balloons.

- I know my vacuum cleaner intimately. Put simply, few can boast my level of experience of having sex in zero gravity.

- As certain TWers can corroborate, my knowledge of geography is quite staggering, allowing for the smoothest possible reintroduction with planet Earth. As well as being able to name a handful of major continents, I’m also able to differentiate between sea and land; a useful trait, I’m sure you’ll agree, when it comes to choosing a suitable settlement.

- The long-term planning of safe housing and transport is essential for humankind's survival. Financing and the distribution of teamwork will require expert planning. However, having completed SimCity on no fewer than five occasions, I have proven that I'm perfectly capable of administrating this.

- If you want loyalty and dependability on your side, look no further. As long as I'm in agreement with you, I will backstab anyone and everyone to propel myself to the top!

I knew you’d be convinced. Now, far be it for me to judge other people and influence the final decision, but of all entries so far I think eraserhead’s is by far the worst. Not only does he take a contemptible liberty of listing the best attributes of Iggy Pop and ascribing them to himself, but in over a month’s absence from the boards we learn that he hasn’t been immersing himself in education or a true spiritual awakening, but compiling items for an Iggy Pop Wardrobe! Much as it pains me to displace eraserhead, it’s my duty to raise the question: ‘Is this really the kind of person you would welcome onto your planet?’ You know if you come on the spaceship, eraserhead, there’ll be no room for Mimi!


Fifteen jugglers, Fifteen jugglers
Five believers, Five believers
All dressed like men