In reply to:
2. All men are expected to provide jizz, no exceptions. If you're shooting blanks, you're not coming with. However, no man without something else to add, will be considered.
I think it's time to throw my hat into the ring. With all due respect to my fellow male TWers, judging by this thread so far, it strikes me that there's going to be an awful lot of sexually frustrated females on board. It's quite obvious that Tristan, for example, having been starved of the female form for so long would become far too easily excitable at the merest flash of a bare ankle. Besides, our escape into space from Armageddon might be doomed to failure from the very outset by Tristan's unfeasibly large testicles weighing down our TW spaceship. With Strawman similarly aged and decrepit and JonnyManic favouring relationships with lanolin-rich farmyard animals the future looks very bleak indeed.
But what of my qualities? As we all know, the English are renowned as passionate lovers, easily putting the Italians and French to shame, and I come from the same brooding stock that produced the likes of Mr D'Arcy, albeit with a slight beer belly. I'm also fortunate in that I come from a fine gene pool that has blessed me with high cheekbones, firm thighs and a natural ease in public showers.
I've proved that I can fire live rounds by fathering two healthy, beautiful daughters and more importantly, I sacrificed a promising career as a gurner of some repute by staying at home and raising my children from infancy to school age. Also, as well as satisfying the breeder corps, my genitals offer entertainment of a very different kind. There's the housewives favourite "The White-Eared Elephant" or the intensely moving experience of "Sausage on a Plate" and "The Last Turkey in the Shop", while who can fail to be less than impressed by "Groucho Marx".*
On a journey potentially fraught with danger, it's possible that on our enforced absence from Earth we'd encounter other life forms. As a dab hand at Halo on the Xbox, I'd be ideally skilled to zap any pissed-off extra terrestrials. Should they wish to parley, however, with tact and diplomacy being the order of the day, what better way is there to break language and cultural barriers than through the universal humour of "The White-Eared Elephant" et al, thereby single-handedly preserving the breeder corps and with it the very survival of Earth itself.
*Available for bar mitzvahs, childrens parties and funerals etc. Half-price in the winter. "Standing To Attention For The National Anthem" optional.
What do I say to normal people?