EPISODE 1: The Trouble With Evil
(NOTE: Somehow, some way, David Bowie ends up in the Oz Lounge; he meets up with Starluck.)
Sitting rather calmly at a table, silently smoking a cigarette, sat the ever enchanting David Bowie with a look that would turn any Bowiephillic teenager into putty. The lighting was soft and blue, the music was a saxophone played by a strangely familiar man whose features were hidden in the shadows. At another end, the silouhette of a strangely familiar man danced behind a linen sheet.
Starluck walked in rather abruptly but the music continued. She was dressed in a sky-blue space-suit that it form-fitted and skin-tight, she also wore her patented cobalt blue arse-kicking boots. Her features weren't anything out of the ordinary, in fact the only peculiar thing about her was the way she loved to use black eye-liner and the faint sweet smell of her perfume filled the air.
"Okay, Bowie, I've had it up to here with your bouncing about station to station," she gestured to her forehead. "And I suppose you're off to another gig?"
The cigarette smoke danced gently in an unseen atmosphere as he spoke, "Who the hell are you? And why does that line feel like I've said it before?"
Starluck gave a look and continued, "I saw you at the station and I knew it was you."
"How can you be so sure?" Bowie removed the cigarette from his lips and rolled it about with his index finger and thumb. He gave an attractive grin.
"If I wasn't sure, how could I have found you here?" she put a hand to her hip.
Bowie glanced behind her for a moment and saw a rather large space-ship steaming out in the parking lot. "Is, er," Bowie looked up at her, "that your rocket?"
"Yeah, why?" Starluck gave a suspicious look.
"Well, I'll tell you what," Bowie put the cigarette back in his mouth and leaned up against the table. "You give me the rocket and you can have me."
"Say, what?!" Starluck nearly choked her words. "You've got to be joking!"
"No, I mean it! You give me the rocket and you can have me," he pointed to the saxophone player. "Take me, I'm right over there!"
Starluck is completely dumb-founded and furrowed her brow. She turned around and walked up to the saxophone player. As she came closer to the man who seemingly took no notice of her, she made out his face and suddenly the features came together clearly. She screamed.
"Good grace! What the hell is this?!" she looked to the Bowie at the table and looked back to the Bowie playing the saxophone.
"That's me!" Bowie laughed, "And the guy behind the sheet is me as well."
Starluck ran to the sheet and tore it away to reveal another Bowie who stopped in mid-dance. This one wore only a pair of boxers with little hearts on them. Starluck didn't know whether to laugh or to scream.
"Okay, Bowie, the jokes over, are these guys real?" Starluck looked to the Bowie at the table.
"What are you talking about, Starluck?" the Bowie at the saxophone said.
"Don't you like me anymore?" the Bowie in the boxers asked.
Starluck felt as if she was in a strange dream. Had it been a dream, she might have been more delighted than frightened.
"Wait, that means if I give you the rocket, I can get one of these cheap clones, right?" she asked the Bowie at the table.
"Cheap?!" the Bowie in the boxers protested, "Well, I admit the boxers were a bit much, but I'm NOT cheap!"
Starluck thought it best to call her friend Alys at the pay-phone behind the bar. The three Bowies continue in their original fashion as she explained the details to a skeptic Alys. When Alys arrived, she smiled at Bowie - and Bowie and Bowie!!......
Alys smiled sweetly at Bowie. Her smile turned into an impish grin as she thought. She laughed.
"I have a very good idea that will solve all this," she said softly.
Starluck perked up noticeably.
"But first," Alys added, "You *have* to get rid of all these clones. Though, the boxer shorts with hearts are cute..."
Bowie laughed and waved a hand. The clones disappeared. "So," he says, "what is your plan, Alys?"
Alys gestured to Starluck, who floated over. She whispered into Starluck's ear.
Bowie looked perplexed as he watched the two whisper to each other.
"Don't you know that it's impolite to tell secrets in company?" he asked. Alys laughed again.
"Don't you know that it's bad to smoke?" she retorted jokingly. Bowie smiled wryly.
"all right, all right, you've got me there," he conceded. Alys motioned to Starluck almost imperceptibly. Starluck nodded. They rushed upon Bowie as he began to light another cigarette, and between the two of them, they were able to overpower him and carry him to Starluck's rocket ship.
"What are you doing?" Bowie asked, his eyes widening.
"We're taking you to the planet FROG," Starluck answered, smiling. Alys nodded.
"There, we will be able to enjoy you to our hearts content,....without anyone else around to bug us, or to take you away," Alys continued.
"I'm taking you....." Bowie began, with a devilish grin on his face, "to take myself and my wife Iman to the gorgeous resort of Marae in the Andromeda Galaxy. You see, my little urchins, that my alien contacts in the Andromeda Galaxy have assured me that it is *the* place to go. And, you have just assured me of a free ride there. We leave to pick up Iman at once."
Alys began to cackle, disregarding the ray gun that Bowie was brandishing at them.
"That is the funniest thing that I've heard in years!" she exclaimed. "I always wondered whether you were in concert with aliens, and I guess that I finally got my answer." Bowie looked at her strangely.
"You two urchins are completely bonkers," he stated, motioning towards them with the ray gun. "Let's go."
"Keep your 'lectric eye on me babe," Starluck sang under her breath as they made their way to her rocketship.
"Put your raygun to my head..." Alys continued. They burst out laughing. Bowie looked perplexed. He sighed.
"It's amazing what fans will do," he remarked. "O.K. urchins, let's go." He gestured for them to get into the rocketship. He followed and settled himself in one chair.
"Iman's in Switzerland right now, with my handsome son Duncan," Bowie said. "Let's get moving!"
Starluck started the rocketship, and they soon moved away, blasting into light speed. But, a plan was forming in her head, and she silently communicated with Alys, using telepathy to avoid being detected by the keen ears of Bowie.
The two telepathically conversed their sinister plan to BRAINWASH our villain/hero (????) as he led them on with a ray gun (or so he thought!). As soon as they entered the ship, the door slammed and locked behind him and Alys and Starluck burst out laughing.
"What the hell is so funny?!" Bowie waved the ray gun.
"You twit," Starluck wiped a tear from her eye from laughing so hard, "that's the watergun I won as a doorprize at the Annual Space-Poets Convention last summer!"
Alys gave her a baffled look, "Space-poets? How come I wasn't invited??"
"I tried asking for another invitation," Starluck explained, "but they didn't want to cooperate. They said Earth wasn't a priority. I tried to argue but they threatened to invite William Shatner to prove their point!"
"Well," Alys said, "I'll make sure they invite me the NEXT summer."
Bowie looked on, not knowing whether to cry or be angry.
"You mean to tell me I'm stuck on this ship en route to FROG!?" Bowie whined.
"Yep," Starluck gave an impish grin as she strapped on her cobalt blue helmet and handed a Technicolor red helmet to Alys.
"Here, Alys," Starluck said, "put this on. With these helmets you can do almost anything! It's got night-vision, am/fm radio, 3-D star charts, and it looks cool during Halloween!"
Bowie boggled as Alys and Starluck climbed into the cockpit and Starluck started up the hyper-active engines.
Alys took charge of the computer as Starluck navigated.
"Engines go," said Starluck.
"All existing coordinates en route to FROG have been locked," Alys said.
They spouted out technical jargon for a few minutes as Bowie sulked, whined, and brooded in the back. He tried kicking a wall now and then, but it was of little use.
"Gads!" Bowie lit another cigarette. "You both talk as if you KNEW what you were talking about."
"Actually," Starluck pointed to a joystick, "if you've ever played a flight simulator game, it's a piece of cake."
"And besides that," Alys laughed, "we are in control of this story!"
All of a sudden, a thought struck Starluck.....THWACK!.....
They telepathically conversed, yet again, and sinister soup was brewing once again. Off they flew to FROG where they would rinse Bowie's brain out with diluted DRAIN-O (to get the those stubborn memories out).
Bowie sat in the corner for misbehaving and his cigarettes were taken away to avoid a fire.
"Stupid ragamuffins!" Bowie sulked.
Bowie continued to sulk in the back. Alys watched him from the corner of her eye. She shook her head in disbelief. It will be a good thing that we brainwash him when we get to FROG, she thought. He's far too attached to Iman, and that'll lead to no good. She flipped up the visor on her helmet.
Starluck tossed Bowie a Walkman.
"Here Rock God," she said, "listen to some music. Maybe it will get your mind off your silly wife." Bowie frowned. He did take the Walkman, and listen to it. He tore it off within a few seconds.
"AAAH! How could you give me music by ANGIE!!" he screamed in horror.
Starluck cackled. Alys smirked. She tossed him a cassette.
"I can't blame you, dearie," she said with a laugh. "Angie's stuff is pretty horrible.....She definitely didn't learn anything from your ten year marriage!"
Bowie popped the other cassette into the Walkman. This time, his own voice filled his head. It was his WORST album ever, Never Let Me Down. He threw the Walkman across the compartment.
"Can you only torment me, you silly guttersnipes?" he asked malevolently.
"Get a new word David," she said. "Guttersnipes is starting to get a bit old now." She tossed the thesaurus back to him.
"Now, don't hit yourself, or we'll start tormenting you with more of Angie's music," she threatened.
Just then, the ship began to flail wildly. Alys swore.
Starluck, through emotional communication, made the computer put on some music to help them keep in control, but by accident it cued the "Gilligan's Island" theme song.
"Just sit right back and you'll here a tale, a tale of this fateful trip, that started from this tropic port aboard this tiny ship......"
"AACK!" Starluck kicked the speaker, but in vain as the song carried on and the ship spun around in a strange vortex.
".....The mate was a mighty sailin' man, the skipper brave and sure, five passengers set sail that day for a three hour tour, a three hour tour...."
As the sound effects for lightning roared through the hull of the ship, it rocked and swiveled into a very COLORFUL vortex. Starluck struggled to keep in control as Alys went back to sedate Bowie with a drugged cookie.
".....The weather started getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed, if not for the courage of the fearless crew, The Minnow would be lost, The Minnow would be lost....."
"Damned song!" Starluck grit her teeth as she wrestled with a stubborn joystick.
Alys came back as Bowie slouched dead asleep in a sofa.
"Whew!" Alys said, "Thank goodness he liked chocolate chip."
"......The ship took ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle, with Gilligan.....The skipper, too....A millionaire and his wife.....A movie star.....The Professor and Mary Anne here on Gilligan's Iiiiiiiiiiiiisle!...."
"What is that horrible tune??" Alys exclaimed.
"Whenever the ship senses panic, it plays something to help you keep calm, but the damn thing GOOFED and started playing a theme song!"
Starluck growled as she twisted the joystick, still trying to win control. The space-ship finally popped out of the vortex and sitting before them was not planet FROG, but the strangest planet they had ever set eyes on - PLANET X!!
Planet X was REAL! Hovering in a star-lit void was the most enormous planet anyone had ever seen. The ship was caught by a tractor beam projected from within Planet X. Starluck had no choice but to let them take control.
As they entered the atmosphere, the computer did its computer thing and read out whether or not the air was breathe-able. Sure enough, the atmosphere was exactly like Earth's (yes, it was THAT bad!). From their altitude, all to be seen was a sphere of a vast mirror city with skyscrapers of mirror-tinted glass and not a car in sight. There were no visible forms of life to be seen, but the computer said it was TEAMING.
As they landed, it seemed as if they were being expected. A tiny sign by the lot read, "Reserved For David Bowie".
Alys and Starluck boggled for a moment as they cockpit door automatically opened. Hesitantly, Alys and Starluck walked out dragging a rather sleepy David Bowie with them.
"Wha-?," Bowie wiped the cookie crumbs from his face as he came to, but he had no memories of Iman.
The cookie had been dipped in Starluck's patented ERASO-MAX, a drug that would selectively erase only a certain part of your memory no one else wanted you to recall. Starluck had simply programmed the drug to remove the Iman bit from his brain. For all Bowie knew, he had been single and planned to stay that way.
"Calm yourself, Bowie," Alys reassured, "apparently, our alien friends had been expecting you."
"Aliens?!" Bowie stopped in his tracks, "No, no, no! NO aliens!! The last time I was abducted I woke up married!"
Before they could question that, a welcoming party of little pink humanoid RABBITS came to greet them.
"All hail David Bowie!!!!".......
EPISODE TWO: "Freak Out on a Moonage Daydream...."
One pink rabbit came closer. It was dressed in some sort of Technicolor green cape, with a matching hat. Bowie looked at it strangely, as if it reminded him of something.
"Probably reminds him of some of the outfits his wife Iman used to wear," Alys remarked quietly to Starluck. Starluck giggled, then stopped, as the rabbit began to speak.
"Welcome to Planet X," the rabbit said, in a typical squeaky rabbit voice. His nose twitched incessantly.
"I am Rodriguez, the King of this planet, but no more, for the true king has arrived." The rabbit king bowed deeply before Bowie, who just stood there in shock. He was speechless. Starluck urged him to say something.
"I won't end up married from this encounter, will I?" Bowie asked Starluck quietly. Starluck shook her head.
"Not if they adore you this much," she said. Alys smiled suddenly, as Bowie went to address the pink rabbits.
"They wouldn't marry him to one of them," she said to Starluck, a gleam in her eye.
"Then, would they marry him at all?" Starluck asked, wondering what Alys was getting at. Alys laughed.
"Of course they would! It's to be expected. Think of history, Starluck! How many kings do you think weren't married?? Bowie will be expected to marry, and have an heir to the kingdom!" Starluck shook her head.
"I think that you may have been reading too many romance novels," she said, with a giggle. Alys shook her head.
"I stopped reading those two years ago!" she said indignantly.
"But, my point is, Bowie will be married to someone, so *why not* one of us?"
Starluck grew silent as she thought.
"That would be incredible," she replied. "Now, all we need to do is talk to Mr. Rabbit King, who is no longer king, about it!" Alys thought for a moment.
"Starluck, did that cookie erase all memories of Angie??" she asked suddenly. Starluck shook her head.
"That one was just planned to remove his memory of Iman," she said. Alys sighed.
"But what if he doesn't *want* to get married again- I mean, after Angie, I wouldn't blame him one bit!" Starluck handed Bowie one more cookie and he ate it nervously.
"I'll do the talking," Starluck reassured Bowie as she walked up to the Bunny King.
"Oh, Wise Rodent-Like One," she began, "we bring you good tidings. It is a custom where your King is from to marry in order to continue the line. Thus, he must marry into his OWN species, but the problem is that there are TWO of us he has to choose from."
The Bunny King twitched his little pink nose in thought, and replied, "Well, on our planet, we are permitted to marry TWO wives. So, we've got ourselves a PERFECT wedding!"
Alys and Starluck boggled for a moment.
"Whoa! Is this legal?!" Starluck tried to hold back her giggles.
"I don't know," Alys replied, wide-eyed. "I think we'd insult them if we refuse. We have no choice but to marry him."
"Oh, yeah," Starluck said sarcastically, "like that'll be a big problem."
Bowie now had no memory of Iman NOR Angie, his head was clear and open-minded (more than it already was!).
"I'm marrying two people?" Bowie said in surprise. "Oh, goody! I'll have to get a tux."
"A tux!" Alys and Starluck sang in glee.
"Won't we look SMASHING!" Starluck bounced up and down.
"I'll want lots of lace on my dress!" Alys commented.
"Wait," the Bunny King held up a paw, "first, our King's brides must undergo a test to prove themselves worthy."
Alys and Starluck didn't like the sound of that and soon, they found themselves dressed in barbarian's clothing (the loin-cloth with matching top), a pair of flimsy leather sandals with the straps laced up to mid-calf, a rather hideous Viking's hat (you know, the one with horns), and wielding off wild lemurs off with a hockey stick.
"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea," Starluck exclaimed as she smacked a lemur in the gut.
"You're telling ME!" Alys replied and booted a lemur into the horizon.
"I'd rather be swimming with Bowie right now!" Alys smacked another lemur. "Why the hell are we hitting lemurs anyway?"
"No idea," Starluck said. "This isn't much challenge, it's just damned annoying! I thought that we were going to have to defeat lions or something!"
Just then, there was a low growl.....a lion appeared on the horizon. Alys groaned.
"Starluck, you had to say it!"
"Sorry!" Starluck replied sheepishly. "I guess that we have to defeat a lion now....but, it IS more interesting than hitting lemurs anyway."
"It would be- if we weren't dressed in these hideous costumes!" Alys sighed. "It's like we're back in the Dark Ages or something." Suddenly, their landscape changed, to become a rainy, bare, Britain.
"Oh God," Starluck muttered. "What the hell is going on here??"
Alys stood in thought. The lion had disappeared.
"I think that we should be in our wedding gowns," she suggested.
Almost immediately, they were adorned in beautiful gowns. Alys smiled.
"And, I think that we should be with Bowie," Starluck added. The scene changed, and they were in a church of some sort, surrounded by pink rabbits. They each held a bouquet of pink flowers. Alys sighed.
"Why pink?" she asked. "Why not blue? Pink is such a dull color."
Her bouquet of roses turned blue. She smiled.
Starluck looked around for Bowie. She spotted him standing at the front of the church, dressed in a smashing tux. She sighed.
"Look Alys, there he is!" Alys finally saw Bowie.
"He looks so handsome!" she exclaimed.
Bowie saw them, and he bowed, holding out his hands for them to come. A beautifully large grin was on his face. Starluck and Alys made their way up the aisle, as the hundreds of pink rabbits watched in awe.
The King Rabbit, in an even brighter green cape, stood to marry them. To avoid the whole ceremony bit, Alys and Starluck found it troublesome to have it to where they BOTH kissed the groom. They were already married to Bowie, but they really wanted to take turns kissing him. So they played "Rock-Paper-Scissors" to figure it out.
"Ready?" Alys put an upright fist in her palm.
"Ready!" Starluck replied.
"One, two, three-!" they both chanted before laying down their choices.
"Ha!" Alys said and drew a "rock".
"Ha!" Starluck said at that same time and drew a "rock".
"Hell's bells," sulked Starluck, "let's try that again."
The next time, Alys and Starluck BOTH drew the "scissors".
"Okay, this isn't working," Alys said. "Why don't we do something with better odds?"
"Like what?" Starluck inquired. "If it involves lemurs, count me out!"
"No, no, no," Alys scolded, "I mean something like poker."
"Let's make it more challenging! How about third-person strip poker?" Starluck beamed.
"Third person what?!" Alys raised a brow and tossed the blue bouquet and a horde of lady bunnies fought for it in the background. Alys paid them no attention.
"The one who can win the most articles of clothing off of Bowie WINS!" Starluck held out a white-gloved hand. "Are you game?"
Alys gave it little thought and shook hands vigorously.
After many rounds, the party was over, the guests were gone, and Bowie stood holding a blue bouquet to his middle being he stood stark naked. Alys and Starluck BOTH had the same amount of clothing.
"You know," Bowie complained, "it IS getting a bit drafty. Don't you think we should be off starting our honeymoon?"
"HONEYMOON?!" Starluck exclaimed, "I haven't thought about THAT, either! We'll have to game for who's first on THAT bit, too!"
"I'm still going," Alys said. "Deal!"
"Got it," Starluck placed down the last deal.
"Wait, I'm no longer wearing anything!" Bowie said. "What else have you got to gamble over?"
"The bouquet!" Alys and Starluck said.
"Can't I choose for once?" he asked. "After all, I *am* supposed to be King here." Alys and Starluck thought for a moment.
"Ahh, what the hell?" they said in unison. "You can choose."
Bowie hummed and hawed for a long moment. He paused. "Can I at least get back into my clothes?" he asked pitifully. "It's getting awfully drafty in here."
"Sure, no problem," Starluck said, tossing Bowie his clothes.
"Though we far prefer you the way you are now!"
Bowie began to get back into his clothes.
"First, my lovely wives," he said. "Shall we head to the hotel...or wherever they've planned our honeymoon?? I think that I will decide there."
Starluck sighed. "All right," she said. A mischievous grin broke out on her face. "Let's go!"
EPISODE THREE: Oy, ve!
Bowie was exceedingly stressed. How was he supposed to please both his wives? he wondered helplessly. He didn't remember ever being in this situation before. He wondered absently if Starluck had another one of those delicious chocolate cookies around. Bowie was worried to pieces, so worried that some chemicals in his head reversed the effects of the ERASO-MAX and all of his memory returned. Meanwhile, Alys and Starluck had gone off to the pool.
"Wha-?" Bowie became enlightened. "Why those dirty, no good, filthy-minded WAIFS!!"
Bowie stormed out and ordered and army of pink bunnies to make for him the most ULTIMATE WEAPON IMAGINABLE.
"Okay, my fluffy subjects," Bowie gave a simply wicked smile, "I think the Earth will be surprised to find by tomorrow, it will no longer be part of that system. For in twenty-four hours, all the Bowiephiles of Earth will be no more - starting with that wicked Alys and that Technicolored space-poet Starluck!"
Bowie was armed with an ACME INSTANT WIFE REMOVER ray gun (that will come in handy later on!) and he marched back to the pool to discover Alys and Starluck casually playing another game of poker.
"All right, you twits," Bowie bellowed, pointing with this ENORMOUS ray gun, "I think it's time you said 'good-bye'."
"Errrrr," Starluck boggled, "I, um, think that the ERASO-MAX wore off!"
"What on EARTH made you figure THAT ONE out?" Alys scowled in sarcasm.
"RUN!" Starluck took Alys by the arm and bolted to the ship.
They dodged GARGANTUAN blasts from the WIFE REMOVER gun that left sorry craters with every step they took. Starluck quickly dragged Alys to their ship and they gutted the atmosphere in seconds.
"WHEW!" Starluck said, manning the ship still in her bathing suit. "He's REALLY gonna kill us when he finds out we sent a BOX of ERASO-MAX cookies to Iman!"
"I think he'll find out soon enough!" Alys said, staring out a window.
"Oh? What makes you say that?" Starluck gave a worried look.
"'Cause he's following us! He's right on our tail!" Alys pointed in a panic.
Before they could think, the panic in their voices had triggered the computer to play another tune. THIS TIME, it blared out the song "Baby Universal".
"......Now that he has no sense of destination, now he's running for the love of speed, when the child gets mad it's no cause for celebration, like Jimmy Dean you don't talk back to me....!"
"AAACK!" Starluck kicked the speakers. "Stupid computer!"
As they shifted into hyper-drive, little did all know that BOTH of the space-ships were headed right for the SINISTER planet of PLANET ANGIE!!......
Part Two: I'm Afraid of Americans.....As they raced towards the planet, they had no idea they were headed for the most disturbing planet in existence! PLANET ANGIE was full of spite and the thing they hated most was DAVID BOWIE!
"Stupid ******* computer!" Starluck kicked the sides. "Alys, we're headed towards some unknown planet and Bowie's behind us with a hankerin' to KILL us!"
"I know, I know! Don't remind me! Let's just try to think this out, rationally," Alys said.
"Rationally??!! While we're speeding towards an unknown planet at MURDEROUS speed and an enraged LUNATIC is close behind?! I think not, my friend!" Starluck pressed buttons like mad. "We're gonna hafta make a crash landing in that rain forest comin' right at us!".......
The computer, sensing their absolute panic, began to play tune....a very familiar tune....
"Angie...Angie...." Mick Jagger sang....
This time, it was Alys's turn to kick the computer.
Starluck frantically tried to control the wavering spacecraft. Bowie's craft was right behind theirs, following at light speed it seemed. Starluck threw up her hands as the craft nosedived into the dense rainforest. After a few moments, Alys and Starluck crawled wearily from their crumpled craft. They saw Bowie plummet into a nearby lake, in a scene (not surprisingly!) reminiscient of The Man Who Fell To Earth.
"Damn!" Alys said, "why can't we have a flashy landing like that, instead of landing in this mud??" She shook her hand free of a gross muddy brown substance, that she hoped was dirt. Starluck sat up, and tried to brush off the muck that covered her Technicolor jumpsuit. She sighed.
"You know how much this costs to get drycleaned?!?!" she complained. Alys smiled, then her eyes widened.
"Um, Starluck," she said abruptly, "I don't think this is the time to be complaining about drycleaning......" Starluck looked at Alys in puzzlement.
"Why?" she asked.
Alys gestured to a figure bearing down on them quickly. "That would be why."
Bowie was sprinting towards them, WIFE-REMOVER ray gun in hand.
"Uh oh," Starluck said....
Alys and Starluck tried in vain to get out of the mud, but they wound up falling in it a second time. Bowie, with a rather disgruntled look on his face, marched towards them.
"Total hazy cosmic jive!" exclaimed Starluck. "We're dead waifs for SURE!"
"Don't SAY things like that!" Alys scowled. "We gotta think of something! Do you have a sedative we can give him?"
"Nuh-uh!" Starluck shook her head with wide-eyes. "There's no way you can give that man anymore drugs!"
Starluck and Alys trembled where they stood, shivering cold in the mud when Alys suddenly got an idea.
"Yeah?" Starluck flicked mud off of her cheek.
"They say music soothes the savage beast," Alys said while watching Bowie march up to them with the cross-hairs of the WIFE REMOVER gun at her forehead. "Let's SING! It's now or never!"
Without hesitation, Alys and Starluck whipped up a really cheesy lullaby.....
"Oh, though you're quite enraged, dear Bowie,
Oh, the best man in the world,
Don't blow us up to smithereens,
For we're only little girls....."
Bowie stood before them and it appeared as if STEAM was rising from his nostrils, though no cigarette was anywhere in sight!
".....Oh, though you're plain insane, dear Bowie,
Oh, God's gift to the world,
Don't blow us up to smithereens,
For we're only little girls......"
Bowie tried in vain to hold back a laugh. He struggled to stay upset and shook his gun threateningly.
".....Oh, though you're our skinny idol, dear Bowie,
Oh, Great Disturb-ed One,
Don't blow us up to particles,
For we did it all in fun.
Oh, though you're older than us, dear Bowie,
Oh, much wiser, it is true,
Don't blow us up to particles,
For we're both in love with you."
Bowie burst out laughing and tossed the gun into the mud. "You two crack me up," he wheezed,"to think I was going to blow you up!"
Alys and Starluck heaved a great sigh of relief.
"So you're not mad at us anymore?" Starluck gave a hopeful grin.
"Oh, I'm HORRIBLY angry," Bowie laughed so hard Alys and Starluck's smiles melted away and their eyes went as wide as sauce-pans. "I'm VICIOUSLY upset! I'm so TERRIBLY ANGRY, I could rip you two apart limb from limb!!"
As he continued laughing, Starluck felt ice creep down her muddy back and Alys stood in terror.
"Oh, man, we're gonna be his next torture victims if we stick around any longer," Alys whispered to Starluck.
"Yeah, I know, but how can we escape this guy?" Starluck whispered back. "He's got more power than......errrr....well....THAN CONGRESS!"
Alys said nothing as Bowie spoke. "And don't even THINK about escaping," Bowie smiled a smile so sinister, they were rendered paralyzed. "I've got an INSTANT YOKO ONO gun here in my holster, so don't try anything stupid. You two ignoble scamps are going to lead me out of this jungle and to the nearest settlement. I need Starluck to help me fix her ship to get us out of here!"
"YOU'RE gonna rip off MY SHIP???" Starluck boggled. "WOW! What an honor!"
"Starluck!" Alys bonked Starluck upside the head..... Starluck shook her head.
"What?" Starluck asked. "It IS an honor you know!" Alys sighed.
"Hell yeah...but we DON'T want him to rip off our ship!" Alys replied. Bowie just watched them with amusement. He tried to catch his breath after laughing so hard. Alys shook her head.
"David, you *must* stop smoking my dear...you sound horrible!"
Bowie frowned. "Why can't you mind your own business, you little scamps??" he asked viciously. "Now, that torture sounded good, and it would be a just punishment!"
This time it was Starluck's turn to hit Alys over the head. The pair slowly got to their feet, flinging mud all over the place. One clump just *happened* to hit Bowie....right between the eyes! He sputtered as mud dripped down his face. He wiped it away with one hand, leaving a dark smear across his cheek. Starluck giggled. She tried to hold back her laughter with one hand, but it came bursting out anyway.
Bowie frowned and brandished the ray gun at them again...the INSTANT YOKO ONO gun.....
But suddenly, the forest around them rustled with movement.....Bowie, Starluck and Alys looked around cautiously.....
A head popped out from the foliage. It was ANGIE!!!
And then...another head...and another...and another....
........"OH, GOOD GOD!!!!" Bowie dropped the gun and it went off.
KA-BLAM!.......Instant Yoko Onos popped out left and right. As soon as the Yokos caught sight of the Angie's they howled and hooted and went for their throats.
"Hide!" Alys said dragging down Starluck who was too busy boggling.
"I've never seen anything like this!" Starluck smiled. "Imagine the cost of special effects if they make this a MOVIE!"
"Shut up!" Bowie shouted, pulling Starluck down to shield his face.
"Well," Starluck used a giant palm leaf to act as a shield,"I thought it would have made a great movie."
Alys and Bowie both whapped her upside the head.
......Starluck rubbed her bruised head, still shielding herself with a palm leaf. "Well, it WOULD have made a good movie!" Starluck repeated, frowning in annoyance. Bowie and Alys just looked at her. Bowie watched in awe and horror as the Yokos and Angies went at each other.
"Oh my god!" Alys exclaimed. "What did Yoko and Angie have against each other anyway???" Bowie sighed.
"Angie was always a bad influence on John, you know," Bowie said, starting off on a long tale. "I think she tried to get him into bed, behind my BACK!" Starluck cackled.
"Poor John!" she exclaimed. Alys laughed. A pair of Angies and Yokos stumbled by, flinging mud at each other. Alys and Starluck ducked quickly out of the way...but Bowie wasn't quick enough. A huge ball of mud hit him smack in the chest. He let out a horrifying cry.
"This is ALL YOUR FAULT!" he yelled at Starluck and Alys. "If you two hadn't MANNAPPED me in the FIRST place, then we wouldn't be stuck in this MESS!" Alys raised one eyebrow.
"Mannapped??" she echoed. Starluck giggled.
"Well, he is ONE hell of a specimen," Starluck replied. Just then, Bowie pulled out his INSTANT WIFE REMOVER raygun.
"Damn!" Alys swore. "I thought he'd lost that one!" Bowie brandished the gun at them.
"Come my little SCAMPS!" he commanded. "Back to the ship!" Alys and Starluck scrambled to their feet, flinging yet more mud....at Bowie. He grimaced as his clothes got dirtier yet.
"Why doesn't he use the INSTANT WIFE REMOVER gun on the Angies?" Alys asked Starluck. Bowie caught that, and his eyes lit up.
"What a good idea!" he exclaimed. Starluck rolled her eyes. Bowie took aim at one of the dozens of Angies running around in the forest.
KEEERRRRBBBBLLLAAAMMM!! One Angie down. Bowie laughed manically, obviously enjoying the chance to shoot his ex-wife. Alys and Starluck slowly crept towards their ship. KEEEERRRBBBLLLAAAMMM!! A huge crater appeared in front of them.
"Where do you think you're going??" Bowie asked, with a wicked smile. "The fun's just started!".........
........"Hell's bells," brooded Starluck looking into the crater that let off steam. "I don't wanna go back to the ship."
"Starluck, I don't think we have much of a CHOICE!" Alys exclaimed.
"She's right, urchin," Bowie smiled another one of his attractive smiles. "One false move and you two are CRATERS!"
"This bites," Starluck kicked the mud.
Alys, in a final attempt to subdue a tempermental Bowie, suggested,"Hey, Bowie? Would you like a tasty beverage?"
"What are you talking about?" Bowie gave a suspicious look.
"It so happens I have a Dr. Pepper right here," Alys handed the can to Bowie. "There's NO WAY we could have put anything in it since the can is sealed."
Alys steps up closer to Starluck as Bowie opened up the can to take a sip. As he swallows he drops the gun and falls flat on his face.
"What was that all about?" Starluck ran to pick up Bowie before he drowned in the mud.
"If he only would have checked the label," Alys laughed. "It was a can of Sleepy-Time Cola. It contains enough Happy Sleep liquid to render any NORMAL man into a four hour coma!"
"Cool, but he'll be REALLY ticked when he wakes up," Starluck said dragging Bowie back to the ship. "Let's give him a bath."
"Good idea!" Alys' eyes lit up......
.........They dragged Bowie back to the ship, tracking mud the entire way. Starluck sighed as they got into the ship.
"Damn," she said, "I'm gonna have to steam clean the ship now too! Do you know how much this is going to cost me????" Alys sighed.
"Starluck, isn't it worth this adventure?" she asked. Starluck brightened.
"Now that you put it THAT way....." she laughed. They dragged the comatose Bowie into a small guest room aboard the ship. Alys peeled off Bowie's mud soaked jacket.
"Yick!" she exclaimed, as she ended up dripping more mud all over herself. Starluck had the honor of stripping off Bowie's pants. She giggled, and they hoisted Bowie off the floor and into a bathtub. Dirty streaks marred the pristine whiteness of the tub. Starluck sighed. They began the long...yet delightful...bath.
Soon, Bowie was clean, and after awhile, so were Starluck and Alys. They donned new Technicolor jumpsuits, and felt like new. They laid Bowie on the couch, and started up the ship.
"Where to, commander?" Alys asked with a smile. "Shall we try for FROG again??" Starluck smiled.
"Might as well," she said. "Maybe we'll get lucky this time, and actually GET THERE!" Alys laughed.
"I guess it's worth all this trouble, since we have Bowie with us still," she said, "but what will we do when he comes to?" Starluck thought for a long moment.
"Well, we can't drug him again," she said, with some regret. "But, for the time being, we *can* restrain him....and take away that damned INSTANT WIFE REMOVER gun, as well as the INSTANT YOKO ONO gun."
"Yikes," Alys remarked. "I don't want ANY more Yokos around! They're frightening!" She set the coordinates for the planet FROG, and they flew from Planet Angie......
........As soon as they left, the planet was instantly destroyed by bickering Yoko Onos and Angies.
"Damn!" Starluck exclaimed,"we made it just in time!"
"Yeah," Alys nodded with wide-eyes as bits of the planet flew off into space.
"Mmmmmmmmmmmmrrrrrrrnnnnn....." came the familiar groan of David Bowie.
"Uh oh," Starluck said. "Quick, Alys, tie him down!" Alys rummages and found some sturdy space-rope to tie Bowie onto a plush recliner before he fully recovered.
"Whew!" Alys said tying in the last knot as Bowie's eyes popped wide open.
"Oh, GOOD GOD!" Bowie was near tears. "What have I done, Lord? What have I done to be kidnapped by these two?"
"Who's Lord?" Starluck asked.
"Beats me," Alys shrugged. "Must be another one of his friends."
"Where are you taking me NOW?" Bowie said rather upset.
"FROG, like we had originally planned!" Alys sang. "There you will be submitted into the lap of luxury in Starluck's crystal palace."
Bowie squints deep in thought,"Crystal palace, eh?"
"Yes," Starluck grins,"deep in the underground."
Bowie shook his head in frustration when suddenly the ship rocked violently.
"Hey! What goes on here!?" Starluck tried to steer the ship about, but it was being tossed about like a toy.
"What's happening??" Alys cried out, gripping her seat.
Suddenly, the rather annoyingly pleasant voice of the unknown speaks through the communicator:
ATTENTION, MORTALS! YOUR SHIP WILL BE SUBDUED BY THE ORDER OF THE QUEEN. HER ROYAL MAJESTY, QUEEN PILLANINNY......
"Queen WHAT?!" Bowie cringed on horror.......
......."QUEEN PILLANINNY!" the voice repeated again, annoyed. "DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME THE FIRST TIME?" the voice asked. Bowie was speechless. Alys sighed. Starluck fiddled angrily with the ship's controls.
"What the ******* is going on here?" she muttered, adjusting knobs and flipping switches.
"AS QUEEN PILLANINNY, I DEMAND THE RIGHT OF POSSESSING THE CARGO THAT YOUR SHIP CARRIES!" the voice demanded, still sounded ridiculously pleasant. Alys swore.
"Like hell we will!" Starluck retorted. "We've worked SO HARD already, and we've barely gotten any time with him yet!" There was silence, but only for a moment. Bowie wondered if he'd been saved.
"DO NOT RESIST. YOUR SHIP WILL BE DESTROYED IF YOU DO."
"I guess that's one adventure that comes to an end," she said, resigned. "For now." Starluck nodded, and winked at Alys....
"For now." She repeated. QUEEN PILLANINNY, or whatever her name was, spoke again.
"YOU WILL NOT REGRET THIS." Starluck snorted in disgust.
"Hell, I'm regretting it already!" she mumbled, just loud enough so Alys could hear.
Bowie was transported by one of those cool little thingers from Star Trek (oops, sorry for using a trademark name!!) Alys and Starluck sat dejectedly in their ship.
Alys perked up suddenly.
"We can still follow that silly QUEEN PILLANINNY," she suggested. Starluck brightened.
"Of course!" she exclaimed. "Let's go!" They set off, following the ship of QUEEN PILLANINNY at a distance.
In the meantime, Bowie was aboard the extremely classy ship of one QUEEN PILLANINNY. Who, decided to appear before Bowie at the moment that he was transported.
"Hello, dahhhling," Iman cooed.......
........"Oh, no!!!" Alys and Starluck sang in terror aboard the ship. "Oh, yeah!!" Bowie heaved a sigh of relief on the deck of Iman's ship.
"But, wait, she doesn't REMEMBER Bowie!" Alys thought out loud. "We sent her an entire box of ERASO-MAXz cookies last week."
Who could tell what Iman was doing to Bowie as Starluck navigated close behind her ship.
"Hell's bells," Starluck brooded,"all that work just tryin' to get him sedated and then Iman comes along and steals him as if she didn't know who he was!"
"She DOESN'T know who he is!" Alys exclaimed. "Which makes the situation easier on US! We can try to negotiate something to get him back...".......
........Time passed and Starluck and Alys find themselves tied up on seperate poles in the jungle planet of RETARDO being hooted at by Retardian natives (who looked hauntingly like male and female versions of Marilyn Manson jumping about) who had chosen Iman as their new leader.
"Burn them!" ordered Iman as the natives moved towards them with burning torches.
"'Negotiate', you said! 'Think things out,' you said! 'No,' I replied ,b let's just blast them,' I suggested, but noooooooo....." Starluck scowled.......
"Well, how was *I* to know that Iman was a tyrant?? Huh? Huh?" Alys retorted. "She alway seemed so nice, you know, doing all those charity things." Starluck sighed.
"What the HELL are we supposed to do now?" she wondered out loud. One of the Marilyn Manson clones stopped, hearing the word Hell. It (anything that looks like Marilyn Manson can only be called "it") sidled closer.
"Are you from Hell??" it asked in a scratchy voice. Starluck and Alys looked at each other in amazement.
"Because," it continued, "if you can get me to Hell, I can free you." Alys and Starluck exchanged glances. Alys nodded almost inperceptibly. Starluck took the leap.
"Of course we are from Hell," she said sweetly to the Marilyn Manson clone. It brightened at these words. "Get us out of here, with Bowie, and we'll send you to Hell." Alys tried not to giggle.
"Satan is a personal friend," she said, biting her lip. The Marilyn Manson clone smiled, a grotesque and ugly smile. (You didn't know that Marilyn Manson *COULD* smile, did you?) The clone left them, and conferred with the other, just as ugly, clones.
"Where the hell (excuse the pun) will we take them??" Alys asked Starluck. Starluck shrugged.
"How about Planet Angie...no, wait...it was destroyed. Damn! That would have been perfect!" Starluck reasoned. "Well, we could drop them off on Planet X. I bet that little pink rabbits would be a Hell for Marilyn Manson, don't you?" Alys laughed.
"It would be a hell, mainly because Marilyn Manson would NEVER expect it!!"
Soon, the clones began to mass together. Iman was startled out of her cosy embrace with the desparately-in-love Mr. Bowie (yikes, did I say Mr.??) Bowie I mean.
"Iman, darling, what's the matter?" Bowie asked, innocently. The clones came closer....and closer....and closer....
.......We find Alys, Starluck, the Manson clone-thingy, and Bowie slung over its shoulder heading for Starluck's ship.
"C'mon, Manson," Starluck called behind her as they ran for the beam thing-a-ma-jig to take them to her ship.
Alys, Starluck, and Bowie were beamed on board but as for Mr.Manson....
......In one of the farthest reaches of space, we find a bewildered Manson clone crying in terror as unbearably cute bunnies approach him in attempts to make him their next king for they constantly changed them. Thus, why they call it Planet X.......
........Bowie sat brooding (and munching on a box of twinkies) watching himself on the television doing his Ashes to Ashes performance.
"Say, Alys, do you think we'll FINALLY get to my planet?" Starluck steered the ship idly.
"I should HOPE so! We've gone through a lot of trouble to just KEEP him!" Alys laughed nervously.
"Hell's bells!!" Starluck exclaimed.
"What NOW??" Alys frowned.
"I got William Shatner on the other line," she said,"he says it's important."......
........"What does he want?" Alys asked. Starluck shrugged, and held up one hand.
"Just a sec," she said, and listened to Bill Shatner for what seemed like ages.... "Well, seems like Bill and the guys are having some trouble with those weird Star Trek characters," Starluck said. "He wants somebody to come liven up the set, and become new characters." Alys was wide-eyed in disbelief.
"Star Trek wants us?" she asked. "They *must* be having some trouble!"
"Well, you know," Starluck began philosophically, "the series HAS been getting a wee bit dull lately. They just need someone to liven it up. Guess they thought of us. Maybe they liked my Technicolor jumpsuit at that last poetry convention?"
"What about going to FROG?" Alys asked, looking back at Bowie, who was munching on his third Twinkie by this time. Starluck sighed.
"We can do this TV appearance, and THEN go to FROG," Starluck answered. "Besides, maybe we can get them to give Bowie a cameo appearance, something to make all those Bowie fans on Earth drool." She giggled.
"They'll owe us for this one!" Alys remarked. She turned back to regard Bowie. "Hey David," she said. "What would you think about appearing on Star Trek?" David looked up from his Twinkies, which he was devouring at an alarming rate.
"Star Trek?" Bowie smirked. "I think I've given up playing the alien," he replied sharply. Alys sighed.
"Come on David," she said. "You would love it!"
"How can you be so sure?" Bowie asked irritably. Apparently the sugar in those Twinkies wasn't helping his mood.
"We know you David," Starluck interjected. "You'd love to do it." Bowie sighed.
"What will you do if I don't?" he asked finally. Starluck and Alys hummmed and hawed.
"Well," Starluck began, "we can always hook you up to a stereo playing your ex-wife's music, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, for a total of 52 weeks, for eternity." Alys tried not to laugh. Bowie turned as pale as a ghost.
"You're NOT serious!?" he exclaimed.
"Perhaps, perhaps not," Starluck answered with a mysterious smile. "You'll never know, will you?" She laughed.
Bowie groaned. "Alright, alright," he said. "I'll do it....BUT, I bet they won't want me!".....
......At the Star Trek set, Bowie was to be proved wrong.
"Heeey, looook, it's Daaavid Boowie," Bill Shatner drawled in that truly annoying voice of his. Bowie grimaced.
"Just what we've been waiting for Captain," Spock said, monotone and logical. Alys rolled her eyes in disgust. Spock continued.
"A real alien will be on the show, after all these years!" Spock exclaimed. Bowie began to back away, disgusted. Starluck sighed, and kept a tight grip on Bowie's arm.
"He'd love to do a cameo," she said brightly, clenching Bowie's arm tighter until Bowie nodded, with a stiff smile.....
......."Oy, ve!" Starluck was given a pair of funky looking pointy ears. "Had I but known they were making me VULCAN!"
Alys smirked as she was being fitted with those shapely sexist uniforms.
"Did you ever notice how in the old series, the woman had a BEE-HIVE hairdo?" Starluck groped.
"I know," Alys nodded, "and I don't think Bill ever got rid of that annoying herky-jerky accent."
"Ya think he was traumatized as a child?" Starluck stuck out her bottom lip and furrowed her brow. Alys laughed.
Bowie had no need for fancy-shmancy costumes. Instead, they gave him a SNAZZY white suit and a smashing black tie.
"Oh-KAY!" Shatner startled Starluck. "Are WE reh-DEE?"
"Uh, YEAH!" Starluck mocked him, sulking over a pair of pointy ears.
"Did you know that all the Vulcans wore wear these stupid BATH-ROBES?"
"YES, well," Shatner replied,"THEY were CHEE-per AT the TIME."
"Does this guy make it a point to be iambic?" Starluck said.
"Oh, look," Bowie grumbled,"Starluck's learned a word with THREE syllables."
Alys decided it'd be best if she laid low. Besides, watching the two sulk was rather amusing.
"Oh, shut up, Bowie," Starluck griped. "Or do I have to remind you about that EXPEDITION??"
"The what?!" Alys blurted out.
Bowie's eyes went wide,"Oh, no! You wouldn't DARE bring that up! That's ancient history!"
"Oh, yeah? Well, it so happens that-" Starluck was interrupted.
"-WHAT EXPEDITION!!?" Alys was all ears.
"Well," Starluck began,"it happened in Las Vegas, during the poet's convention when dear ol' Bowie-butt here thought it'd be best if-"
"-Starluck!" Bowie was being held back by five make-up artists, trying desperately to fix his eye-liner. "If you go any further than that, I'll-"
"-You'll what, Bowie?" Starluck challenged. "Or you'll hit me with a tassle??"
"A what??" Alys grabbed Starluck by the arm. "What happened in Las Vegas?"
"Bowie thought it'd be best if he did a little act in Las Vegas, but he accidently got his dates mixed up and performed at our convention," Starluck explained.
Bowie was furious at this point. "Starluck, if you think for one moment that I-"
"-He did a little jig that involved himself wearing nothing but a pair of skimpy cut-off jeans and tassles!" Starluck finished.
Alys began laughing uncontrolably and Bowie's face flushed red. Everyone in the make-up room was laughing.....
........."STARLUCK!" Bowie bellowed. Starluck just laughed, and Bowie flushed in embarrassment even more. Alys couldn't stop laughing.
"How come you never told me?" she asked Starluck. "Now I REALLY wish I had been invited to that convention!"
"Alys, dear, don't worry, I happened to have my handy little camcorder with me! Of course, I'll give you a copy of it!" Starluck exclaimed. Bowie turned an even darker shade of red.
"Bowie, get a grip! You're going to pass out if you get any redder!" Alys exclaimed in amazement. Bowie just shook with anger. Just then, Dr. Spock popped into the make-up room. He went over to a table and took out (what else?) the blue eyeshadow. Alys sighed.
"T-A-C-K-Y!" she mouthed to Starluck, who nodded in agreement. Bowie just shook his head. He walked over to Spock, and (unfortunately) decided to speak.
"Hey Spock, don't you know that blue eyeshadow is out of style?" Bowie asked *innocently*. Spock frowned.
"Blue eyeshadow is *never* out of style," Spock replied sternly. Bowie shook his head.
"Spock, my friend, where have you been lately?! Blue isn't the rage, it's purple that is! Try some purple eyeliner! It's so much better!" Spock considered this for a long while. Starluck and Alys just watched Bowie, wondering what exactly he was up to.
"Ok, I'll take your word for it...this time," Spock replied. "All I need is a real alien to tell me how to look like one." Bowie gritted his teeth, no doubt choking back a scathing reply. Alys tried not to laugh. Spock began putting on purple eyeshadow and liner. Bowie snatched the make-up from him.
"Let *me* put it on," he said. "I know EXACTLY what will look good on you!"
Spock waited patiently. Bowie did Spock's eyes, but then, streaked a line of eyeshadow across Spock's forehead. He made another line across Spock's nose.
"What the #%^%$# are you doing?!?!" Spock screamed in horror. Bowie smiled wickedly.
"Nothing....absolutely nothing....I thought that you wanted to look like an alien?"
"This is not an alien," Spock replied. Shatner walked in just then.
"BOW- ie, WHAT have YOU done WITH mr. SPOCK?" Shatner asked.
"He wanted to look like an alien," Bowie replied.
"Did YOU know THAT this DOESN'T come OFF?" Shatner asked. Bowie looked innocently away. Starluck tried not to laugh. Alys and Starluck edged their way out of the make-up room. Bowie was moving slowly towards the door, keeping his eyes on the now enraged (yes, it's very scary!) Shatner, and the even angrier (yet logical) Mr. Spock. He sprinted out the door, and slammed it shut. He clicked the lock.
"Let's go, girls!" Bowie exclaimed. Alys and Starluck looked at each other. They shrugged.
"If it gets me out of wearing these damned Vulcan ears, then I'll do it," Starluck reasoned......
........"Who's STUPID idea WAS IT to go and do a Star Trek epsiode, anyway?" Starluck brooded, trying in vain to remove the foam Vulcan ears.
"I, er, think it was yours," Bowie looked to Starluck.
"Oh!" Starluck blushed,"Yeah, it kinda WAS, wasn't it?"
As the three walked out of the studio, trying to remember where Starluck parked the ship, a horde of Bowiephiles ran in front of them.
"Oh, my God!!" one exclaimed,"It's DAVID BOWIE!!!"
All the horde of men and women screamed in delight and charged the trio at full throttle.
"Oy, ve!" Bowie exclaimed.
"DAMN!" Alys shouted. "Damned ears!" Starluck complained aloud.
Bowie and Alys looked confused at Starluck's statement, but they quickly took her by the arms and ran off, trying to escape the horde of overwhelmed Bowiephiles.
"You know," Starluck panted as they ran,"I don't GET it! What is the secret? What makes you the magnet you are, David?"
Bowie said nothing for a moment as they ran around the ENORMOUS parking lot of the Hollywood studios.
"Er, I really don't know," he responded. "At first, I thought it was the snazzed-out costumes, the synthesizers, and the colourful metaphors, but I'm beginning to think it's my TEETH!"
"Your WHAT?!" Alys boggled. "What's so special about your teeth??"
Bowie stopped dead in his tracks, Alys and Starluck turned to face him, and he grinned a Cheshire cat's grin. His whiter-than-white teeth glowed, almost blinding Alys and Starluck.
"Wow!" they both covered their eyes.
"Hey, Starluck," Alys ran around behind Bowie who was still smiling. "I think we could use his teeth to our advantage."
Alys quickly turned Bowie around, still poised in a haunting grin, and blinded the horde of Bowiephiles, who fell to floor crying out loud in pain.
"My eyes! My eyes!" they wailed. "I can't see!!"
"Groovy!" Starluck beamed. "C'mon, I think I found the ship!"
Little did she know, that she and the others were stepping into the WRONG SHIP! Yes, this was the infamous Millenium Falcon, used for the re-makes of the Star Wars movies. Apparently, Industrial Light and Magic had brought it out and left it on the driveway so Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, and Mark Hamill could sign autographs next to it later that day. With no mind to check out the liscence plates (reading, of course, "STAR WARS"), Starluck started up the Millenium Falcon and they shot up into space, leaving a horde of blinded Bowiephiles and a mob of angry special-effects people on earth.....
Coming soon...PART THREE!!