The Story Chapter Two

Bowie stands before the desk of the Warden. The Warden asks Bowie his name, to which he replies "David Bowie." "Liar," says the Warden, "Bowie is off on one of those festival circuits. If you ask me, he's still a fruit. Thinks he's too good to roll around in the mud like the rest of them." Bowie is then told to remove his watch and other personal belongings (but being caught buck nekkid, there's not a lot to put into the Warden's little tray; even his wedding ring is gone, having been used to pay for those fruity drinks which have yet to entirely wear off, even after three weeks). "Don't worry, 'Bowie,' they'll still be there after we're through with you." The Warden pulls a large flashlight out of his desk drawer and moves around to stand behind David. "Bend over," he says. Bowie shyly obliges. "Are you, or have you ever been, a homosexual?" the Warden asks. "I plead the fifth," says David, "and besides, I never got a bloody trial! I don't belong here! I'd like to speak with my lawyer, please." "Fuck lawyers," the Warden replies, "all they're good for is screwing with people's minds and causing no end of trouble. Bloody bastards." The Warden hands David the standard issue prison garb. David is appalled. "I've been naked for three weeks, but I wouldn't be caught dead in this outfit," he thinks to himself. The Warden turns to the two hulking guards by the door. "Guido, Rocko, he's all yours, boys." (*cut to the next scene*) After a very rough (yet somehow immensely pleasurable) disinfectant shower by Guido and Rocko (who torment poor Bowie endlessly about the still visible welts from his latest spanking), our boy David is shown to what will be his accommodations for the time being. "Hallo, sailor" pipes his new bunkmate, known affectionately as Little Butch to his bitches but as # 6582475 to everybody else (except the Warden on Saturday nights). "Fresh blood, I love it, I love it. So what nasty little thing have you done to end up here, precious?" "Not even the Downsville prison was this bad," thinks David...

Hours later, as he lies sleepless on his bunk, wincing at the pain of his bruises and lacerations, David wonders how Trent had managed to transport him instantaneously from the bar in the Labyrinth back to Picewa, and wishes that he hadn't. Oh, if only someone would recreate Trent's mysterious time-space-vortex-maneuver and bust him out! He closes his eyes and one little tear trickles down his cheek. Gently, someone kisses it away. David slowly opens his eyes to find himself in a cozily furnished room, his head now resting on a feather pillow. Soft afternoon sunlight dapples the faded wallpaper. He hears gentle rain caressing a tin roof. And sitting beside him, her golden hair tousled and her slim yet delightfully womanly body draped in a simple yet stylish diaphanous shift, is... Margot. Suddenly all his pain is forgotten. He reaches up and touches her face lightly, and the two are lost in the rapture of a deeply probing and highly energetic, tonguey embrace. David glides his hand down the luminous glory of Margot's magnificent bum. "No David, stop!" she whispers. "But why, Margot? It's been so long, and you know that of all the people I've had the pleasure of pleasuring from the message board, you are my very favourite."

"YOU SAID THAT TO ME!" a voice thunders, as though ripped from the abyss. "Oh, Hell! It's Hel!" says David. "You said it to me too, you faithless cad!" "AND ME!" "AND ME!"

David looks past Margot's trembling shoulder to see that he is surrounded by an angry throng. He recognises the faces: Ramona, Phelyx, D.S., Joseph ("HE's seen better days" thinks David), Twig, Putz, Robot Monster and many more.

Phelyx steps forward, wearing a hurt expression. He sobs: "We came here to kidnap you and give you the birthday of a lifetime. But now..." he can't go on.

: "But now, we're going to take you in our Tardis to London, April 1946. We're going to prevent your conception - and YOU'RE going to help us do it!!"

They lay hands on him and drag him into their waiting police box...

Right now, our semi-benevolent and sexually ambiguous hero is being transported in a time machine to a time s.b.b. (shortly before Bowie), surrounding him are an angry fifth of the people he's had the pleasure of "knowing," and he's wishing he really was the alien that certain sordid rumors claimed him to be. I'm sure, you, dear audience, are wondering "How the hell does he stay so damned potent? Does he have an implant? Or is it those funny little rings he carries in the secret pocket of his Levi's?" Well, folks, we have a long time to think of such things, for it takes a LOT more time to travel back in time than most people think.. and during the journey, David's lovers turned captors begin to look at each other with dis-ease.. and later, with downright resentment. Pretty soon, someone, Ramona, pipes up and yells "Some friends you are, you adulterers!" "Adulterers?!?" says I, "I had him first!" "WHAT?! I had 'em before you were BORN, darling.." claims Hel. All of the younger ones look at Hel with some confusion.. "Actually.." starts David "YOU can it, you LECH!!" Phelyx and Joseph say in unison.. "I know how to resolve THIS argument.. " Twig adds, "We'll each write down the dates of our first encounters with 'em, and put them into a hat." Everyone agrees.. "Anyone got a piece of paper and a pen?" They all look from one to the other.. until David, with a look of incredulity upon his face, pulls a sheet of paper from one of his pockets. When he does, he notices it's a love letter from Kermit, and without warning, one of those funny little rings falls from the folds of the paper.. He snatches it up, embarrassed.. D.S. snatches the paper from his hands, tears it, and they all begin scribbling.. David thinks to himself, "If they're really THIS silly, getting out of this fix should be simple!"

David looks about him as the angry fifth anxiously await the outcome of twig's brilliant plan, and then about him; the austere silver walls allowed the light to reflect brightly, casting an impersonal quality on his whole ordeal. He sighs, and looks to the odd console in the center of the room, an octagonal table-like contraption with glittery lights and shiny buttons, and an odd hum. David, curious, steps around it, and almost falls onto it as he stumbles over a previously unseen figure, wearing a gaudy plaid jacket with blue cuffs, and a stalk of celery pinned to his lapel. The figure groans and looks up at David, and utters "I say, old bean, but would you be a nice chap and reach into my left pocket? There is little gizmo in there that I could use, and as you seem to be at the twisted will of these strange people as much as I am, perhaps we can help each other out?" David, more curious yet, reaches into the pocket, and removes a silvery pen-like cylinder from within. "Now then," Bowie's fellow captive says cheerfully, "If you would just place the narrow end against the lock on these here handcuffs, and give it a little twist...." Unsure, David does so, and with a high pitched whine (from the cylinder) and a click (from the handcuffs), the oddly humored prisoner was free.

David glanced in the direction of the fifth...they were arguing now that Twig had not torn the paper evenly enough to make the pick random (as she had won the draw). Not one of them seemed to pay the least bit attention to the two erstwhile captives. "By the way," the oddly dressed man addressed David, "you wouldn't happen to be that wonderful rock artist, David Bowen or something like that?"

Bowie, shocked at the lack of recognition, can only mumble "Bowie. David Bowie." The man chuckled, and said "Of course you are, how silly of me...and I am the Doctor. You know, if you want your Diamond Dogs set, I think I accidentally picked it up a while back, thought it might make a nice coffee table or vanity..."

David hastily shakes his head, this was getting too weird even for him. "NO, no, I just want to get off of this thing. Preferably back in the place where I started from." "Oh, no problem whatsoever. I will just hit this lever here, and..." The Doctor flips said lever, and a klaxon sounds. "Oh, dear, perhaps I meant THAT lever." With a lurch a vwoop, and a thud, the TARDIS comes to a crashing halt, tossing the inhabitants about and generally adding to the plethora of confusion. When it stops, The Doctor gets up, brushes himself off, and flicks on the view screen, revealing an alien landscape outside the blue box.

David walks to the Doctor's side, and follows his gaze. He freezes. Can it be? The rolling sand hills of his thirsty home planet spread out before him. He must escape these loonies and get to his wife and kiddies! Maybe they haven't yet perished from thirst!

Bowie and the Doctor look behind them at the squabbling group of fans. Twig and Ramona are rolling around the floor of the TARDIS screaming something about which version of Strangers When We Meet is the definitive version. Ramona screams 'Buddha' and pulls Twigs hair. Twig shouts 'Outside' and Ramona, mistakenly thinking she wants to continue the fight outside heads toward the door. JK, DS, Margot & Hel are shouting about the whether the Glass Spider Tour was good or a total load of crap. Their argument branches out to include the entire '80s and a huge wrestling match ensues. "Labyrinth was brilliant, better than Citizen Kane!!" "Labyrinth was crap!!" "Two words: Peter Frampton!!" Blows are exchanged.... After a few moments the group quiets down and the surly mob turns toward Hel, "So, you have secrets now do you...?" and they glare at her. On the other side of the craft Bowie and the Doctor stand silently and watch. David inquires "I think I'll be getting off here, might you have some water?" The doctor presses a button and a panel slides away to reveal a well stocked refrigerator full of Evian water. The 16oz. bottles. Bowie takes several and exits the craft as the group of wackos advance on Hel threatening her with savage bare-assed spankings should she not reveal her many secrets....

Bowie turns to see the tiny TARDIS sitting on the horizon, he can barely hear Hel's squeals as it disappears from view. He walks for miles across the barren sandy landscape pausing briefly to orient himself by studying the many suns above.... evening falls and he sits on a stone feeling terribly exhausted and 'jet-lagged' from his tedious TARDIS journey. As he slumps down into the sand, slowly nodding off, he thinks of the past few days strange events, making out with Michael Bolton, with Kermit.... he thinks about Margot as he falls asleep. Her firm buttocks, her energetic tonguey kisses... the heat, the fury, the mind wrenching orgasms. Again and again and again.... Now he knows how Margot got her little nickname 'Boom-boom."

He awakes several hours later with a soggy crotch and where his potent loin-juice has hit the ground grass is now growing. In the immense parched landscape a small patch of grass grows. He removes his still-moist pants and covers them with sand and within moments a tree has grown like in those fast motion films he used to watch in science class so many years ago. He takes a long drink of Evian water and thinks of Margot and masturbates drizzling his seed on the sand like the icing on a lovely coffee cake and in mere seconds all manner of plant life springs up around him. Trees laden with fruit, huge pulmarias and rhodedendrons, a small field of corn.... vines, orchids, and where he buried the pants, a small spring has emerged from the ground.

"Wow," thinks David to himself. "It's no Eden, but it's not bad if I do say so myself. Ramona was right. The universe does revolve around my crotch! Silly me for not having believed her. "David looks at the miracle that he alone (OK, with a little help from the vision of Margot) could create. "Could do with some tobacco plants, though" he thinks. David takes a long swig from the bottle of Evian, readying himself for another performance of Willie and the Hand Jive. He is about to assume the position when a Voice From On High (sounding strangely similar to Frampton's talking guitar) bellows forth from the Heavens: "STOP THAT OR YOU'LL GO BLIND. DIDN'T YOUR MOTHER EVER TEACH YOU BETTER? AFTER ALL, YOU ONLY HAVE ONE GOOD EYE. NOW IF YOU'LL JUST LEAVE THE ONE-EYED BOY FROM FREECLOUD ALONE FOR JUST A MINUTE, I HAVE SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT TO SAY. DAVID, DAVID, YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN AS AN EXAMPLE IN THESE DARK TIMES. YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN TO...

DISCOVER THE SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE!!! ah no wait you've already done that, let's see how about, ahhemm, ahhemm,...BETTER THE LIVES OF MILLIONS OF EARTHLINGS!!! OH WAIT, DAMN, YOU'VE DONE THAT TOO! AS A MATTER OF FACT,(getting louder) YOU'VE DONE JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING!!" After that outburst the voice grows contemplative, "HMMMM, CAN DO EVERYTHING, YES, AND IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT I AM IN NEED OF A VACATION. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE GOD FOR AWHILE??" When the echoes die away Bowie looks up and says...

"Somebody up there really DOES like me!"

He stands up and looks around at the verdant lushness that has sprung from his loins, and behold it is very good. Suddenly, he feels overcome with solemn awe at the great responsibility that has been placed upon his slender shoulders. He sinks to his knees and bows his head. In spite of his doubts, he knows he must be the man for the job if GOD thinks he can handle it. He thinks carefully for a moment and speaks. The words come slowly, but with strange new power:

"Lord, I kneel and offer you my..."

"Yeah, yeah, OK. Now listen carefully, Jesus and the Holy Ghost and I are just heading over to a more relaxing parallel universe we've just created. We just need to put our feet up for a few millennia. Now don't panic. We'll be back in 24 hours your time. What can go wrong in one day? Hardly anyone expects immediate answers to their prayers except for a few mid western Americans, and I generally ignore them. Don't worry about the laws of physics - they're more or less self maintaining. There's just one thing, you MUST do while I'm away. Be sinless. Otherwise the universe will implode. See you!!"

David looks up to see a blinding white flash in the blue sky above him. And then all is calm. He stands and looks around him. All seems peaceful enough. Be sinless, eh? He can't quite remember the Ten Commandments, but it shouldn't be too hard in this calm, peaceful place. God didn't even say anything about not eating the fruit. In fact, he can't see ANYTHING that might tempt him to iniquity.

And then he hears raised voices not far away. The message boarders! He'd forgotten them.

"There he is!" one of them shouts.

"Oh H..... Bother! It's Hel!" says David, "Now what would God do in this situation? I know, I'll just be COOL. Friendly yet enigmatic." He puts on an appropriate expression and adopts a casual posture as the message boarders approach him. They seem miffed...

...by Bowie's "friendly yet enigmatic" act.

"He's.....stoned", whispers D.S. This causes half the Message Boarders to start pulling their hair out, the other half to smile happily. Ah, the good ole days are here again for sure in their book, and perhaps Dave even has enough to go 'round for everyone.

"No, he's just incredibly happy because his junk bond deal came off and he's RICH RICH RICH", suggests another voice. This causes half the Message Boarders to sulk sullenly (roughly speaking, the same half which just seconds ago had such high hopes of getting stoned) and the other (now totally hairless half) to visibly cheer up, "Good for him", "Nothing wrong with the spondoolicks", "Not bad for a boy from South London".

Hel, who alone remained in the middle, in a group of one, between the other two groups, seemed unconvinced.

"David, why are you so .... so.... so...." "friendly yet enigmatic", finishes Fed Up, miraculously materializing on the scene with exactly the right words (as ever).

David thinks about this. Better level with them, he thinks. Look at all the trouble deception has gotten him into in recent days.

"Well, you see, I'm actually God".

"Oh!" says everyone. Someone mutters "off his rocker", DS crows "I knew he was stoned" and someone else says "Nothing wrong with being God. Not bad for a boy from South London".

"Or, at least, I am for the next 23 hours, 54 minutes and 17 seconds", adds David, checking his Rolex.

"We see", say the hairless ones, backing away. They back so far away they disappear over a hill, but they can still be heard squabbling. "Off his rocker I tell you!" "Well, maybe, there might be...." "Now you're off your rocker". After a few minutes of this, they decide to take advantage of their tactical withdrawal to go off and procure wigs to cover their hairless shame.

"Maybe when we come back, everything will be alright", suggests someone.

"Yeah, the ostrich strategy" mutters someone else darkly.

Meanwhile, back with Dave and his disciples, Dave is trying to explain the situation to a crowd of blank faces.

"Yes, you see, urm, well, I'm God. It's tricky really"

"Tricky is really God?", asks D.S., now totally confused "I thought he was only Nearly God".

"Still, should be okay, I'll just stay here with you lot and you can make sure I don't sin in the next 23 hours, 47 minutes 14 seconds", Bowie says brightly.

His face darkens.

"Damn, I've just thought of one snag".

"What?" asks Hel, although it's not clear whether she is responding to Dave's last utterance or continuing a pattern of saying "What?" every 3 seconds (according to Dave's Rolex) since she heard Bowie proclaim himself to be God.

"Well....." he continues. "You KNOW you've ALWAYS been a really TERRIBLE INFLUENCE on me, Hel! I'm not sure about this staying sinless business. You've never been exactly the calm sort!" Hel sulks, knowing David is right. But suddenly, she realizes there is a sneaky way out of all this (as usual!) "Wait" she cautions..."did God actually list off the things you're NOT supposed to do?" "No" replies David "He just said I should remain sinless or the universe might implode" "Oh that old threat" jeers Hel. "He never means it!" Just then Margot comes running over, her blonde curls bouncing merrily. David begins to think very sinful thoughts! But he is interrupted by D.S., who's still trying to organize a party. David gives up, turning back to the Doctor. "Do you think we could, well, sort of sneak off and leave these Message Board people behind?" David asks the Doctor. "Could we just sort of sneak off in the Tardis?" The Doctor nods wisely. "Good idea. These people are notoriously unruly, and you'll do much better for the next 23 hours 45 minutes and 2 seconds without them." David is inclined to agree. Besides, he must return to Picewa soon. His crew is there, and they all need to leave for Manhattan, since he's planned to play at Madison Square Garden January 9th. He can't exactly back out of it, since tickets are going on sale Dec. 16th at 9, and that's just a few days off. With all that money invested in this show, he really can't chance the universe imploding, even if Hel and D.S. do throw rather amusing parties!! The troop of MB fans falls to arguing over the list of '10 worst sins' while David and the Doctor slowly edge toward the TARDIS, unnoticed......

...by all except the myopic Ramona. She twirls her ponytail with her left hand (having been one of the group of MBers to retain her hair, since she alone has really perfected the fine art of hair pulling) and interrupts the Top Ten List of Sin discussion to calmly announce: "HEY, David's trying to get away. If he doesn't wanna sin with us, I say we CRUCIFY HIM!!! Teach him to pick New York over California." Ramona pulls out a huge-ass hammer and some nails that she happens to have in her back pocket. The MBers turn as one towards David and the Doctor, who...

make a flying leap toward the TARDIS, hoping to outmaneuver the MB crowd. The faithful fanatics following are not to be denied, however. Ramona grabs the back of David's pants, hauling him back just as he gains the TARDIS door. The Doctor, not realizing David didn't get aboard, takes off in a flash of light, leaving poor David stranded with the angry crowd of MB-ers. Meanwhile, there are only 23 hours, 12 minutes and 3 seconds left of David's stint at the GOD job. And so far he hasn't managed to get much done. He turns to face the angry mob. "We hear you're playing a show...on a THURSDAY, too! Don't you know we have to work?" complains D.S. "Yes, you are being so inconsiderate again" whines Hel. "What about L.A.????" demands Ramona. "Don't you realize I rearranged my whole LIFE just to see you at the Shoreline?" David backs away toward a small belt of trees, wishing he was back in Picewa. Margot sulks, wishing the others would just disappear, so she can get back to those energetic tonguey kisses with her favorite sinful rocker. And her fairy godmother is listening, because in a flash, Hel, D.S. and the others disappear, leaving only David and Margot. "Well" wishes David, "if I'm going to succeed at this GOD thing, you'll have to go too!" he says to her. Stunned with grief, Margot obligingly disappears. "Well now, that's better!" thinks David. "No temptations, no parties....maybe I can do this!" He sits on a small rock, wondering what advantages there are to his new job. "I could talk to the dead", he thinks to himself. Pulling the GOD cell-phone from his pocket, he dials God's personal manager. "I'll be wanting to see John Lennon, Elvis, and that Jim Morrison fellow, just after lunch" he announces. "Set it up. That Cobain lad, too. And send my car and driver! I'm stranded here in this bloody alien place, and I don't feel like walking all the way back to God's office!" "Gotcha, will do!" replies St. Peter. David waits for the limo, thinking of good questions for John and Elvis. Can he somehow pull it off to have THEM make guest appearances at his upcoming birthday bash at the Garden? THAT would make news, and the Stones could never one-up him on THIS one!...

A rumbling sound is heard in the distance. The still insane Message Boarders, David Bowie, and the Doctor look toward the sunset. The sun seems to melt into the Earth like wax off a birthday candle. They all rub their eyes as if what they see could be mass hysteria. The rumbling became louder and louder until they all saw what was happening. The Earth was imploding! A swirling vortex sucked rock, dirt, trees, and mountains into its great mouth. Everyone was stunned as they saw the head of death inevitably approaching. The Message Boarders turned to run, but they were frozen. The suction from the giant head was too fierce for them to resist! David cried out in pain as he cut his hand on a piece of rock that he was trying to hold onto in order to escape death's head. They were all sucked up by the black hole like the spilt mess of a five year old after a plate of oatmeal. They seemed to fall forever and ever into the nothingness. They could only distinguish each other from their individual cries. Suddenly the realized that they were not falling, but they were simply floating! They felt the cool wind push up against their bodies along with the equal pressure of the gravity above them. Still angry with David, the Message Boarders began taking nails and piercing the nearest figure to them. When one of them hit David, they would know because they all knew his individual cry of pain. After a series of unsuccessful body piercings in unthought of places the message boarders became quite confused. They pierced themselves and the doctor, but where was David. Then they fell to the ground. As they lifted up their bloody heads, they saw him. He was as beautiful as ever. He had his hair spiked and bright red, and he wore a white patent leather outfit even more breathtaking than anything he wore in his Ziggy Stardust days. He also wore a lovely pair of white high heeled pointy toed shoes. The Message Boarders stared at David in envy as he helped each one of them up to their feet. All of their faces were red from anger. David folded his arms and said, "How can anyone of you be angry with me? I have given you everything? At one point in each of your lives, I came to you; either in your dreams or in an encounter by other means. I saved each of you! You were all were alone at one time in your lives! You were all lost, but I saved you. I saved your lives. I was always there when you needed me. All you had to do was close your eyes, and I would be there. I have always been there for you. I was the shepherd, and you are my sheep! After all I've done for you. After all I've given to you, how can you honestly be angry?" They were all shocked. They all realized that David was right. Even though he is simply a human being like themselves, he was their link. He was that diamond in the rough. They turned to each other and through telekinesis, they knew what had to be done. They removed the nails from each other's bodies, turned towards David who was looking so perfect and innocent, and........

Ramona is the first to fall at His feet and beg forgiveness. Her profuse tears (mixed with her running mascara) bathe her Saviour's white high heel pointy toed shoes. When she realizes that she's streaking them and that He'll look tres uncool with such messy looking shoes, she wipes at them with her hair. Still kneeling before the Anointed One With The Golden Circle In The Middle Of His Forehead, she pulls out a latex skullcap and makes the ultimate sacrifice by donning it; thus by the wearing of the Latex Skullcap shall His acolytes be known and feared throughout the length and breadth of the land. Looking up in awe, she meekly says, "When I believed in nothing, You called my name. I should have never forgotten that. Please forgive me for doubting You. God moves in mysterious ways (and You look damn good while doing so, I might add); who am I to question Your wisdom?" She turns to her fellow MBers with a great sense of peace, knowing that He will never let her down (OK, maybe that once, but He was under the influence of the 80s and that was enough to break even the strongest of wills). The other MBers...

...also pull out latex skullcaps and don them - all except for Hel, who stands alone to one side, pouting. "What is it my child?" asks The Most High Dave, recovering his former friendly yet enigmatic expression. "Antoine ignored my story episode and everyone's just, just... GOING ALONG WITH IT!!! I've poured my heart and soul into this goddamn (sorry Dave) Message Board and what do my so-called cyber-friends do in return? David, if you love me at all, MAKE THEM STOP! MAKE THEM STOP!" Hel throws herself to the ground beside Ramona and sobs. Her whole body shakes as years of frustration, longing and disappointment pour out at Dave's feet. Finally, her sobbing subsides. She opens her swollen eyes and looks about her. She sees Ramona first, lying beside her wearing an expression of deep empathy and compassion beneath her latex skull cap. The other MB'ers wear similar expressions tinged variously with notes of perplexity, concern and encouragement. Dave seems... friendly yet enigmatic. He bends his lips to Hel's ear and speaks:

"Helen, my child. Do you understand now? There is room for all my children on the Message Board. Even those who send The Story in Strange and Unnatural directions." He straightens up and looks about him at the solemn-faced latex heads. He lights a ciggy.

"Right. I'm going to try something really God-like now since there are only 60 minutes left before I have to hand back the reigns. Hel, you want to go back to your episode two follow-ups ago before Antoine mysteriously brought you all back and imploded the world, do you? Where were we then? That's right, we were on a recently greened Alien planet. The Doctor had absented himself from us with his Tardis, and all of you had... DISAPPEARED!"

He stubs out his cigarette, flashes a disarmingly wanton smile at the Message Boarders, claps his hands, and the lot of them disappear.

Dave is alone once more on his planet. He sits down, happy in the knowledge that he's transported all of his beloved MBers to the Madison Square Garden mosh pit.

"I'll just have a little nap," he thinks "and then as my final God-like manoeuvre, I'll transport myself to New York in time for the Birthday Bash."

He closes his eyes...