Chapter: 1 2
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15 16 17
18 19 20
The following is an ongoing work of composite fiction by
contributors from the Message Board. Due to the erratic nature of
its construction the editors apologize for any omissions or lack of
attribution to the proper authors. This story is on-going and will be
archived here periodically. For current chapters, comments, or to
add you own chapter, please visit the Message Board. This story is
a work of fiction. Names have been changed to protect the guilty
and any similarity to actual events is purely coincidental.
Ziggy casts an appraising eye over David's once again spiky red
hair. "You're not wearing enough make-up to go with that haircut,
you know. Couldn't you have picked a *different* wig style this
time?" asks Ziggy and before David can respond Mr. Stardust
himself pulls out an Alladin Sane lightning bolt-shaped sticker and
slaps it onto David's forehead. The impact of the blow causes
David to blackout momentarily.
When David regains consciousness he notices that something is
quite amiss. He is no longer in the pod, and his past manifestations
are nowhere to be seen. In fact, everything is strangely black and
white. David finds himself on a crowded street where everybody
around him moves in jerky, pixilated motions that are meant to
suggest REALLY old stock movie footage. For the first time David
notices that he is now dressed in ill-fitting, baggy trousers and an
itchy-looking overcoat. A newsboy's cap that has seen better days
sits on his now noticeably darker mousy brown hair. Slowly colors
start seeping back in and the common folk around him start to move
normally. A long line of giant brown bottles marches by him. "Oh
no," says David, "it can't be. This can't be post-war Berlin during
the Weimar Republic! I just CAN'T be stuck in Just a Gigolo
again!!" The large pig under his arm looks up at David with his little
beady eyes and oinks in such a way that David indeed knows that
he has been sucked into his one movie that could put all of Elvis's
collective movies to shame. The pig wears a collar with the name
*Homer* engraved upon it. "None of this would have ever
happened if I'd picked California over New York. I really mustn't let
Iman bully me around so." David looks around, trying to figure out
how to get out of this nightmare when a large group of
desperate-looking characters starts closing around him. He rushes
off and the crowd follows; he is about to yell his immortal line
having to do with getting your own pig when...
SPLASH!! Dave and his alter-egos are thrown about the escape
pod. "Oh good, we're here", says David, realising he's just been
having one of his LSD flashbacks. He opens the hatch and looks
about him, admiring the flowers Margot has planted in her back
yard since his last visit. He and his alter-egos climb out on top of
the pod and dog paddle to the edge of Margot's pool. Margot
comes to the door with several fresh, fluffy towels. "Get your wet
gear off, guys, and dry off". They happily oblige and follow Margot
into the house. "Hot chocolate, scotch or this nice Barossa Valley
Cabernet Merlot?" she asks them. They all opt for the wine. "I
thank you" says Dave, then, "Hold on a tick" and he sets off for
Margot's bedroom. He quickly returns with the old 12 string Margot
keeps under her bed. He then goes to the freezer, takes the
snowpeas out and puts them in the customized microwave he had
sent her a while back. He sets the microwave to "defrost" and
presses "start". The microwave begins to play Joni Mitchell's
"Amelia" from the brilliant "Hejira" album. He sits down and plays
along, he and the alter-egos and Margot, singing at the top of their
lungs! How happy they all are! Then Margot says: "David, I hope
you don't mind, but I invited some friends." She opens the
bathroom door. Out file the 17,000 MSG fans, led by the Doctor
(who had been moshing at the birthday concert and who had
rescued everybody on his Tardis soon after Dave had escaped in
Cane Toad Jack here doing the live report from WXXY in Margot's
home town - Boomsville, Australia. Yes everyone round here
knows that pretty young lady's name after David Bowie, Doctor
Who, and 17,000 blokes from New York City crash landed in her
back yard. After it became apparent WHY the fans were eyeing the
natives in such a friendly way Emergency Rations were immediately
flown in by helecopter to feed the mostly starved mass. The guvner
has declared a state of emergency for the entire district until
something can be done to get the fans cleared away. There seems
to be one problem though: they don't want to leave. Why is that we
asked? Screamed back at us from thousands of partially full mouths
was the reply -"WE WAN OO SAAY WIHH MARHOO AN
OOIEE" Therefore, live from our very own studio in Boomsville, we
bring to you, you guessed it, David Bowie and Margot, in order to
ask them, very nicely, to leave and take their portable audience with
them. Now to the studio-the interview will be conducted by a new
addition to our staff - Eiwob Divad "G'day Mr. Bowie and Margot."
[Divad's voice] What do you have to say for yourselves? ahem,
What I mean is...(shriek)HOW LONG CAN YOU STAY????!!!!!" At
which point pandemonium erupts,
Hel...."at last, we have him trapped!" Matt, Trinia, Dave G. from Oz,
Harry, Bruce and thousands of their friends all storm the studio,
threatening to take David hostage unless he finally plays a concert
series Downunder....Kirsten and Paul, brandishing heavy firepower,
further demand dates for New Zealand, where Earthling has
promised many rounds of free fruity drinks for all, if David will
ONLY play a couple of dates for the Kiwi crowd. Evan Torrie tries
to intervene in a diplomatic capacity, since he is there with the
original group from the MSG show. Evan is not too hungry....he
and Ramsey having devoured that giant blue eyeball that just
happened to self-destruct in their vicinity during the orignal MSG
show. David holds up one weary hand. His voice is still tired from
entertaining those alter-egos for endless hours. But the throng of
long-deprived Kiwis and the Australian contingent are not to be
denied. Wondering how he is going to get out of THIS one, David
steps forward to speak to his devoted yet hostile minions. He puts
that familiar 'friendly yet enigmatic' expression onto his chiselled
features (still looking damned good for 50) and says....
"We'll start with New South Wales: a tour of regional Retired
Servicemen's League Clubs, long acoustic sets with lots of cheery
chatting from me between songs, then 7 or 8 small shows in various
Sydney suburbs before 3 or 4 bigger concerts. Then Victoria..." he
continues in this vein for half an hour, concluding with "Fuck it,
let's all just move here! Sure Australia is the arse end of the
universe and nothing ever happens here, but the weather's great!"
and more cheers. There were five minutes where nothing could be
heard over the roaring. As the sound began to die some, the crowd
began to be aware of one that wasn't there before.
RRRRRRRRRRRing!!!!!! As that sound died away absolute silence
was left in its place. again, RRRRRRRRRing!!! Then someone
whispered "Don't answer IT" David perhaps? Thousands hold their
breath and watch in slow motion as Margot reaches to answer the
phone. The tension was so high stepping on it would have required
a foothold of some sort, like maybe the moon. "Hello?" .......
"Uh-huh, he's here." Margot hands the phone to David. David
wipes his palms on his shirt and takes the receiver. "Yes?....Oh
hello darling." Some of the Message Boarders begin to cry softly.
"Why of course I-......How could you think I'd forget-........As soon
as I can, dear. ... Yes. See you soon. Goodbye" Huge cries of
wrenching agony are torn from the throats of all. They fall, ripping
at their clothes and hair. David tries to calm people down. They
appear inconsolable. "But!!!" he yells over the lamenting, "She just
told me not to forget that Save the Children thing!!" Symptoms of
total shock and disbelief are now displayed. "And SHE'S coming
HERE to be with ME!" Needless to say that the party started
immediately and lasted all night and will probably gain legendary
status throughout the world. But THAT...is another story.
I wouldn't really mess up the story. I just wanted some attention.
luv on ya all!
We luv you too, just because DAVID does....BUT you really
SHOULD have either come with us after MSG to Stingy Lulu's OR
invited us over to Schnabel's....actually, it was more fun at Stingy
Lulu's!!! But Minerva might have cut you out with David, so I'd
watch out if I were you! Minerva is, after all, a certified GODDESS!
Hel P.S. Why did you post out of sequence? If you need internet
lessons, I'm sure someone here would oblige (not me!) Hel ]
Hel..... "I think I should have some say in this" pipes up Iman. She
had been standing in a nearby corner all along, but most had
mistakenly taken her for exotic statuary or another promotion
gimmick. "I already dumped that place in Mustique....why would we
want to move HERE??" An ominous growl arises from the crowd,
particularly the Pacific contingent. The faithful MBers are not going
to take any guff from Iman. But suddenly, another figure claws her
way through the crowd, knocking Trinia rudely aside. "Oh GOD,
not ANGELA!" screams David, stepping between Iman and his ex,
whom he has purportedly NOT spoken to in over a decade. Iman
sulks, while Angela's eyes flash dangerously, and she pulls a tiny
control box from her pocket. "The Doctor gave me a TARDIS
remote control, DAVE, and if you don't do as I say, I'm going to
USE it to...."
disrupt the entire space-time continuum of Australia." She then
wheels around to the MSG fans and screams, "I'll get you, my
pretties..." and, turning to Margot's dog "and your little dog ToTo,
too!" Cackling, and wheezing intermittently, Angie starts for the
door of the Tardis, dragging her bum leg behind her.
Scccrape...thud. Sccccrape...thud. Angie knew that if she could get
David away from The Stick and the MSG fans, she could make him
love her like he once did. Yes, she could make him stroke and
caress her now crust-encased teeth with his tongue like he used to.
Or at least, she might be able to get a better divorce settlement out
of him (the Jagger story only got her to the Joan Rivers show after
all). As she reached the Tardis door, she turned abruptly, and
something astonishing happened...
::Angie begins spinning quite rapidly in place. When she stops she
is no longer dressed in her best Margaret Hamilton/Wicked Witch
of the West garb. No indeed, she is now decked out in a frightening
vision of star-spangled panties, red knee boots, and a
cleavage-exposing top that has sparked the fantasy of many a
lusting lad. Her retro '70s' do is topped by a tiara made of brass, and
there are matching brass handcuffs at her wrists. Her magic lasso
dangles from her hip. "Finally," she croaks out triumphantly, "I AM
WONDER WOMAN!!!" She unfurls her lasso and is about to whip
it in David's direction when...
Someone wielding a riding crop delivers a sharp blow to
Angie/Wonder Woman's posterior, who drops her whip and
screeches. Angie turns to find herself face to muzzle with a fierce
looking one-eared female minotaur. Lady Artist Minotaur speaks,
"First it was Hermione (ruining my chance with David in the bar),
and now it's you! Don't you know you're not wanted? You have no
more right to him than any of us! Quit living in the past and forget
him; or join our ranks and worship from afar!" "Never! He was mine
once - he'll be mine again! Ha ha ha ha! You may have beaten
Hermione but you'll never whip me!" Angie crows triumphantly.
"Oh yeah?" With that Lady Artist Minotaur picks up Wonder
Woman's whip and begins whipping her...
David steps forward after several minutes of savouring Angie's
painful predicament. "Stop!" he orders. "She may be totally burnt
out, and I may be ignoring her till the end of time (or the 12th of
Never, whichever comes first... hmmm, I have to check that one with
Coco)... ahem, well, if she agrees to don the latex skullcap and wear
it ALWAYS... we should let her go". But Lady Artist Minotaur is
not so easily convinced.....
(in part because those latex skullcaps just don't fit her horned
..and she's not at all certain that David REALLY, deep down inside,
wants her to stop beating Angie. Angie, foaming at the mouth,
turns to David and screeches "You can NEVER rid yourself of me! I
MADE Bowie a household name! I have more dirty laundry stories
up my sleeve! Do you really think that the Jagger story is the
WORST that I can do?! Depravity shall run rampant! I have another
book deal, you pitiful fool, you! Do you think that I shall ever bow
to your will?!" Lady Artist Minotaur snorts mightily and stamps her
left hoof and is about to lash out on the former Miss Barnett when
she remembers David's command. David sees the questioning look
in Lady Artist Minotaur's eyes, and he winks (with his bad eye) at
her. At this point, he claps his hands and summons forth Ramona
(who, having recently dusted off her passport, after overcoming her
fear of sheep and Vegemite, has finally made the loooong trip to
Australia). "You know what to do, my child," he tells Ramona, and
she immediately takes off her latex skullcap (it was terribly
uncomfortable and restraining, and it is oh so hard for her to do
this, but Her Master hath decreed that this should be so). Taking
aim, she slingshots the latex skullcap at Angie with a loud *boing!*
which is followed by an oh so satisfying *SMACK!!!* as it slaps
Angie on the face. David says...
"Oh, Ramona. Oh, Ramona, Ramona, ona, Ramona. Raaaamona."
"David, is there something wrong?" says Ramona.
Bowie places the palm of his hand against his forehead. "I don't
know. I suddenly feel quite unwell. Hold me, Ramona."
Ramona takes hold of Bowie.
Ramona tightens her grip.
"Hold me closer."
Ramona pulls Bowie closer. Bowie nestles his face into her
Bowie's clothes fall to the ground. Ramona holds her arms
outstretched and looks about, astonished.
Bowie rubs his eyes. A car horn blares at him. He is standing in the
middle of a city street.
"Get out of the way, yah dumb fuck!" screams a driver. Bowie
makes his way to the safety of a sidewalk and walks down
managing himself into the crowd. He checks his pockets. He rubs
his tongue against his teeth. He stops to examine the reflection of
his face in a store front window. "Oh no," he says just before
loosing all balance and collapsing.
"It's alright, Mr. Bolton," says the young nurse on duty seeing the
pop star slowly open his eyes.
"You've had a bit of a nasty spill. You fainted and hit your head."
"I hit my head," mutters the Bolton form.
"And," the nurse admits, "A small mutt took a leak on you while
you were down, but not to worry. Scappy does that to all the
no-talent pop stars."
Bolton's blue hospital clothes fall empty on the bed. The young
nurse looks aghast. She gets up and parades around the room
stamping her feet. "Why, me!" She starts crying, "I never get
anything I want. Mary Lou was always Mama's girl, and Daddy,
oh...Daddy scrubbed me too hard! I was going to give Michael the
biggest, bestest sponge bath he ever had. But no, the angels had to
come and take him away." She shakes her twisted fist into the air. "I
defy God! I shall have my no-talent pop star if it's the last thing..."
At this moment, Nurse Paddlebuns has a vision. She sees David
Bowie take form in her mind. "Well," she says sneering, "He's not
exactly what I had in mind. This boy's GOT talent." She takes a look
up at the heavens, eyeing the angels, and even taking a quick peek
at God. "But, if this is the best you're going to do for me, I guess it'll
be alright." God descends in a divine radiance of blinding light!
"How dare you speak to me like that," He grumbles. Nurse
Paddlebuns lies flat of the floor covering her face with her hands.
"Stop that! Don't cover your eyes! Haven't you seen Monty
Python And The Quest For The Holy Grail? What is wrong with
you?!" "I'm sorry, oh holy one. It's just that I've always wanted my
very own no-talent pop star.
Ever since I was a little girl, I used to sit home and stare up at the
moon and think of bad taste in music."
"You know your quest!" He shouts, "Now follow it. You want
Michael Bolton. Mary Lou wants Michael Bolton." "Mary Lou?
You're giving Bolton to Mary Lou?" "Of course not!" The earth's
surface trembles. "I'm giving her Thurston Moore. I've never liked
that girl! Her father treated her too... gently by my opinion." "Oh,
God, you are so right!" "Of course I'm right!" God tries to compose
himself. "Alright Nurse Paddlebuns. You know your mission."
Nurse Paddlebuns raises her right hand, "God-almighty. If it takes
the rest of my God-given life-" "Oh, cut the crap!" "If it takes the
rest, the rest of, the rest of my, my, my-" "Ah!" God screams. "I
can't take it anymore. If it takes the rest of your life you will find
Bowie. You will find him." "Yes, yes!" says Nurse Paddlebuns with
a small voice "but where do I start looking?" Oh...,OH ME!!! Do I
have to tell you EVERYTHING?!? "well that would be a help." says
the nurse. She is panting slightly. God throws a particularly
crushing stare in her direction, holds it for a few seconds, then
sighs. "You must find the Keymaster. I tell you only this: She posts
tantalizing messages hinting at the full extent of her knowledge
about Bowie's activities and whereabouts and her name begins with
the letter... nah, that would make it SO EASY!!! You can figure it out
easily enough. Even I do not know as much as she. You must gain
her assistance in your quest, OR YOU WILL FAIL! Go now and do
as I command.
God looks at his watch (digital w/calc).
"Got to fly. BYE!!!!" Nurse Paddlebuns sits down at the hospital's
computer terminal and logs on.
davidbowie.com/2.0/connections/bbs "oh man what a mess." she is
The somewhat... oh let's face facts... the completely ditzy
nurse...who is really a candy-striper or is that stripper...? who faked
her credentials... There is a higher probability of Dole getting a
sex-change, prancing around in women's underclothing singing
"Let's do the Time Warp again" before she would be capable of
passing her nurses exam. Never the less, the fake nurse, stands
looking at the computer screen completely dumbfounded. In an
ear-piercing shriek she calls God a few names, demanding of the OH
mighty one how the Hell she is going to find this all knowing
person? Well needless to say, God does not take very kindly to
this, and descends to her room quite rapidly. Once there Miss
Paddlebuns, demands God's help. God just looks at her with one
eyebrow cocked and says: "Lady, you're beyond my help ." He
points one of his many omnipotent fingers at her, and she is no
more. " And people ask for proof!!?? That has to count as a minor
Miracle." God lets out a deep sigh... "That's enough divine
intervention for today" God leaves. (Unknown to anyone, Miss
Paddlebuns evil sister Mary Lou is hiding in the dark corner...that is
ever so essential for an evil presence. "Heee...David Bowie, I could
find him and...) Meanwhile...A figure that...let's face it, has no sex
appeal what so ever, stares horrified into a mirror. " Oh God, I am so
sorry for whatever I did but surely it could not have been so bad as
to result in THIS as a punishment"!!! A wave of nausea over runs
David as he takes another peek into the mirror. God quickly
reappears " Oh yeah...so sorry, I forgot about you. Now let's see,
you need your body back... Bolton, if allowed to keep your body,
would set off a horrid chain reaction, resulting in the end of the
world. I just can't have that, not after all the work I have put into
this planet." David smiles happily at the thought of having his
body back. BOOM. God is gone, and David Bowie IS David Bowie
again. Bolton... well... that's another story. But alas poor Bowie has
no idea where he is!!! It appears to be a dark room with little light.
David takes a look around. All he can see is a huge round object.
As he walks closer he realizes to his delight that it is a BIG ball (15
feet tall) of multi-colored yarn.... for some inexplicable reason, this
makes David absolutely euphoric... perhaps because of unresolved
But David just can't help himself from....
grabbing the bright blue end hanging off of the giant ball of
multicolored string and then giving the ball it a HUGE KICK!!! "HI
YAAA-Ouch!! shit! Shit! SHIT!!" he cries when his little toesies
crashed into the unmoving bulk. Having done the swearing for the
deed he bends his shoulder to the ball and puts all his slight weight
to it. His efforts produce a light sweat and some labored breathing
but no rolling action. Does he change his tactics? Not David Bowie.
Weeellll, maybe just a little bit. He goes about preparing to sing the
ball into moving. His motivation for the deed is mighty odd, in fact,
he doesn't know it himself, all he knows is that he wants that string
in a straight line because he might need it that way later. Just as he
opens his mouth to let the power flow, his extreme concentration is
broken by a loud, deep snorting sound that echoes down many a
bending corridor before reaching him. It makes involuntary chills
crawl up his spine and cling on for life to his nape. It sounds like?
A bull of some sort? "Where am I", he thinks? "And why am I
wearing a toga?"