Teenage Wildlife

The Story Chapter Seven

Chapter: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21


The following is an ongoing work of composite fiction by contributors from the Message Board. Due to the erratic nature of its construction the editors apologize for any omissions or lack of attribution to the proper authors. This story is on-going and will be archived here periodically. For current chapters, comments, or to add you own chapter, please visit the Message Board. This story is a work of fiction. Names have been changed to protect the guilty and any similarity to actual events is purely coincidental.

**Ramona (Adulation! Humiliation MORE MORE MORE!!!!)

...the Fishman. He is holding a tray of fruity drinks. Even though the drinks have a faintly chartreuse glow to them, David reaches for one. The Fishman takes a drink to Ramona, who knocks the whole thing back in one shot.

"So, you really really want to know who killed Baby Grace?" she says. "Well, we've just had a bit of a snag concerning this whole sordid affair. You see, this little acolyte of mine {*pointing to the drone*} got the funny little idea in its head to tell the truth to David Jones. Unfortunately, it picked the wrong David Jones. As it turns out, it picked Davy Jones, former posterboy of the MonkeeGods". Ramona points to a go-go cage that is suspended from the ceiling in the corner of her room. "It's all rather tragic," Ramona says. "The drone told Davy Jones who killed Baby Grace, and I'm afraid the whole thing was a bit more than poor Davy could handle. Now all he does is moan softly and occasionally strikes his tambourine. But I keep him because he's a rather interesting conversation piece to have around the place." David takes a long sip of his fruity drink, eyeing the other Mr. Jones with a sense of compassion coupled with a *better him than me* tinge.

Ramona moves towards David, and all the feelings that he's harboured for her after all these years threaten to burst out, but he remains firm. "Cut the crap, and just tell me."

"Patience, my child, patience", she replies. "Of course I'll tell you. No point playing these little games any longer, as I've really tired of them."

Ramona leads David through a bead curtain that cuts off another corner of the room. In the center of the room is a large crystal ball. "All you have to do is look in it and it will tell you who Baby Grace was killed by."

David doesn't know whether he can really trust Ramona, but he's dying to know. So he peers into the crystal ball. Nothing is there. Then, ever so slowly, swirling colors start seeping in. But the picture is not at all clear.

"It's nothing, just a crystal," David says, and he is about to turn on Ramona when all of a sudden he sees something in the crystal ball. Looking closer, he sees that it is Ball of String.

"What the fuck" David begins and at that very second Ramona grabs a massive handful of hair and throws David to the ground. She straddles him and gives him the absolute MOTHER of all deeply-probing, highly-energetic tonguey kisses. Her technique could put Monte's to shame. Not even David's own performances with Yorick back in '74 and the early '80s could match her expertise. During the kiss, various images cross both their minds (fireworks exploding, waves crashing against the shore, toast popping up from toasters, farmers milking their cows...you get the picture). After an eternity of deep pleasure, Ramona's lips leave David's. She smiles down on him with her razor-sharp, whiter-than-white smile.

"Oh Ramona," David says, "there IS something between us other than our stoves."

Ramona bends down to lightly nip at David's left ear. In a voice that could make angels weep she whispers, "Yes....my darling....it's *clothes* my darling,*clothes*....after all these years, I can't lie to myself anymore. David, there's something I've always wanted to say ....TAG!! YOU'RE IT!!!!" she screams in his ear as she give his hair one last good pull. She leaps up and races to a door in yet another corner. Momentarily stunned, David gets up and rushes through the door that Ramona went through. But when it closes behind him, he notices right away that something is wrong. Ramona is nowhere to be seen. But Ball of String is there. And when he looks behind him, the door is gone. He hears a CLOMP CLOMP, and a mighty tail swish lifts the toga that he is once again wearing.

Starluck (I'm sucha dunce!....)

Bowie looks behind him (Is it the Minotaur?)

Suddenly he falls feet-first into a trap door that opened when the ball shifted. He falls on his feet and the velocity makes him crumple and fall to the floor. "OUCH! Is pain always a factor in stories like this?!", he rubs his feet with a scowl on his face, his teeth shine like a light in the darkness of the new room. He realizes this only when he closes his mouth. After a dumb-founded pause Bowie gives a grimace and his teeth illuminate with all fractions of light and he manages to guide himself around carrying a ghastly grin.

Suddenly, a rather large bulky creature trudges awkwardly to him from behind, its breath heavy as its lumbering feet drag its massive body towards him. Bowie, who now has HORRIDLY dry teeth so that his upper lip is stuck to his gums turns around and sees the reflections in the eyes of the creature who must stand about seven feet tall. He thinks for the worst and waits. "Hallo, sir," a charming voice says. "Could you offer me some assistance?". Bowie furrows his brow at this, his eyes roll about in their sockets as he searches his brain for an idea (he certainly DOES a lot of thinking, don't you think?) and he finally gives in with a nod.

"Yesshhh? I hofff you'll ethcuth me, my teeff are horiffly dry."

The monster, who looks like some cheap psuedo-minotaur, clutches its hands politely and continues.

"Would you by any chance by David Bowie?". Bowie boggles for a moment and replies.

" Yessshhh, why thoo you athk?".

The monster (who is wearing a concert t-shirt and various paraphernalia of the pale-skinned god) says "Well sir, I was wondering if you knew where you were." Bowie squelches for a moment his frustration.

"No, and iff I did, would I fee tho uffset?!" The monster, a bit hurt, replies "No, sir, I suppose not, but do take into account, sir, that you are in a place to put people to forget about them?"

"NO! Not another Lafferynth sffin-off!" Bowie grimaces an uglier grimace at this. "Good heffans! What nethtt? Thank you tho mush for that infformashun I thin I'll fee on my way."

Bowie walks off with teeth as dry as my comedy and finds himself a door. A LOCKED door, at that. With a burst of energy, he kicks down the door to end up in a Technicolor landscape with little grass huts, huge plastic flowers, and it all seems hauntingly familiar. "Dear GOD!" Bowie licks his teeth, "I'm in OZ!!"

He walks in nervously and looks about for someone he knows. Suddenly from the sky a pink bubble starts floating in. HORRIFIED, Bowie pulls up a plastic-stemmed flower and uses it as a bat. He heaves and tosses the flower at the bubble and the bubble ruptures and pops, spilling out its contents-GLINDA!!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"......WUMP!!....The good pink witch falls to her hideous death. "Oh, shit," Bowie says in a whisper, and Munchkins pop out all squealing in terror.

"You killed her," they bleated like tiny lambs, "You killed Glinda! Now you must take her place! Are you a good witch or a bad witch?"

Bowie, utterly frustrated, pulls out yet another flower and beats the Munchkins off as they start chanting their newest song: "Eyes of bats, toads, and lizards, Glinda fell, out with her gizzards! Eyes of newts and tails of chicken, we are left terror stricken!!"

Bowie is near to tears with their shrill song....."NOOOOO!! You wretched little imps!" he beats a few around as he takes the RED brick road (didn't you ever wonder where that one went? We'll soon see!!.

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This document last updated Saturday, 15-Apr-2000 15:37:50 EDT
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