Teenage Wildlife

The Story Chapter Nine

Chapter: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21


The following is an ongoing work of composite fiction by contributors from the Message Board. Due to the erratic nature of its construction the editors apologize for any omissions or lack of attribution to the proper authors. This story is on-going and will be archived here periodically. For current chapters, comments, or to add you own chapter, please visit the Message Board. This story is a work of fiction. Names have been changed to protect the guilty and any similarity to actual events is purely coincidental.

Dave maintains his cool: "Big Mama," he asks, "have you heard of in-breeding? Granted I could happily populate your tribe with strapping young Bowettes, but as your tribe's offspring would all be half-siblings, the NEXT generation would be hideous gibbering mutants with little hunting prowess, meagre musical talent, and even less personal grace, elegance and taste."

Big Mama stares, bug-eyed, at Dave's sweaty crotch, and grunts.

Dave proceeds: "I know where you can find a whole tribe of lusty young pop icons who can inject just the genetic vigour you're looking for into your tribe's population. They're just over there..." Dave nods decisively towards a clump of scrubby eucalyptus, "at www.stones.com."

Big Mama looks doubtful. "You will take me to this www.stones.com", she says, "but first, you must...


: "...excuse me, Big Mama," says Muffy, the Grand Vizier to She Who Must Be Obeyed. "Listen not to the vile lies told by this Man. I've been to www.stones.com, and it is a Place of Evil. Lecherous old Men who think nothing of corrupting the sanctity of fair young maids". With this, Flopsy, Mopsy, and Cottontail (Big Mama's ladies in waiting) shriek with groupie hysterics. Big Mama silences them with a grunt and a slight wave of her hand. "At least, they try to tantalize women," Muffy continues. "They promise sinful delights, which no Wild Woman worth her skimpy male-fantasy-inducing-and-entirely-impractical-warrior's garb will admit to in public. Once upon a time they were successful, but the Keepers of Time have not been kind to them. Years of debauchery have sapped them of their store of *genetic vigor*. I just think that this Man {*pointing to Dave*} is just trying to come up with ANY excuse to divert our attention from our more immediate needs."

"You speak wisely, Muffy" Big Mama says. "Bring the scales so that this Man may be weighed. We must know how big of a tray we will need for the dawn auction. Probably not a very big one, since he's pretty skinny." Just then...

Margot (A Tiger):

... a tiger, wearing a twin-set from the MSG merchandise stand, one pair of ruby slippers, and one pair of fluffy bunny slippers, pokes his head around the corner of Big Mama's hut. He quickly sums up the situation and tippy-toes, unseen, back into the shrubbery where his pals are waiting for his report. "OK, here's the plan, all youse blokes and sheilas," (there are 17,000 of them - the crowd from the MSG concert whom The Doctor had brought to Sydney in his Tardis a few days earlier) "I'm going to take all my clothes off," the tiger continues, "and streak through the camp. At the sight of a streaker, Big Mama and her terrible tribe will become disoriented and think that they're at a cricket match. At which point, the rest of youse'll complete the diversion by starting up a Mexican wave. Any questions?"

"Yes, Lady Artist Minotaur?" "When do I get to coat David in jalapeno chocolate sauce?" Lady Artist Minotaur looks hungrily in the direction of the amazon camp.


As soon as we rescue him from these Outback hussies!" replies the tiger looking curiously like D.S. in disguise). "But....I'm HUNGRY! That was a danged small Koala we roasted over at Ball o' Strings place" complains Lady Artist Minotaur. "Patience, my child" replies our tiger. "We've got a pizza order on the way, and we MUST get back to the studio soon! EIWOB DIVAD is getting impatient. Now STREAK, you hussies!!" orders the tiger. Meanwhile, poor David is being trussed up for the sacrifice. He is quite unhappy, since he prefers those kinky designer bondage outfits to these rude ropes the Outback girlies are using. For the first time he finds himself wishing the MBers weren't all passed out back at Ball's place. "If only" he wishes....

**Ramona (My name is called Disturbance):

"...Lady Artist Minotaur HAD covered me in jalapeno chocolate sauce. It leaves such a slick residue, and then I'd be able to wiggle out of these cheap ropes." Muffy pokes at David's rear, shakes her head, and whispers something in Big Mama's ear. "If you think it's best, then we will use use a smaller tray. I didn't think Men could be so scrawny." Just then, from the other side of the scrubby eucalyptus trees, comes a massive *wah-wah* which sounds like it's coming from the world's largest (and most out of tune) slide guitar and a band of totally stoned and very horny reprobates from www.stones.com stumble towards the town center of the Lost Tribe. "Wild Women! Wild Women! We gots to have Wild Women, oh yeeeeaaaaahhhhh!!" they drawl out in really bad approximations of Southern accents. Half of the www.stones.com dudes take long swigs from their bottles of Jack Daniels while the other half leer at the Wild Women. Bunny lets out a war cry, and before you know it Wild Women left and right are pulling out their poison darts from their neat hiding places in between their cleavage and brandishing their razor-sharp ultra-cool boomerangs just like the one that the Feral Kid in the Road Warrior had (the one that chops your fingers off if you try to catch it). "Now's our chance!" says the Tiger. "With their attention diverted, it'll be no problem to get David out of there." Ramona pouts, having missed out on her opportunity to streak and....

**Margot: (Please read the previous chapters before posting.... We're currently in the middle of a somewhat complicated scene with a pack of wild Amazon women, in Australia's outback, with the Rolling Stones, all the Message Boarders (including you), and the entire crowd from the MSG concert. Dave is to be put to stud and then raffled as a meat tray in the morning - or will he be rescued?)

Ramona quickly devises another way to draw attention to herself! As the other Message Boarders do a mad dash toward the tree David is is suspended from Ramona looks for...yes there!! - finds that perfect vine- you know, the one on the metal track, -she quickly puts one delicate foot in the handy loop at the end and Woooosh!! a nice long Tarzan scream "OOOAAAHHHOOOOOAHHHOOOOOOOoooooo" punctuates the 'woooosh' in two places. She reaches David's place of restrainment before anyone... Meanwhile, things are looking ugly for the stones.com hoard. Maybe if they would have bathed, maybe if they would have shut up, maybe if they weren't drunk, they might have survived. But hey, this ain't rock and roll, this is genocide! The Tribe had a BIG auction that morning. The Amazons raised enough money to get most of the Tribe artificially inseminated, which they preferred anyway. As the Message Boarders are racing madly to reach David, they hear Ramona's eerie cry and run even faster. They arrive just in time to see...

**Magienoire Torrent (uh oh, first time & already a control freak!! ):

David disappear in a flash of blinding white light!!

David is surrounded for a few brief moments by swirling colours which tingle like dew on his arms, and suddenly he finds himself in a large place, far far away from Australia, the Message Boarders, the MSG folks, Amazons, the www.stones.com drunkards, tigers, and anyone else who has been torturing him during the past few hours. He rubs his sore wrists, which have deep red grooves on them from the many times in the past few few episodes in which he'd been bound, those last cheap ropes being the worst, and mutters a complaint about how many damn places the writers have transported him so far for no good reason.

His ears attune first to what is going on around him. He hears the sounds of a very large s chorus singing in perfect harmony, millions of voices swelling and mingling together with perfect unity. He peers around at his surroundings next, finding that he is in a very large, very WHITE place, full of light and many people gathering a little while away. From some point in a sky that isn't a sky is a glowing light which pulses "It's almost... almost... HEAVENLY!" David exclaims, disgusted at the horrible cliche of heaven that was being presented to him.

A voice booms from the source of light, causing it to change into a more yellowish hue.


"Inspectors?!" says David, just a bit confused. "NEVER MIND." the music screeches to a halt, and the heavenly scene splits down the middle, opening to curtain to reveal a plush office with red carpeting, a mahogany desk, and a fire burning in the fireplace, all in all a very cosy room. And sitting behind this lovely desk iiiissss sss *suspense,suspense!* GEORGE BURNS! still puffing on his cigar, even though he's quite dead (not that that's a factor in this story!).

"Oh GOD!" David exclaims, wishing whoever has their hands on the keyboard would just stop with the bad jokes before things get too incredibly ridiculous (though it's a bit to late for that!). George chuckles, and David just shakes his head, and curses himself for leaving his cigarettes in his toga...


David covers his ears and winces, since the Voice of God is very loud when you're standing next to him.

"Sorry. Anyway, your 24 hours are up! I had a very relaxing vacation in that alternate dimension, and, even though you DID implode the world that once, we all make mistakes and you will be forgiven."

"Awww, but I barely got to do ANYTHING as God!" David whines, stamping his foot. "Those DAMN Message Boarders, MSG, the Amazons, the-"

"QUIT WHINING!" George booms at David angrily, making him stumble backwards. "You had plenty of time! Hell, with the powers of God you could have EASILY gotten yourself out of all those situations!"

David realizes what a dunce he has been for not thinking of that before. Instead of giving up, however, he makes another attempt to get something out of his God experience. He throws himself on his knees before God. "Can I PLLLLEEEEAAASSSEEE just sit in that big golden throne for JUST A MINUTE?! Please, can I can I can I can I can-"

"SHUT UP, SHUT UP YOU FOOL!" George shouts, shaking David off of his leg. "Ugh, you're making me sick! NO, you can't sit in the big golden throne, there IS no big golden throne, just a big golden office desk, and that's in for repairs!"

David looks glum. "Well, without the powers of God, what am I supposed to do about the situation I'm in now, with the Amazons and all?"

God chuckles and puffs again on his cigar. "That's the most interesting part of the plot, David! This part's just to resolve a conflict that's been annoying a certain Message Boarder, and make it HARDER for you to figure a way out! I suppose it will resolve itself in time, though. And before you go, get that damned *friendly yet enigmatic* look off of your face! It's annoying". George stands, points a gnarled finger at David, and with a ZAP and another rush of coloured lights which he hardly has time to stop and admire, David finds himself bound again in the Amazon camp, with the Message Boarders rushing at him from one side, Ramona swinging in from another, and a violent battle going on between the Amazons and the www.stones.com bums....

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This document last updated Saturday, 15-Apr-2000 15:37:50 EDT
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