Teenage Wildlife

The Story Chapter Thirteen

Chapter: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21


The following is an ongoing work of composite fiction by contributors from the Message Board. Due to the erratic nature of its construction the editors apologize for any omissions or lack of attribution to the proper authors. This story is on-going and will be archived here periodically. For current chapters, comments, or to add you own chapter, please visit the Message Board. This story is a work of fiction. Names have been changed to protect the guilty and any similarity to actual events is purely coincidental.

**Lady Artist Minotaur

Eventually David hears a familiar voice call out, "Welcome to Southern Utah! Need a lift?"

David stands and turns to find everyone's favorite native Utahian, Lady Artist Mintotaur, standing beside her now running Saturn. "Hello again Lady. How did you get from Australia to Utah in your Saturn?" "Lets just say a friend of mine made a few adjustments. Now, would you like to wander this lovely desert on foot? Or would you rather join me in my air conditioned car? I promise no more engine troubles from hell..."

"Hmmm...well, what choice have I got?" So David once more climbs into Lady Artist Minotaur's Saturn. "So, when can I take you? I mean where can I take you?"...

**Starluck" This is where the happy people go.....

"Well, being I've had SUCH a busy chapter, I think I'd like to just relax a bit," Bowie leans back into the car. Little does Bowie know, that following close behind is the sinister black car of the most terrifying person in existence - CHELSEA CLINTON! Oh, yes, the girl has just received her driver's license and she's out on the open road in her daddy's Lincoln Continental with plates reading CLINTON. Lady Artist Minotaur looks into the rearview and did a double-take of horror.

"Holy SH*T! It's that damned Clinton kid!" "Who?!!" poor Bowie grips the seat. "Hold on, baby," Lady Artist Minotaur cries as she steps down on the gas. "We're gonna try to lose her!" .......VVVVVVVRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOM!!!!......


David is forced to lean back in the seat as LAM steps on the gas and tears out into the Utah desert. But Chelsea is not to be denied. Even though she's driving a big boat of a car, she's gaining on LAM's sporty Saturn. LAM looks in her rearview mirror and sees that the First Daughter is closing in fast. "David," she says, "do be a darling and reach into the big pink box in the back seat." David does so and pulls out a piece of chocolate brownie cake. "It's part of my birthday cake. Throw it at her. It's gotten so hard by now that it should damage her car and then we can get away." David at first wants to say that this will impossible for him to do since he has no depth perception (having only one good eye), but he sees the manic look in LAM's eyes and, remembering her penchant for sharp lances, he unbuckles his seat belt and leans out the window. David takes aim as best he can and hurls the slice of cake at Chelsea's car. The impact of the cake shatters the windshield and LAM whoops in triumph. But Chelsea refuses to slow down. David reaches back for the entire box and begins throwing piece after piece of the cake, doing some serious damage to daddy's wheels. By now several of the pieces have hit Chelsea herself, bruising her considerably, but she's a teenager with a new driver's licence and she knows no control. David takes careful aim and tosses one last piece of cake. The piece hits the front right tire, causing the Presidential Lincoln Continental to overturn. The car bursts into flames, frying the cake-coated Chelsea alive. "Whoo-hoooo!!!" LAM bellows out. David breathes a sigh of relief and settles back into his seat. "So, where are we off to now?" David asks. "Oh, that's a surprise," LAM coos back at him. "Why don't you have a slice of cake?" David peeks into the pink box and sees one slice of cake left. It has green icing on it that says *Eat Me*. "Are you sure you don't want to share?" David asks, but LAM shakes her head, "No". David bites into the cake, and it's definitely the best cake that he's had in a long time. At least that's what he thinks until he starts feeling a little strange. A little light-headed. A little happy. A little *friendly*. A little *chemically altered*. Alright,he's just plain stoned. The bland Utah landscape is suddenly awash in vibrant colors and the cacti are singing Do Re Mi. "LAM," David giggles, "I can taste purple!"

David looks towards LAM, but instead he sees a large blue Smurf driving behind the wheel. David takes this all in stride. He turns to look out the window and notices that God/George Burns is looking at him from a cloud. David waves *hi* at George; George just flips him off. Just then, he notices a huge cloud of dust approaching from the distance. There is some figure in it, but he can't quite make it out. When it gets closer, he notices that it is a giant jackalope. And seated on the jackalope is none other than Donny Osmond, the King of Utah. And he looks miffed. The Artist Formerly Known As LAM But Who Now Looks Like a Smurf slams on her brakes as the jackalope, with one mighty bound, lands right in front of her Saturn. Donny Osmond dismounts, flashes one hell of a toothy grin, and walks towards the Saturn. David shrieks in terror and begins desperately trying to scramble and claw his way out of the Saturn. Unfortunately, for all his shrieking and clamoring about, it is to no avail. The only thing David succeeds in getting is a number of large bumps on his head from the roof of LAM's Saturn. The strain of it all is taking its toll on the Bowiemeister. As he begins to pass out, he questions the Smurfified LAM, "Is it much farther now?..."

Later that same day, David awakens with one hell of a hangover. Or so he thinks at first. He quickly becomes aware of his whereabouts and starts to panic. His body is strapped in what seems to be a movie theatre chair (the uncomfortable, pop-soaked, bubblegum covered kind) and there is a large screen in front of him. He quickly jerks his head to the left, then to the right, desperately looking for LAM, when finally, from behind him she calls out, "Yoo-hoo! Dave, Dahling, I'm back here!" She too is strapped into the same kind of chair.

David fears the worst. The lights dim somewhat and a plastic-surgerically enhanced Donny Osmond steps in front of the screen. "Now that I have your full and undivided attention...I would like to teach you both about suffering. Yes, suffering! That's what I've done for years! I've got no marketable skills like Marie! I can't sell dolls for a living! I've suffered more than you could ever know! I'm a human, damn it!! People don't realize it, really...but I'm human!I'm alive!! I'm just like Elvis! I'm still here, except now I blow sailors for candybars and spare change...cough (wipes side of mouth)...Elvis always did look better in tight pants than I did...mutter mutter..."


"But..." sputters LAM.... "No buts!" screams Donny. "I'm going to make you both feel my pain!" Suddenly, Osmond steps away from the screen. And, it is a fate worse than death that awaits LAM and Bowie for what Osmond has unleashed upon the screen is unlike anything that's been seen by CIVILIZED humanity in years. Gasp! It's the dreaded "Learn French the Easy Way" film! Yes, the very same one that french teachers around the world have been subjecting their eighth grade students to. But this is no ordinary film. This is a very special film. This film was made in 1952 by the ACME Learning Teacher's Aide Company. It is broken and skips in sooooo many spots that even the bravest, most fiercest of individuals goes mad. The hauntingly familiar chimes of the intro music begin, and Bowie begins grinding his teeth. Skip skip...chunk...LAM is stomping on the floor and her hair begins surrounding her face as she whips her head around madly. Then, the french lessons begin...

"Qui a coupe le fromage....Who cut the cheese? Repeat after me... Voulez-vous touchez mon singe?....Would you like to touch my monkey?..." Skippppppppppppppp...the film loop looks like it's going to break. Bowie and LAM perk up with newfound hope. But, alas, Jen (the shorter one) is running the projector that day and being the ever-efficient person she is, quickly manages to get the film back into place. "Vvvvvooooovvvvvoooollllooio..." stutters the film. Jen kicks the side of the projector, and the film looks like its going to continue on its destructive course. Suddenly, the lights begin to flicker...

Within seconds the film is over. A voice yells from the hall "David Ya there?" :"Iggy, is that YOU?" "Yes David I thought that we should put our differences behind us, if we ever had any? and do a follow up to Dancing with the Big Boys. So here I am! Whatcha say? I'm kinda tired of living on dog food. Lets get the hell out of here...." "Alright then Igg, Lets make like a tin can and get on down to Java. I know this laid back dude named Leon, he's got nine daughters and a kicking stereo. We can get our heads together there." "I here Ya David! We'z not Dum-dum boys, are we?"

Iggy enters the room, but before he can untie David (and hopefully the Lady Artist Minotaur) he must defeat Donny Osmond in hand to hair combat! Donny Osmond, wombat in hand, awaits Iggy's move...

Previous Next

Teenage Wildlife Home Page Bowie's music Info on Bowie Other Media Have your say! Search the Site Help me!

Toolbar (Interact)

This document last updated Saturday, 15-Apr-2000 15:37:50 EDT
Etete Systems