Teenage Wildlife

The Story Chapter Fourteen

Chapter: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21


The following is an ongoing work of composite fiction by contributors from the Message Board. Due to the erratic nature of its construction the editors apologize for any omissions or lack of attribution to the proper authors. This story is on-going and will be archived here periodically. For current chapters, comments, or to add you own chapter, please visit the Message Board. This story is a work of fiction. Names have been changed to protect the guilty and any similarity to actual events is purely coincidental.

**Starluck" (BANZAI!!.....)

Iggy, being the skinny rat he is, is wearing no t-shirt and horribly dingy denim jeans with the name "STUPID" written in purple Sharpee. His loose fitting combat boots are in desperate need of REAL shoelaces instead of the phone cords, and his nails are simply filthy, not to mention his matted hair. Donny, in plastic perfection, laughs a bold laugh as he cracks his knuckles preparing to fight with Iggy. "Damn it!" Iggy spits. "Only ONE thing can defeat this monster!" Suddenly, Iggy pulls out a harsh light he had ripped off from the film projector and beams it right onto Donny. His face begins to melt *cue that scene from INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE where that Nazi dude gets his face melted off* and he screams a blood-curdling scream.


Iggy, being used to loud noise, simply smirks as he pulls out the utility knife he had stolen from the maintenance room to release Bowie and LAM. "Thanks, Iggy," Bowie sighs in relief. "That bloody bastard was going to subject us to HORRIBLE torture!" Iggy snorts, "At least it wasn't YANNI!" Suddenly from behind a voice calls out,"Did someone say YANNI?!" Lo and behold, it's that damned man HIMSELF. The yuppie-pirate Yanni in this ridiculous psuedo-superhero get-up strides in with his cape billowing from an unknown wind. "I'm here to rid the world of icky-poo people like YOU, Mr. Bowie! I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dogs too!!" Bowie, Iggy, and LAM share bewildered faces as YANNI pulls out this MONSTROUS Acme "Instant Yoko Ono Ray Gun!" (Here's where I come in!)....As the three shiver in sheer terror at the gun whose cross-hairs are aimed right towards them, a girl with wild brown hair flies towards YANNI and kicks him square in the jaw.

"BONZAI!!!!!" she cries as Yanni's jaw goes flying off of his face. She lands with a soft THUD in the thick carpeting. "Ooops! she grins. "I think I kicked him too hard." "Who gives a flying f**k, girl? Let's get the hell outta here!" Iggy takes Starluck by the hand as they race out of the theatre to find they are in Las Vegas! "Holy sh*t!" Iggy exclaims, holding Starluck's hand. Bowie spots the Saturn parked neatly in the LAST row by an empty interstate road with no street lights.

"C'mon, LAM, we've got to get outta here!" Bowie says. "Iggy? You, er, girl, whatever your name is?" Bowie orders, "I want you two to take the Harley." "My name's Starluck," Starluck replies, "and WHAT Harley?" Iggy and Starluck look out and see a spanking new (I said *spanking*!) Harley Davidson. "Oh, total hazy cosmic jive!" Starluck says, her Technicolored skin-tight space-suit shimmering in the sun. "C'mon, Iggy!" So, Iggy and Starluck take the Harley to to California just for the hell of it leaving LAM and Bowie to take the Saturn to wherever fate may take them (or some other writer!).....

**Ramona (To boldly go where no man has gone before...)

Dave and LAM make a quick stop at the 7-11 that's conveniently located right next to the theatre. They stock up on goodies, munchies, and non-alcoholic fruity drinks for the road, since LAM has to get David back Utah (and only she knows why, and she's not telling!), and it's a damn bloody long drive thru the Nevada desert. They reach the Saturn, when all of a sudden cheesy, spooky-sounding electronic music wafts over them. Dave and LAM look around, trying to find the source of the music. LAM looks up, and gasps in horror. Dave follows her terror-stricken gaze and sees the Starship Enterprise hovering over them. David begins to dematerialize in a groovy display of shimmering colors, followed by a *pop* as he is teleported up the the ship. LAM patiently awaits to also be beamed up, but nothing happens. She bellows, reaches into the trunk of her car for the bazooka that she keeps there for little emergencies and is about to launch it when the Enterprise goes into warp speed.

David finds himself in the teleport room. And not the high-tech Next Generation one, either. We're talking about the cheesy 60's version. With the really ugly colors. And the antiquated control panels that consist of only a couple of knobs and some bright lights that flash off and on. And, yes, Captain Kirk and Spock are there to greet Dave personally. "David...BOWIE," Kirk begins," I...AM...a very BIG fan.... of...YOURS." David to his horror notices that William Shatner songs have been softly piped into the room; currently, the Shatner version of *Ziggy Stardust* is playing. "Mr. Bowie," Spock begins," I cannot tell you how very pleased I am that I have finally made your acquaintance. Worshipping rock idols is a highly illogical pass time, one which I normally would not succumb to, but I can not help but feel slightly moved by your musical forays."

** authorship of this next bit was lost.....

"Please," David says," WHY have you brought me here? What do you want with me?" Spock whispers something in Kirk's ear, and..lo and behold, a powerful female voice booms through the Enterprise taking only Mr. Bowie by surprise. "Spaceman, earthling, Mr. Jones, you have been brought here to find yourself again. You ran away from yourself in the 1960's and it's time for you to return to the hearth, to your heart (which is why your CD has gaps strategically placed so that you can change ear -th with heart or more aptly as you will discover now, hearth."

",,,,,,Oh yeah, and who the f*ck do you think YOU are - some androgenous bitch who thinks you can save my soul?" David says angrily. He becomes very distressed and demands of Spock "You have no right to abduct me, I must return to LAM in Utah, she's my earth mother and I'm getting hungry for the goodies we bought in 7-11. Spock is his usual patient self and says "Mr. Bowie, I fully understand your plight, but this is out of my hands. If you are hungry we can arrange for you to have a macrobiotic meal, but the Enterprise was sent down to earth by Vesta, the Goddess of the Hearth, and it is she who we honour at present, because she is a very important Goddess on your planet, and she told us that you lost faith in her, and as a result of this almost thirty years later are a very lost soul. She has come now to help you to redeem your soul, not in the traditional Salt Lake City Mormon manner, nor in the usual Judae-Christian manner, but more attuned to the path of wicca as it has been known in Europe (which as you know predates Christianity and was run by women) or the Native American Tradition which although male dominated replicates Wicca in many ways."

David Bowie listens intently as Spock continues "Your planet is going through a major transformation, as you approach the next century. Vesta has much to offer you, do not fear her - we at the older Enterprise are big fans of yours and we would not surrender to Vesta if we did not value her contribution to earth. I know we're not as shiny and bright as the newer Enterprise, but Vesta sent you here to us, for some reason unknown to us."

David looks up in the air and says "OK Vesta, I'll listen to what you have to say providing that I can think about it, and we can negotiate, because I don't allow anyone to run my life - not my wife nor my manager, not my personal assistant, not my record company nor my agent or any promoters. *I* call the shots in my life and I'm not about to change that now. I really don't agree with you. My life has been going just fine and I didn't really find much of value in the 1960's - I mean I enjoyed meditation and getting stoned, and I laid a lot of interesting people, but it wasn't an easy life and there's not much of value there now - it just got me to where I wanted to be. Also, I have a wonderful friend in Iggy and I'd hate to lose him because I was about to go through some kind of transformation - and there's my career: I really was quite a wimp in the 1960s and had very low self esteem. I can't go back to that again.....AND you WON'T make me.......I'd rather die!"

Vesta laughed a heart-felt belly laugh "Spaceman....Would I be calling you by this name if I wanted you to be who you once were? I am a Goddess not a manipulative 1990s woman and not a fan who idolizes you, either. I am concerned that you have denied the feminine within yourself, and as such have stopped valuing the hearth of which I am Goddess - why on earth you thought I was Yoko Ono I have no idea, although she used to talk about the feminization of society. The only way you could listen to me was to be abducted. Nothing needs changing, but really, these earthlings such as Lady Artistic Minotaur are not helping your spiritual development - she's a really delightful mortal and obviously cares about you enough to travel from Australia to Utah with minor alterations in her Saturn. But enough of the astral travels of Utah's favorite lady. This journey you must travel alone, many will attempt to seduce you - including Donny Osmond's pain and tales of blowjobs for sailors and being shortchanged and the reincarnation of Chelsae Clinton: and all these have their place in the garbage pan of their source, for you will find if you dwell on this for a moment that it is all part of the illusion that you created. You merely invited these people to play the game of reinvention so they jumped on the fun creative boat not realizing you'd take them seriously and believe their absurd tales...... That is why I call you Spaceman, for indeed, as in the 1960s you are a Space Cadet and must return to the hearth to maintain your emotional wellbeing. I realise that, as with all of us, your mother wasn't the best role model for returning to the hearth but you will be able to create a safe hearth inside of yourself now in which you can rest. There are many earth people who can help you with this, they are not trapped in the 1960s as you fear - many of them weren't even born in the 1960s, and they will allow you to visit at your leisure for a while until you decide for yourself how you are to live your life now that you have been on the planet for half a century. Eventually they will tell you that you must no longer float around but must make a commitment. At that time you will be able to make a conscious choice about the direction of your life, and you won't feel pulled and swayed in many directions. That is why you've been called to the Enterprise and transported from Lady Artist Minotaur. The Enterprise will beam you down to LAM or any other destination you wish at any time, and you may ask me any questions you have now. In the next few days, if you wish, you may return to the Enterprise, and they will make contact with me should you wish to discuss any matters."

David Bowie looks up into space and says "Well, I'm dumbfounded, there I was with LAM and now I've got so much to consider. Yeah, it's good of you to give me a couple of days to think it over. But you know Vesta, I'm not very keen on you. Some weird astrologer once told me that you were an Asteroid, and they're much smaller and less powerful than planets, and as for Goddesses, you're rather dull. I'd much rather have a Huntress than some humdrum girl who sits by fires and sews. There's not much juice in that, and not much fire either - although I suppose she's got to make sure the fire stays alight if she's connected to you."

He became pensive, pauses, and then says "OK Vesta, I'll think about it. I'm not so sure that I'll give it a try, 'cos I don't expect it to go anywhere and I'm certainly not going to start speaking a whole lot of New Age mumbo jumbo, because I'm a rock star and I like living in that world - I realize my lifestyle has to be censored for the Internet, but I won't give it up for any Goddess. Anyway, I want to return to LAM because she'll be very worried about my abduction and might have reported this abduction to the Cosmic Police - especially now since some of my fans are wanting to know what's happened to me especially since I'm floating on the Stock Market. How are people going to take me seriously and have shares in me if they hear that I'm dematerializing?"

As Mr. Bowie says his last word he dematerializes and before he can think another thought is sitting back in the Saturn beside LAM.


LAM, grumbling over a faulty bazooka, is shocked by Bowie's return. "Where the Sam Hill have you been?" she scolds. "Some guy claiming to be Peter Frampton gave me this pack of cigarettes and told me to give them to you." She hands him a white box with black, bold generic type reading "SMOKE ME". Bowie bites his bottom lip. Should he smoke them and let them take him wherever the hell Fate wants to? Or should he pass?...... F**k IT, Bowie shrugs to himself, as he opens the box to see WONDERFUL "Frampton Gold" brand cigarettes, his eyes widen. "Oh, heaven's saints!" Bowie exclaims as he pulls out the car lighter. He seductively lights his cigarette as poor LAM is forced to only watch because her seat-belt is stuck.......Then, Bowie, LAM, and the Magical Mystery Saturn are floating in space and they are being escorted by flying monkeys to a little PINK planet that looked a little like Utah, don't ask me how....Maybe he is hallucinating, maybe Utah IS another planet, maybe this is all one big hallucination. Who can ever be sure?

MEANWHILE: Somewhere in a long stretch of highway, Iggy Pop and Starluck race towards California to fulfill a mission only they are sure of. "Hey, Iggy, I wanna drive," Starluck tugs at his hair, being he has no shirt. "No way, I let you last night and we ended up in a theatre!!" "Yeah, but we met up with David Bowie, didn't we? And we mysteriously got a NEW Harley!" Iggy ponders for a moment and says,"Okay, that was cool." But then Iggy said, "Hey, you know what? I would really like a shirt to put on my poor bones. I'm really cold right now. I'm not feeling well, hold me. Hold me, Dorothy. Please hold me tight." So Iggy gets dropped off by the GAP where he is told he'll be picked up after an hour. After the car sped away, Iggy thought,"what does that mean, picked up? Does that mean I'm gonna get some?"

But no one answers him, so Iggy proceeds into the store, where he immediately starts browsing through the women's section. "So long since I've been in a woman's undergarment store," he tells the saleswoman who runs over to him asking if he needs any help, "can you point me to where I can try this nice bra and panties set on?" The saleswoman blinks and thinks to herself, "God, Iggy's got the nicest teeth in the world. They're so nice and shiny and white: and...what's that one?? That little one looks just like David Bowie! My Goodness, Iggy Stardust has has David Bowie trapped in his mouth!"

**Magienoire (the scary thing is, my mom keeps calling him Ziggy Pop...)

Just as those words are spoken, the tooth explodes, spawning more of the ill-famed Bowie clones and covering Iggy with blood and knocking him out cold. The saleswoman screams and attempts to hide behind the cash register, but the clones ignore her and start collecting all the lingerie they can and then rush to the dressing rooms to try them on. Eventually they all leave in Ziggy Stardust type outfits. Just then Starluck returns on the Harley. The clones throw her off, fight and bicker over the bike for awhile (a few clones getting ANOTHER dilated pupil out of the brawl) but eventually one wins and the rest take off in other acquired motor vehicles parked up and down the street, using their psychic radar skills to track the real David and LAM to whatever their psychodelic destination is at the moment...


Starluck struggles to her feet. "Damn! I lost my prom date AND my Harley!" she broods as she wipes the blood from her mouth to see dozens of Bowie clones bickering over lingerie. "Damn, I could just take one of these morons", she shrugs as she drags away a Bowie clone.

"Let's go rent you a tux," she grins and walks back into the GAP......

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This document last updated Saturday, 15-Apr-2000 15:37:50 EDT
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