The Story Chapter Fifteen

: David and the beautiful Lady Artist Minotaur stare out of the windshield in awe as they float towards what seems to be a large moon. David suddenly breaks the Space Oddessey 2001 type mood when his cigarette falls into his lap and burns him. One of the pink monkees slips into the car with David and LAM. "It's really you, isn't it?" one of the pink little beasts says, "You're the guy that dressed up like a girl and sang folk songs, eh? You're Boooooooooowie, right?"

"Yes, I am," David replies, "but it is Bowie, not Boooooooowie. I hate it when people pronounce my name that way."

"Hey, buddy no problem. No sweat, ok? ok? No hard feelings?" asks the monkee, but the annoying creature continues with his speech before David can forgive him. "I'm Davey Jones! You know, the guy that you couldn't compete with because I was always such a teen idol. I'm still a teen idol, you know. Lot's of women go crazy for me! Well, I've heard you don't like females anyhow. I haven't heard about your career since you uhh.... did that kiddy's movie with that maze and those wigs. I guess you still have to compete with me. I was in the Brady Bunch Movie, you know. That's success. And as you can see us Monkees have gotten together again, so bucko, how do you like that? I'm going to get even more fans! ha ha ha " the lewd little ugly monkey shouts. "Well that's quite nice, but I don't know how I'm going to compete against someone like you. Jeez, I thought that I could do better than you, Davey, after I started writing my own songs, but having others write them for you works, then, eh?" Davey replies " Listen here you stupid queen, I am the only Davey Jones that is fit and able for pop business, so now that we're in space I'm going to have to kill you" the monkee says. "That doesn't seem fair at all! LAM, aren't you going to do something?" David says in a scared voice,.....LAM!!!! He's going to hurt me!!!!!

Davey Jones (the monkee) reaches back and grabs his pre-sharpened evil monkey lance. He laughs at David and LAM and thrusts his arm backwards...

...and immediately drops his monkee lance when he feels the sting of a whiplash around his wrist. David and LAM look at the holder of the whip, and it is none other than Ramona. David recoils in horror, fearing that he will once again be sucked into her evil, tainted flesh. Ramona flashes a bright white smile that even Iggy would envy, and merely says, "Not tonight, Dave, I have a headache. Besides, I'm here to pick up my little conversation piece {*pointing to Davey, the fallen Monkeegod, who is rubbing his wrist and pouting*}. Davey Jones is one of the more popular sideshow attractions at the club, and I hate losing the revenue that I got off of him. Tuition ain't cheap, you know. And one can never have enough fey Englishmen lying around, don't you agree?" Ramona snaps her fingers, and 2 standard-issue drones appear from out of nowhere. They walk up to Davey and drag him away by his hair. She takes off her backpack, hands a dog-eared book --- The Screaming Thigh Sweats of David Bowie, by the one and only TP--and an autographed picture disc of William Shatner's 'Life on Mars' to a third drone, who takes them and follows the screaming teen pop idol as he is being dragged across the floor and into the distance, back to his suspended go-go cage in the club. Ramona claps her hands, immediately disappears, and then immediately reappears in the back seat of the Saturn. "That's just a little trick I learned during my possession," she says.

She stretches out in the back seat and says, "I wish they would make those big ol' boat cars like they used to. Sure, they weren't exactly conservation-friendly, but they gave you that ton of space when you really need it. Anyway, I've been on an early spring break, hitch hiking around and soaking up lots of local color. You don't mind if I hook up with you two for awhile, do you? Where are we going to next?...

David peers over the steering wheel at the multicoloured planets surrounding them. "Well, it would be helpful first if I actually knew where we were! And how are we floating in the middle of space without oxygen?"

"It's fiction, what did you expect? For it to make SENSE?" Ramona raises her eyebrows. "Well, I thought, maybe..." Ramona interrupts him by sitting up and motioning around. "Welcome to my segment of the universe! Over here we have the Planet of the Apes, where I keep the other Davey Jones. That blue planet right there is where I keep all of my pet rock stars...." David coughs nervously here. "And over there is..." "What's that?!" LAM grabs David by the shoulder and points at a small rickety spacecraft spitting smoke out of its tail pipe that is making its shaky way directly towards them at a high impact speed. Inside the ship is...

...........Twig. She limps out of the airship and looks relieved to see David and LAM. "I've got ALL my cows on board 'cos I missed them after going to the ballet yesterday. So I drove home and found this old spacecraft parked close to home. There was no one around, so I thought I'd give it a spin. It reminded me a bit of Noah's Ark, and I've been feeling a bit biblical lately so I herded the cows in and off we went. It's got two engines, and things went fine for the first couple of minutes, and suddenly there I was over the Atlantic when there was a loud bang and the ship shuddered - my first thought was "oh no, my Martin", but a second later I thought 'oh shit, I've hit another aircraft', then I saw all these flames coming out of one of the engines - I tell you I thought that was it, anyway I managed to hold it all together and found the fire extinguisher and put it all out - just as well I've learned about flying aircraft and know where to find the automatic extinguishers. So, I figured I'd be OK on one engine for a bit, and was about to dump the fuel when I found the compass not working, and here I am in this outlandish place. I thought I'd died and reincarnated someplace, 'cos it doesn't look a bit like anywhere I've flown before - am I glad to see you.""

David pats her on the shoulder and suddenly from nowhere Ramona has run onto the plane shouting "Milk, I'm thirsty".

LAM says "I think this is a big mistake". David says, "I didn't think we had any choice here." Ramona says "would it help if I told you a silly joke?" Before anyone could agree or disagree she shouts "Why don't cannibals eat Clowns???"

There is silence. Ramona calls "I'm sorry, but the people in my world always laugh when there's a crisis, it helps us think clearer: I forgot who I was with." LAM looks to David for some support, and, well, Twig is beginning to shake at this stage. Ramona catches LAM's attention and calls her over to the ship. She whispers to her "Look, we've got lots to do right now, the cows are in shock and we need to find some troughs from someplace because they'll dehydrate from the high altitudes. Also, Twig needs a few cups of tea. I've found a kettle and put it on, and..." LAM interrupts "What are you doing to those cows?" She sounds extremely concerned, because, you see, all the time Ramona was talking she has a a small bottle in her hand with a dropper and is opening the cow's mouths and placing a few drops in each of their mouths. Ramona replies "They're in shock, so I'm giving them some rescue remedy - it's a Bach Flower Remedy, and these days you can buy them in Boots the Chemist: you used to only be able to buy them in the Health Shop, but times have changed, thank God."

LAM is speechless, and suddenly starts to laugh. At which time Ramona says "Now, look, the kettle's boiling and there's lots more to do. Once we've got some tea down Twig we've got to get her and the cows back quickly because we're on this cobalt blue planet and there's no grazing facilities here, and we can't have Twig be seen as being negligent - and we certainly can't make any implications about this, 'cos she'll feel judged and then go all defensive on us. It's not her fault that she's young. I'm just trying to figure out what we can use to put water in. Who on earth would have thought of a blue planet? And what really pisses me off is that we can't even pull the guitar out and sing because we're in the middle of a crisis."

Ramona "I'm sorry and pleased to inform you that I only have herbal teas, so we won't need to milk the cows today. I've got a selection of them that I brought with me in my bag. I'll pop out and get it - oh and since I've given all the cows their first dose of rescue remedy, I'll give Twig some now." Ramona rushes out to get the tea bags. Meanwhile David is comforting Twig. He walks up to Twig and asks "Would you like some rescue remedy?" Twig replies "Oh, do you have some?"

Ramona: "Yes, I've just given the cows some too because they were in shock and one has had its aura misplaced - I think it was closest to the window and saw more of the fire." Twig "Oh thank you Ramona, I feel terrible about all of this - I mean, it's my parent's livelihood, and I've just taken off to this cobalt blue place, and what am I going to do?" Ramona: "Well, we're making some herbal tea - and I'll come with you back to the farm afterwards. I think you should go back accompanied because if you go into shock, then I can take over and you can give me instructions."

Twig: "Thanks Ramona." Ramona rushes back into the ship with some peppermint tea bags (for she didn't bring a huge selection along). She thinks to herself, what a stupid place to be, on a bleedin' blue planet - there's no greenery around and we'll get very ill without that. I've got to get us all back fairly soon, but meanwhile, I guess they think I live here permanently. I only visit this place a few times a year - who'd want to come here more often? Anyway, no more time for thoughts. "Here" she says to LAM, handing the tea bags over. LAM: "I found some cups, it's amazing what this rickety old ship has".

Within a few minutes LAM is handing out cups of peppermint tea. Everyone is fairly silent, but calm. Ramona says "Twig, we'd better get going soon, because I can't find enough troughs to give the cows a lot of water, and so I'm having to use cups - and they've been dehydrating up here in these altitudes. I can keep giving them water on the way back, but we really should make a move after you've had a couple cups of tea. Oh,and by the way, how are you feeling after that awful experience?" Twig "Terrible Ramona, just terrible, look - I can't stop shaking." Ramona "that's a good sign, the shock is coming out quickly." David "Are you going to leave me and LAM here when you go?" Ramona: "I don't think you'll find your way back without me and there's not room for four of us and the cows, so I'll have to leave you two here for a while until I get back. But I can lend you my compass, and there's a phone box just over there and so you can phone New Town any time you like, which I know will be comforting for you. And I'll be back quickly. Also, there's a kettle that can be plugged into the phone box, and if you look around you'll find all sorts of things. Oh, and by the way, I brought some beginners astrology books with for fun!!! I think you'd find it interesting reading about 12th house planets, 'cos I think someone decided that you had a midnight birthchart and I only realized this the other day, and the 12th house is such fun - I should know, I have Sun and Moon there!!!!!" Ramona "Twig, are you ready yet?" Twig "Let's go" So Ramona and Twig take off in the Ship leaving David and LAM to fend for themselves on planet earth cobalt blue..... Twig's strange shivers quit once away from the cobalt blue planet. She looks down at her now still hands and says with determination, "I think we'd better turn around, Ramona, and get David and LAM away from that place." Ramona replies with hesitation, "I ah am afraid we don't have have enough fuel, hauling all your cows around and all" Twig thinks about it for a moment, weighing the importance of some cows against the man she most admires in the world. The confused and unhappy cows quickly find themselves floating around in empty space (but not quite devoid of air.) Their pitiful mooing make the scientists monitoring what sound waves hit the earth think that they are being invaded by an alien race of evil bovines. They broadcast what they think to be the "attack cry" on radio and TV all over the world. This turns out to be the case in a way, for the cows just happened to be on a collision course with the good earth. Meanwhile back out in the not-so-empty space: Twig and Ramona have picked up LAM and Bowie and the Saturn and are headed back to earth. The impact of the cow asteroids has already occurred, and as they land, they are immediately assumed to be the aliens, with Bowie as leader, that caused the entire incident, and are all arrested with much ado. After a few hours of interrogation LAM and Twig and Ramona are allowed to go free. Bowie, however, has some fast explaining. to do.

The reason for this mistaken identity is that the spaceship landed on a site known for alien landings in Arizona - a LONG way from Pennsylvania (but that's a whole other story....) When the authorities ask Bowie where he is, and he tells them he doesn't know, and they ask him what State he is in, and for his ID (which he should have remembered to take with him, but forgot because he'd got too high chanting that morning to remember anything other than this cosmic consciousness.) So, because he could not tell them which State he was in, he was perceived to to be an alien.

He keeps telling them that he is famous, but unfortunately this only makes matters worse. However, eventually his manager is notified of his plight and he only has to spend four hours in custody before being put on a plane to his favorite abode somewhere deep in the heart of the City of London, close to the Stock Exchange.

Upon his return he set about his task. For you see, he had been deeply hurt by a long time friend and lover who became very attracted to an image of someone he'd never met. Bowie had never experienced such envy, such despair and loss as he suddenly was experiencing. His mainstay security in life was being taken away from him.....and by a woman..... this was unthinkable. He set about seeking his revenge, about finding a way back to his lover. He was so determined that he would stop at no lengths to do this.

And so, he set about finding ways to make it happen, come hell or high water, whatever guise it took to succeed. And, when finally the truth emerged, he found a very hollow gain, and realized that he was in a lose/lose situation, and that no-one can win when one is playing a game from a narcissistic stance, and he reamined floating in his Stocks!!!!!!!

By this point, the buzz has definitely worn off. "Dammit," David says, looking down at the bong that he is holding, "I told Lou to change the water in this thing every once in a while!" He takes a long drag on the bong, but nothing happens. "This bloody thing has never worked properly ever since I lent it to him. That last trip was just too weird. Flying pigs I could understand, but floating cows?" Bowie casually tosses the bong aside, breaking it yet again. He gets up from the beanbag he's been slouched in for the last couple of hours (days?) and makes his way thru the dimly lit room to the mini-kitchen in this little secret flat of non disclosed location that he keeps for himself when the pressures of the world and superstardom get to be a little too much for him (little things like fickle fans bickering over the pronunciation of his name, cranky personal assistants who refuse to peel his grapes for him, a pesky ex who insists on maintaining a 'musical career' when she refuses to admit that she's tone deaf, little things like that) or when he needs to get away from Iman's nagging.

David--barefoot and dressed only in a pair of cut-off Levi's shorts - stands before the fridge, whose light is the only thing breaking the darkness of the flat. He suddenly has a very strong craving for milk, and he begins chugging it directly from the carton (disregarding the little fly that was in there, soaking up milk). Suddenly, the doorbell rings. David almost drops the milk carton, since nobody is supposed to know about his little hidey-hole here and he is immediately suspicious. The doorbell rings again, followed by a rather impatient-sounding knock. David tiptoes to the door, and thru the peephole, he sees a standard issue Delivery Dude. "I know you're in there, man," the Delivery Dude says, "just open up, 'K?" David, knowing that he shouldn't do it, opens the door, and the Delivery Dude places a soggy cardboard box in Dave's hands. "What's this?" David asks. "Roasted Koala" the Delivery Dude replies, "you just ordered it from the Australian take-away right down the block. Want me to just put it on your tab?" David, more confused than ever, just nods his head.

The Delivery Dude clears his throat, and David mechanically reaches into his pocket and pulls out an engraved wedding ring. He hands it to the Delivery Dude, who slinks off down the hallway. David closes and locks the door, and puts the box of Roasted Koala on the kitchen table. He's not sure what to do when....

Suddenly, he realizes this has gone on long enough! The authors have gotten far too demented. He wonders briefly what to do to get back to normal. Then, he picks up his phone, calls his editor, and has 'the evil story' finally end. Enough is enough! "At least I got a couple interesting symbols for my 'Little Wonder' video out of all this chaos and trouble" he thinks as he wanders off to prepare for his many upcoming TV appearances. "And you never know, those MBers are a ruthless bunch! At any moment, they could start this madness up again. I wouldn't be surprised if they sent Stinky and the other Dwarves after me!! Time will tell....or is that Time will crawl??? Did the 80's ever happen? Will I ever see Margot again? Will Twig get her zitar back? Can I still solve that Rubiks' cube? What should I wear for the Letterman show?" "Day clothes" says a dwarvish voice from the closet....and then....