Chapter: 1 2
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6 7 8
9 10 11
12 13 14
15 16 17
18 19 20
The following is an ongoing work of composite fiction by
contributors from the Message Board. Due to the erratic nature of
its construction the editors apologize for any omissions or lack of
attribution to the proper authors. This story is on-going and will be
archived here periodically. For current chapters, comments, or to
add you own chapter, please visit the Message Board. This story is
a work of fiction. Names have been changed to protect the guilty
and any similarity to actual events is purely coincidental.
Alright. Time to have another go at this. Let's see...I died in 'the
Story, so now, I'm BACK! ha ha ha
BowieManiac descends into the room on a fluffy white cloud. Light
radiates all around her. She has on a long white robe, a halo glows
over her head, and her angel wings are spread open. She hovers on
the cloud just above the floor, and she looks at David, turning her
head to one side and smiling out of the corner of her mouth.
"Who the..." Bowie starts to say.
Maniac's smile widens. "You're the little girl who was at the
Birthday Bash, weren't ya?"
She nods slowly, and her smile makes Bowie nervous..."The one
"I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!!!" Maniac shouts, raising her arms
to the sky. She was just about to arouse the all-powerful
CHOCOLATE GOD when.... she stops and thinks for a moment.
Bowie was...messed up in head when he shot her. Poor Davey was
being tortured by those awful MBers....
Maniac falls to the floor and starts sobbing heavily, wondering
how she could ever THINK of punishing the Great Deity David.
And Bowie thinks that Maniac, too, was ...messed up in the head,
because the Birthday Bash was her first Bowie Concert...and she
BowieManiac slowly starts to quiet down. She stands up and wipes
the away with her sleeve. "Nevermind," she mumbles. "It's alright. I
And Bowie forgives Maniac....for calling him....DAVE.
*alright so now I need some way to end this part so someone else
could pick it up from here....:)*
...BowieManiac smiles suddenly. She steps off the cloud and it
disappears. She takes off her halo and tosses it to the ground, and
then she takes off her angel-wings.
"Whaaa...?" Bowie mutters, looking on with bewilderment.
"You silly, I was never dead!" Maniac says, smiling even w i d e r.
"I was never even AT the Concert, I was sitting at home, in
Pittsburgh, listening to 'Low', and sulking because I COULDN'T
"Yes, quite, well..if you were there...who did I shoot...??"
"Probably no one. You were going in and out of
sleep/dreams/nightmare/ whatever that you probably dreamed it
"Do you mind if I use the phone? My mom worries if I don't check
in with her every once in a while." David nods his head and
Bowiemaniac begins punching in numbers. David looks around for
something more appropriate to wear besides just his shorts (after
all, she's rather young, and David, being a worldly man who is in
the know about these things (particularly when it comes to the old
adage about how "15 will get you 20") wouldn't want to give the
wrong impression.) David walks towards the closet door and he
hears a dwarfish voice say "Day clothes." At least, he *thinks* he
hears something; he can't quite make it out over Bowiemaniac's
voice (she's fumbling with the phone right now, trying to figure out
how to work the call-waiting function since there's a collect call
from TP on the other line...). He opens the closet door and reaches
for the light switch when a chorus of high-pitched voices scream
out in unison "GET HIM!!!". David is pulled into the closet, which
is still pitch black, and the door is slammed firmly behind him.
"Turn on the light."
"I can't reach it."
"Stop that! You're poking me in the eye!"
"Does anybody else smell that?"
"Shut up and get over here so I can stand on you."
"Who touched me?! Eh?"
"I can't remember if I turned the iron off..."
The high-pitched voices continue to rattle off, and David reaches
out and flips on the light switch. But this closet is NOT his closet.
No familiar large-ass Nosferatu-collared frock coats. No
tantalizingly tight leather pants. Not even a decent skeleton or two.
No, it's not even quite fair to call it a closet anymore since it has
now mysteriously taken on the attributes of a Mystical Forest.
Timid woodland creatures prance merrily along the sides of a little
path, birds sing melodiously in the trees, and for the first time,
David gets a good look at his captors. He's less than impressed.
There's a slight resemblance to the characters envisioned by Uncle
Walt (right down to those ridiculous hats that look rather like giant
condoms), but no child in its right mind would want to cuddle up to
these vertically challenged menfolk.
"That's better" the first dwarf says. "I guess we ought to introduce
ourselves. I'm Tricky, this here is Hussy (this is the transvestite
dwarf who leers at David and winks!), this is Itchy (don't get too
close to him just yet, although the doctor says that he's getting
better if he'd only stop *picking* at it), that one there is Sticky,
that's Cranky, this one here is Sleazy, and that little fella over there
is Stinky. Hey, at least you got *one* of us right in that song."
David sighs, having hoped that all this would've abated, but he
knows that he's in the clutches of these Men o'the Woods, and he's
resigned himself to whatever their devious plan for him is. "OK, but
first I have to know *why me?*"
"Oh Mr. Bowie, you are the only one who can help us," says
Tricky, "You see, it's Snow White. She..."
"....the stupid bimbo got 'er finger thumb caught in the sink!" one
"Good God," Bowie rolls his eyes,"I thought she went and married
Prince Charming. You know, that fellow with the nose job and
"Well, uh, YES! But they started having marital problems and so
they thought it'd be best if they split up for a while," Happy said
with a grin.
"Okay," Bowie nods, "now WHY is her thumb caught in the
"Well," Grumpy scowled, "I told her NOT to wear her wedding ring
while doing the dishes, but noooooo.."
"Yeah," Doc exclaimed,"but it slipped and fell down the drain. So
she stuck her thumb in to try and get it. NOW she's STUCK!"
There was only ONE THING Bowie could do. "Okay, boys, let's go
get the chainsaw!"
Snow White was occasionally psychic. She screamed out "oh no,
not the chainsaw. It's not my fault my husband didn't want me. All I
did was hug him and he pushed me straight into the kitchen,
demanding that I be tied to the kitchen sink for life! Now look at my
fate. It's not my fault. All I did was say I'd marry him. I didn't expect
it to turn out to be so difficult. I really love him, and he's so mean to
me. Now you're going for the chainsaw. What am I to do?" She
thought to herself, Now everyone wants to stomp on me. How can I
get help? I'm in bondage here at the kitchen sink.
David and the dwarfs step into the kitchen. Snow White sees the
dreaded chainsaw in his right hand and screams in such a high
pitch it could break glass. David walks toward her and says," Don't
worry, it's only your thumb. You'll live, I hope. If not that will be the
like the millionth person I've killed since the fans started writing this
annoying book. And to think it all started with getting my teeth
done. I should never have gone to Kansas in the first place!"
Snow White looks at David and shrieks "I wasn't yelling about the
chainsaw. Lookout behind you it's Price Charming......"
David turns to the door, expecting to see the usual stereotype of
"Prince Charming", the dashing young (gay) prince. Instead, to his
amazement, he finds himself face to face with himself as Jareth, the
"Hallo, David." Jareth says with a sneer. "I am here to seek revenge
on you for stealing from Jim!"
David begins to scream as he has flashbacks to the 80's and begins
to feel the guilt crashing down upon him again for stealing the
wigs, makeup, and outfits from the prop room. Suddenly, he realizes
that he's still holding the chainsaw, and in a blind fit of rage turns
on Jareth and, like the guy from the Army of Darkness, proceeds to
use the chainsaw to chop the Goblin King into tiny bite sized bits.
As the dwarves shriek with joy and gather around to feast, David
moves towards Snow White, blood lust glinting in his eyes...
...he runs in a fit of rage toward what he thinks is the back door to
Snow White's beautiful castle, but instead of landing on solid
ground he falls for what seems to be an eternity.....
So David falls and falls and falls and falls and falls and when he can
finally stand it no longer he begins to scream. After screaming for
awhile he realizes how hopeless his situation is and stops
screaming like a baby. With a sudden whump/splat noise he lands!
He attempts to voice his pain with a proper expletive but loses
consciousness. Upon awakening, he find himself lying in a
beautiful green field, with vaguely face-like clouds looking down at
So the poor chap finds himself in a wonderfully LUSH green field
and he notices he's wearing a cut up uniform resembling a British
flag. He stands to face out towards a powder-blue lake, bewildered
but strangely serene. The nimbus clouds gently run across the sky
and there's an ever so gentle wind. "My," Bowie sighs, "this HAS
been the most SPLENDID surprise I've ever experienced. I think I'll
write an album about it. I'll call it.....EARTHLING, but mess up the
letters so the people at the Message Board will be confused long
enough for me to get away from this damned story." ......
And we do get confused and Bowie flys far, far away through a
vortex, a dark milky vortex, and never to return. Milky is the wrong
word. Creamy, almost like buttermilk, but warm and sweet. This
flows all around Bowie's body, the sweetness permeating his every
pore until he becomes one with it. But then he crashes down
suddenly on some barren field, goes unconscious, and is licked
clean by a pack of hungry lions. Fortunately for Bowie, these
particular lions don't have a taste for old rock stars who've already
hit their peak and who just pump out shit (the narrator of this story
is lynched by the Board Members, given firm talks by Hel and Dara,
and Ramona dishes out the spankings) who is a wonderful
musician, the cutting edge if you will, the true great of rock and roll
music today, a rock God, if you will.
Bowie stands up and brushes the lion fur off. "Hmn," he says to
himself. Yes, that's right. Just 'hmn'. Not too profound, is it. Not
every utterance from *oh great one* is brilliant, so lay off, buck-o!!
And if I hear another word out of you, I'll kick your little skinny butt
all over this Message Board! Okay, now, as I was saying, Bowie's
brushing himself off when a little lady walks up to him from out of
nowhere. Here, LIVE on the scene:
Bowie: "Hello there, little lady".
Little Lady: "I'm not that little."
Bowie: "Oh, I'm sorry. I did not mean anything by it."
Little lady: "Fuck off, Gramps."
Little lady storms offstage.
Bowie: "Well, that certainly was something. Have I lost my sexual
appeal? Have I lost my table manners? Do I talk with food in my
mouth? What is happening to me? I am falling apart. Where is Eno
when you need him? Oh, God! I depend too much on that man. Hell,
I admit it. Without Eno I wouldn't be anywhere. No Ziggy Stardust,
or Diamond Dogs, or...wait a minute, he didn't help me on those
albums! Hell, I even produced Diamond Dogs by myself!! Golly,
what a spring of positive feelings I have most decisively
Bowie goes a running and skipping and jumping around. The old
style Beatles come out of nowhere and start jumping around with
him, acting stupid. The song HELP comes on...AND THEN
MICHAEL BOLTON LANDS IN A METALLIC SUIT. HE PULLS
HIS HELMET OFF, HIS SHINING BLOND HAIR GLOWS IN THE
MIDDAY SUN *imagine an atomic explosion* and no more
Michael Bolton--the crowd goes wild! They want more, and they
want it bad--next, Little Lady hits back on the scene.
Little lady: "What the fuck am I doing back here?"
Bowie: "Please don't leave. Love me. Oh, love me tender."
Little Lady: "Who are they?"
The Beatles are still running around like morons, and are
immediately plucked up by the big hand from the sky.
Bowie: "John Lennon, he said *aim.*"
Beavis: "uh, huhuhuhhuh, huhuh...huh (Beavis explodes, vanishes
in a puff of smoke)
Little lady: "Wait a minute, you're not-"
Little Lady: "You can't be--"
Bowie: "Yes, I'm afraid so."
Little lady: "Steve Barritz?"
Bowie: "Yes, I'm...who? Who is GOD'S NAME is Steve Barritz, and
I'm sorry about raising my letters."
Little lady: "Who is Steve Barritz, is that what I heard you say?
Well, he's just the most..."
"The most, um, ah, I'm not even going to bother with you!"
As Little Lady storms offstage for the second time, suddenly
Damon Albarn from the band Blur is standing right in front of
David. David says, "Hello, aren't you that kid with that band, um,
stir, or, fur or something?"
"It's called Blur and David I love you, I mean, um, come away with
Suddenly Trent Reznor appears. "No, He's mine, all mine, come on
David, let's go!" Reznor says with a devilish smile on his face.
"Um, I can't go anywhere except back to my house in New York,
then maybe the stupid fans will stop writing this damn story about
"O.K., I can take you there." Trent grabs David's hand and starts to
fly, dragging David with him........