The Story Chapter Sixteen

Alright. Time to have another go at this. Let's see...I died in 'the Story, so now, I'm BACK! ha ha ha

BowieManiac descends into the room on a fluffy white cloud. Light radiates all around her. She has on a long white robe, a halo glows over her head, and her angel wings are spread open. She hovers on the cloud just above the floor, and she looks at David, turning her head to one side and smiling out of the corner of her mouth. "Who the..." Bowie starts to say. Maniac's smile widens. "You're the little girl who was at the Birthday Bash, weren't ya?" She nods slowly, and her smile makes Bowie nervous..."The one I.... ahhmmmm...shot...?" "I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!!!" Maniac shouts, raising her arms to the sky. She was just about to arouse the all-powerful CHOCOLATE GOD when.... she stops and thinks for a moment. Bowie was...messed up in head when he shot her. Poor Davey was being tortured by those awful MBers....

Maniac falls to the floor and starts sobbing heavily, wondering how she could ever THINK of punishing the Great Deity David. And Bowie thinks that Maniac, too, was ...messed up in the head, because the Birthday Bash was her first Bowie Concert...and she was just...over-excited. BowieManiac slowly starts to quiet down. She stands up and wipes the away with her sleeve. "Nevermind," she mumbles. "It's alright. I forgive you." And Bowie forgives Maniac....for calling him....DAVE.

*alright so now I need some way to end this part so someone else could pick it up from here....:)*

...BowieManiac smiles suddenly. She steps off the cloud and it disappears. She takes off her halo and tosses it to the ground, and then she takes off her angel-wings. "Whaaa...?" Bowie mutters, looking on with bewilderment. "You silly, I was never dead!" Maniac says, smiling even w i d e r. "I was never even AT the Concert, I was sitting at home, in Pittsburgh, listening to 'Low', and sulking because I COULDN'T go". "Yes, quite, well..if you were there...who did I shoot...??" "Probably no one. You were going in and out of sleep/dreams/nightmare/ whatever that you probably dreamed it all."

"Do you mind if I use the phone? My mom worries if I don't check in with her every once in a while." David nods his head and Bowiemaniac begins punching in numbers. David looks around for something more appropriate to wear besides just his shorts (after all, she's rather young, and David, being a worldly man who is in the know about these things (particularly when it comes to the old adage about how "15 will get you 20") wouldn't want to give the wrong impression.) David walks towards the closet door and he hears a dwarfish voice say "Day clothes." At least, he *thinks* he hears something; he can't quite make it out over Bowiemaniac's voice (she's fumbling with the phone right now, trying to figure out how to work the call-waiting function since there's a collect call from TP on the other line...). He opens the closet door and reaches for the light switch when a chorus of high-pitched voices scream out in unison "GET HIM!!!". David is pulled into the closet, which is still pitch black, and the door is slammed firmly behind him.

"Turn on the light."

"I can't reach it."

"Stop that! You're poking me in the eye!"

"Does anybody else smell that?"

"Shut up and get over here so I can stand on you."

"Who touched me?! Eh?"

"I can't remember if I turned the iron off..."

The high-pitched voices continue to rattle off, and David reaches out and flips on the light switch. But this closet is NOT his closet. No familiar large-ass Nosferatu-collared frock coats. No tantalizingly tight leather pants. Not even a decent skeleton or two. No, it's not even quite fair to call it a closet anymore since it has now mysteriously taken on the attributes of a Mystical Forest. Timid woodland creatures prance merrily along the sides of a little path, birds sing melodiously in the trees, and for the first time, David gets a good look at his captors. He's less than impressed. There's a slight resemblance to the characters envisioned by Uncle Walt (right down to those ridiculous hats that look rather like giant condoms), but no child in its right mind would want to cuddle up to these vertically challenged menfolk.

"That's better" the first dwarf says. "I guess we ought to introduce ourselves. I'm Tricky, this here is Hussy (this is the transvestite dwarf who leers at David and winks!), this is Itchy (don't get too close to him just yet, although the doctor says that he's getting better if he'd only stop *picking* at it), that one there is Sticky, that's Cranky, this one here is Sleazy, and that little fella over there is Stinky. Hey, at least you got *one* of us right in that song."

David sighs, having hoped that all this would've abated, but he knows that he's in the clutches of these Men o'the Woods, and he's resigned himself to whatever their devious plan for him is. "OK, but first I have to know *why me?*"

"Oh Mr. Bowie, you are the only one who can help us," says Tricky, "You see, it's Snow White. She..."

"....the stupid bimbo got 'er finger thumb caught in the sink!" one squeaked. "Good God," Bowie rolls his eyes,"I thought she went and married Prince Charming. You know, that fellow with the nose job and lipstick."

"Well, uh, YES! But they started having marital problems and so they thought it'd be best if they split up for a while," Happy said with a grin. "Okay," Bowie nods, "now WHY is her thumb caught in the SINK!?" "Well," Grumpy scowled, "I told her NOT to wear her wedding ring while doing the dishes, but noooooo.." "Yeah," Doc exclaimed,"but it slipped and fell down the drain. So she stuck her thumb in to try and get it. NOW she's STUCK!" There was only ONE THING Bowie could do. "Okay, boys, let's go get the chainsaw!"

Snow White was occasionally psychic. She screamed out "oh no, not the chainsaw. It's not my fault my husband didn't want me. All I did was hug him and he pushed me straight into the kitchen, demanding that I be tied to the kitchen sink for life! Now look at my fate. It's not my fault. All I did was say I'd marry him. I didn't expect it to turn out to be so difficult. I really love him, and he's so mean to me. Now you're going for the chainsaw. What am I to do?" She thought to herself, Now everyone wants to stomp on me. How can I get help? I'm in bondage here at the kitchen sink.

David and the dwarfs step into the kitchen. Snow White sees the dreaded chainsaw in his right hand and screams in such a high pitch it could break glass. David walks toward her and says," Don't worry, it's only your thumb. You'll live, I hope. If not that will be the like the millionth person I've killed since the fans started writing this annoying book. And to think it all started with getting my teeth done. I should never have gone to Kansas in the first place!"

Snow White looks at David and shrieks "I wasn't yelling about the chainsaw. Lookout behind you it's Price Charming......"

David turns to the door, expecting to see the usual stereotype of "Prince Charming", the dashing young (gay) prince. Instead, to his amazement, he finds himself face to face with himself as Jareth, the Goblin King!

"Hallo, David." Jareth says with a sneer. "I am here to seek revenge on you for stealing from Jim!"

David begins to scream as he has flashbacks to the 80's and begins to feel the guilt crashing down upon him again for stealing the wigs, makeup, and outfits from the prop room. Suddenly, he realizes that he's still holding the chainsaw, and in a blind fit of rage turns on Jareth and, like the guy from the Army of Darkness, proceeds to use the chainsaw to chop the Goblin King into tiny bite sized bits. As the dwarves shriek with joy and gather around to feast, David moves towards Snow White, blood lust glinting in his eyes...

...he runs in a fit of rage toward what he thinks is the back door to Snow White's beautiful castle, but instead of landing on solid ground he falls for what seems to be an eternity.....

So David falls and falls and falls and falls and falls and when he can finally stand it no longer he begins to scream. After screaming for awhile he realizes how hopeless his situation is and stops screaming like a baby. With a sudden whump/splat noise he lands! He attempts to voice his pain with a proper expletive but loses consciousness. Upon awakening, he find himself lying in a beautiful green field, with vaguely face-like clouds looking down at him....

So the poor chap finds himself in a wonderfully LUSH green field and he notices he's wearing a cut up uniform resembling a British flag. He stands to face out towards a powder-blue lake, bewildered but strangely serene. The nimbus clouds gently run across the sky and there's an ever so gentle wind. "My," Bowie sighs, "this HAS been the most SPLENDID surprise I've ever experienced. I think I'll write an album about it. I'll call it.....EARTHLING, but mess up the letters so the people at the Message Board will be confused long enough for me to get away from this damned story." ......

And we do get confused and Bowie flys far, far away through a vortex, a dark milky vortex, and never to return. Milky is the wrong word. Creamy, almost like buttermilk, but warm and sweet. This flows all around Bowie's body, the sweetness permeating his every pore until he becomes one with it. But then he crashes down suddenly on some barren field, goes unconscious, and is licked clean by a pack of hungry lions. Fortunately for Bowie, these particular lions don't have a taste for old rock stars who've already hit their peak and who just pump out shit (the narrator of this story is lynched by the Board Members, given firm talks by Hel and Dara, and Ramona dishes out the spankings) who is a wonderful musician, the cutting edge if you will, the true great of rock and roll music today, a rock God, if you will.

Bowie stands up and brushes the lion fur off. "Hmn," he says to himself. Yes, that's right. Just 'hmn'. Not too profound, is it. Not every utterance from *oh great one* is brilliant, so lay off, buck-o!! And if I hear another word out of you, I'll kick your little skinny butt all over this Message Board! Okay, now, as I was saying, Bowie's brushing himself off when a little lady walks up to him from out of nowhere. Here, LIVE on the scene:

Bowie: "Hello there, little lady". Little Lady: "I'm not that little." Bowie: "Oh, I'm sorry. I did not mean anything by it." Little lady: "Fuck off, Gramps."

Little lady storms offstage.

Bowie: "Well, that certainly was something. Have I lost my sexual appeal? Have I lost my table manners? Do I talk with food in my mouth? What is happening to me? I am falling apart. Where is Eno when you need him? Oh, God! I depend too much on that man. Hell, I admit it. Without Eno I wouldn't be anywhere. No Ziggy Stardust, or Diamond Dogs, or...wait a minute, he didn't help me on those albums! Hell, I even produced Diamond Dogs by myself!! Golly, what a spring of positive feelings I have most decisively unclogged.

Bowie goes a running and skipping and jumping around. The old style Beatles come out of nowhere and start jumping around with him, acting stupid. The song HELP comes on...AND THEN MICHAEL BOLTON LANDS IN A METALLIC SUIT. HE PULLS HIS HELMET OFF, HIS SHINING BLOND HAIR GLOWS IN THE MIDDAY SUN *imagine an atomic explosion* and no more Michael Bolton--the crowd goes wild! They want more, and they want it bad--next, Little Lady hits back on the scene.

Little lady: "What the fuck am I doing back here?" Bowie: "Please don't leave. Love me. Oh, love me tender." Little Lady: "Who are they?"

The Beatles are still running around like morons, and are immediately plucked up by the big hand from the sky.

Bowie: "John Lennon, he said *aim.*"
Beavis: "uh, huhuhuhhuh, huhuh...huh (Beavis explodes, vanishes in a puff of smoke)
Little lady: "Wait a minute, you're not-"
Bowie: "Yes."
Little Lady: "You can't be--"
Bowie: "Yes, I'm afraid so."
Little lady: "Steve Barritz?"
Bowie: "Yes, I'm...who? Who is GOD'S NAME is Steve Barritz, and I'm sorry about raising my letters."
Little lady: "Who is Steve Barritz, is that what I heard you say?
Well, he's just the most..."

"The most, um, ah, I'm not even going to bother with you!"

As Little Lady storms offstage for the second time, suddenly Damon Albarn from the band Blur is standing right in front of David. David says, "Hello, aren't you that kid with that band, um, stir, or, fur or something?" "It's called Blur and David I love you, I mean, um, come away with me." Suddenly Trent Reznor appears. "No, He's mine, all mine, come on David, let's go!" Reznor says with a devilish smile on his face. "Um, I can't go anywhere except back to my house in New York, then maybe the stupid fans will stop writing this damn story about me." "O.K., I can take you there." Trent grabs David's hand and starts to fly, dragging David with him........