Chapter: 1 2
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The following is an ongoing work of composite fiction by
contributors from the Message Board. Due to the erratic nature of
its construction the editors apologize for any omissions or lack of
attribution to the proper authors. This story is on-going and will be
archived here periodically. For current chapters, comments, or to
add you own chapter, please visit the Message Board. This story is
a work of fiction. Names have been changed to protect the guilty
and any similarity to actual events is purely coincidental.
.....as David wakes up (approx 50 years later, and from a heavy
...he is overwhelmed by the sense of deja vu. Strange, he thinks to
himself, I've been having these feelings my entire life, and never
really came to think about it 'til now.......wonder if that Vesta
Goddess character has anything to do with it........
As he reaches to scratch his itching scalp he discovers that he's
wearing a wig, a long, lightbrown, slightly curly one at that.
Checking his surroundings, he finds himself outstretched on a
creaky old divan, covered with blue velvet, wearing a tacky
synthetic fake silk dress, covered with large blotchy blue flowers,
and a pair of black plateu boots. A deck of cards has been thrown
on the floor, and someone has even gone through the trouble of
putting the queen of hearts in his right hand.
"Ah shit! Those surgeons have turned me into the late sixties
variant instead! I thought Brian was supposed to take care of this."
He exclaims to himself in a VERY irritated tone of voice indeed....
"Well let's just get the hell out of here!" he continues his
spontaneous monolog muttering...
There's just one door in the room which leads straight out into
busy street, it seems to be night, and luckily there's not many
people around to admire our hero's "new" attire.
Meanwhile Iggy has finally found his way back home too and
started mixing up a new facemask since he got the feeling that all
that blood might be bad for his complexion.....
As David passes a rundown old cafe who does he see to his
surprise as he lazily glances in, if not Carlos Alomar, having a chat
over a cup of good ol' java with Grace Jones.
"Carlos!" David exclaims as he rushes through the door, glad to see
an old friend.
"Traitor!" Carlos exclaims. "How could you possibly prefer that
wannabie metal/trash pouchy old Reeves to a funky guy such as
myself!?" His lower lip starting to tremble a bit.......
David doesn't' get any further in his feeble attempt to explain
himself since a sixfoot redneck stomps up to him yelling "-HEY
FRIUTCAKE....NIGGERLOVER!" pulling a .45 on an astonished
Grace, acting with lightning speed, jumps up on the table and
delivers a well aimed karate-kick at the the raging redneck's hand.
The .45 sails towards David who accidentally pulls the trigger as he
catches it, shooting the raging redneck in the stomach. As he falls
to the floor, he rips David's dress from him, leaving our hero stark
naked with a smoking gun in his hand as the Cops burst down the
cafe door........" I don't get it.." David says with a shiver of double
deja vu running down his spine "...it was such a nice dress."
Luckily (sort of), for David (being hauled off by the cops) the
Jukebox of the Cafe starts playing a Mariah Carey song which
triggers his alarm chip just in time before Grace tears the poor
Wurlizer into shreds with her bare hands.
Iggy back home: "Oh, NO! Not again!".......................
In the jailhouse sat David, forlorn, and looking about his drab
surroundings. He wondered why he had committed such a dumb
crime. He sat pondering for a moment what happened to all the
Bowie clones when the guard roughly pulled him out of his cell
without saying a word. Apparently Iggy finally responded to his
way late distress signal and came to bail him out using all the
money he earned from doing the "Lust for Life - Trainspotting"
video. "What the hell happened to your face Iggs?" David looked
at Iggy's purple splotchy skin. "You look terrible!"
"Yr distress signal interrupted my face mask ritual causing the
substance to be all lumpy, which totally ruined my complexion"
Iggy flailed his arms around his bare chest.
"Yeah, like yr the bloody fool with the problems! Now, did you
bring me any clothes? I refuse to be seen in such normal jail-wear!"
He impatiently stared at Iggy with first his blue eye and than his
brown while they walked into the bathroom. Iggy diverted the gaze
nervously. "The only thing I could dig up was this." Iggy pulled
out a spiky blond wig streaked with blue and glitter. "Remember, it's
from the scene when you were dancing with Sara."
"Of course I remember you bloody fool!" David said as he pulled
on his tight cream colored pants that in the 80's gave many little
boys nightmares, and little girls sweet dreams.
"Oh man, David! Cover yourself up!" "What? I like these pants,
they make me feel manly.Plus Iman likes them!" In full garb, Iggy
and David walk into the night. Having quite a Hunger after the
events that had occurred, David found the ankh shaped dagger he
always wore around his neck. It was rather hard to resist the
temptation of slashing Iggy's throat and drinking the earthling's
blood. Instead he managed to lose him by shoving Iggy's skinny
body down a crevasse leading to the bog of eternal stench.
"Good riddance!" he thought to himself. Suddenly, Jennifer
Connely ran up to him out of nowhere holding what looked like a
dead, musty animal. "Oh, thank you!" shouted David. "You found
my Warhol wig!" David snatched the wig from her hands, and
reminisced about playing his old pal in "Basquiat".
"David, I've changed my mind about you," said "Sara" "I realize
now that I want you to be my slave..."
"Oh Sara, my love.... are you getting me confused with Symbol, the
Artist Formerly Known As Prince - I'm not an advert for Beck's beer
either (The Beer Formerly Known as Hops), I'm Bowie, formerly
known as Jones, and my Welsh ancestry would never allow me to
be a slave to anyone. So, Sara my love, I must go - I have to wear
this wig and flares, and meet Iman at Zandra Rhodes' fancy dress
ball. I must fly or I'll be late".
"Oh, but David, I want you to be MY slave, and now that you've
got rid of Iggy, there's only you and me here - and Iman's....
"...and Iman's moved on to Vivienne Westwood's fancy dress ball,
and and you certainly can't go THERE looking like this - you need
to get dressed properly, those flares won't do there, even if Iman
"Sara darling, just listen to me" says David. "Iman isn't what she
appears to be, besides we are meeting where she has a sewing
machine stashed and she promised to take my flares in before we
go to the dance."
"But David I love you!"
"Now, now Sara, take this package home with you for now, and I'll
call you tomorrow.
Sara, in tears, runs home pulling her hair out wondering where she
went wrong, All she can do now is sit at home and wait for the
Meanwhile David heads for the Central Railway Station.
Sara gets into her car and wonders why she is crying, and why she
told David that she loves him. Suddenly she remembers that her
biorythms are out of harmony today, she looks at the clumps of hair
in each of her hands and says to herself "oh dear, this really will be
a terrible hair day if I keep mutilating my hair like this!!!".
She suddenly realizes that there is something else in her hand - oh,
David gave me this, and I was so upset that he had to disappear
before he became my slave for the rest of this eternity that I
completely forgot he'd given me anything at all. I bet it's some silly
lamp with a note telling me to rub it and a genie will appear!!!! I
can't believe that he's just run off in his flares like that!!!! Oh, and
now I've got to wait for his phone call tomorrow - why will he call
me tomorrow, anyway, he didn't even kiss me goodbye, simply
sauntered off to the train station!! I'm very confused - I thought I
was supposed to be in control of this situation. I can't possibly
open this package, I might get even more upset. I don't know what
to do. Oh David ...... I hate you ...... you've gone running off with
Iman and a Singer sewing machine now!!!! Well, I guess it was very
sweet of you to let me know you'll phone tomorrow, but I'll bet Iggy
will take you back to jail and then you'll not have any access to a
telephone. Oh, what did I do wrong? What did I do wrong? What
did I do wrong? And why did David give me a present? Oh, I think
I'm going to die of curiosity before tomorrow!!! Oh, and why is
David travelling on public transport, this is getting more and more
confusing by the moment. Oh, I think I'm going to die of curiosity, I
can't stand all this excitement and suspense any longer, I really
can't. All my mystique suddenly flew out of the window, I really
don't understand what David's up to now. Oh, oh, oh - and what am
I going to do about all these clumps of hair? Oh no!!!!"
And so Sara sobbed herself to sleep.
Sara dreamed of Jupiter, God of all Gods and lover of many women,
she dreamed that she was Juno, the only mortal to have any status
in Jupiter's domain. She dreamed that she was the First Lady of the
immortal God, and suddenly LAM drove up in Saturn.
"Damn!!" said Juno, Saturn always spoils the fun!!! Suddenly the
telephone rang, Sara answered the phone in an almost asleep
manner: she said "hello, Juno here".
The voice said "D'y'no? Yeah, I know lots!! Sara, is that you?"
Sara "yes, oh, I'm dreaming, oh.....who's that?"
"It's me, David, wake up!! I'm going to sleep myself soon."
Sara "What time is it?"
David: "It's 8 'o clock in the morning"
Sara: "No, it can't be, I've only just gone to sleep'"
David: "I didn't mean to wake you up, but I went to the fancy dress
ball with Iman, and I've just got back. Iman wanted to stay to talk
fashion, and I got bored so I thought I'd call you.
Sara "but why are you calling me? Will you be my slave?
What the, huh?" Sara awoke and realized she'd been having one of
those damn dreams where you dream that you dream that you're
awake, and are always so disappointed when you do finally wake
up. She signed and slipped back into dreamland.
Meanwhile, while Sara slept, David had just boarded the train
bound for Iman and the fancy dress ball.
Iman was getting pissed. She nervously awaited the return of the
Thin White Duke. Throwing darts, she had something in her eye.
"Damn it, I can't hit the broad side of a barn tonight," she thought.
"I didn't come here to play darts anyway." She felt tall in that room
overlooking the ocean.
"Where the hell is that David?"
David, sitting in the train, watched as the mountains rolled by. He
was anxious to get to the party. He knew Iman was mad. "It's too
late to be late again!" she'd warned him last time. He decided to take
a stroll about the train. He came upon the car that held all the
luggage. He was relieved to see the European cannon was there.
Then he wandered, aimlessly, from car to car when he came
No this couldn't be happening, David thought. I thought I gave
that heart with the saxophone to Sara all she needed to do to get me
to be her slave was to put a guitar pick in the box and that would
evoke my spirit to be her slave. Then David thought again. Sara
must be in dreamland because the magic of this box was that one
had to stay awake to evoke David Spirit and if you fell asleep you
would lose the spirit forever. Poor Sara.
The train finally arrived at his destination he took the box then he
decided to seek out Iman. He walked the streets It was really
peaceful and quiet. Then his mobile phone rang Drr Drr Drr Drr.
"Good Evening" said David.
"Just where are you?" screamed Iman "I got so bored I had to start
drinking, I am not waiting any longer, you know I hate going out.
What are you wearing?"
"My Flares darling" said David
"Where are you now?" said Iman
"I'm 5 minutes from the club" said David.
"Well I'll meet you Outside, in the carpark!"
"Why the car park?"
"I wanna go home!" screamed Iman, "I'm sick of all this! Just what
do you expect me to do? I need slave girls!!!"
"Can I be your slave!" said David.
"Look this is costing me, I better hang up!!"
The stars in the sky were shining particularly brightly tonight, the
moon was waxing, and David felt in good spirits.
Finally he got to the car park, picked out Iman's car, and waited.
Iman came out not soon afterwards. "It's getting warmer, isn't it"
"What is your problem Iman?"
"Well when you told me you were wearing your flares I knew we
would have to go home and make them unique."
"But they are unique", said David. "No one wears them these
"But darling, can't you see what it is doing to your image?"
"But we've got the world, darling, does it matter that much about
"You go to Jail for the night, Iggy gets you out, and then what do
you do and by the way who is Sara?"
"She wants me to be her slave!"
"Yeah and I want Bill Gates to give me everything I need for my
next fashion show."
"Iman don't start this fashion business with me remember I am older
"Yeah and I lost my virginity at 11!"
"Why are you being such a bitch?"
"I want a baby I want a Bowie Baby...."
"Come on Iman lets go to bed." The Sun rose over the horizon, the
birds began to sing, the little wonder dog in the neighbors yard
barked at the cat. This woke up David.
"Iman get me breakfast!"
"David you know I don't eat till about 4 hours after I've woken up.
Oh David I want a coffee..."
"Speaking of coffee I have to ring Sara maybe she'll come over and
make us a coffee".
"You are a genius I'll make this one go ring her."
David goes into the office he picks up the phone and dials Sara's
number. "Hi Sara."
"I fell asleep...."
"I know! You broke the spell!"
"What do you mean what are you talking about?"
"Well you know when you wanted me to be your slave?"
"If you stayed awake till the break of dawn you would have had me
as your slave."
"You mean that parcel..."
"What happens now?"
"Now you are my slave... come over..."
"But what about Iman?"
"She knows the deal...do you want a lift?"
"We'll be there in an hour!"
"Bye David, I love you...I'll be your slave."
(editor's note: wouldn't it be much easier to MAKE some danged
"Come on Iman we have to pick Sara up."
"I'm always driving around everywhere I'm just fed up with it."
"What do you want now Iman."
"I want sex I told you I want to have a Bowie Baby the thing that is
troubling me is are you capable".
David wakes with a start, realizing he had fallen asleep in the
baggage car, right next to the Eurpean Cannon, and dreamed the
whole tiff with Iman. But he has not got time to worry about such
things as strange dreams, stranger MBers, and even stranger
wandering plot lines...He has a secret gig to get to, at the Casbah,
and he's late! He's to meet his band there to rehearse for the festival
tours. They're all ready to go, complete with mud machines and
headsets. Meanwhile, his intergalactic Walkman is buzzing in his
ear....more messages from Diamond Nebula! Those pesky
aliens...what did they want NOW??? He is tired of explaining to
them that if he biomorphs, Iman won't get that Bowie Baby (and
neither will Sofie, or Sara, or....) "Oh bother" he thinks. "I'm sick of
demands! I'm going to IGNORE these aliens! I don't WANT to
biomorph tonight!" But the evil aliens cannot be so easily avoided.
Suddenly the train leaps the tracks, straight into a nightmare scene
straight out of J.G. Ballard's worst novel (David pauses briefly here
to ponder exactly WHICH novel...) and suddenly sunflowers are
everywhere, a manic guitar wails over the bizzarre city grinding out
the main theme to 'Ashes to Ashes' and David realizes he probably
ISN'T going to make it to the Dublin show....OR to Sara's, or home
to Iman....Toddling along the deserted streets in their spacesuits,
the aliens close in on our hero demanding he biomorph
immediatley....or...RETURN TO THE BOLTON FORM!!!