Teenage Wildlife

The Story Chapter Nineteen

Chapter: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21


The following is an ongoing work of composite fiction by contributors from the Message Board. Due to the erratic nature of its construction the editors apologize for any omissions or lack of attribution to the proper authors. This story is on-going and will be archived here periodically. For current chapters, comments, or to add you own chapter, please visit the Message Board. This story is a work of fiction. Names have been changed to protect the guilty and any similarity to actual events is purely coincidental.

** Jen **

David ponders this for a minute. Then, begins rummaging frantically in his pockets. With some hesitancy, he pulls out a wadded up, stuck-together-with-bubble-gum, piece of paper.

He calmly places it into the gloved hand of one of the aliens. The alien carefully peels the paper open and reads:

As directed in section 7352974.5, line B, you are hereby ordered to
purchase a Michael Bolton record. If you do not agree to these
terms, you will be visited by Michael, and forced to use Head and
Shoulders Dandruff Shampoo on his scalp.
Signed_____________ On this _______ day of _______, in the
year ___________

The aliens begin shrieking in terror, and turn on David. Realizing that this is not the Bolton Form they meant he...

: **Magienoire Torrent

: shrugs, glad to be rid of them. He climbs quickly from the train, his interplanetary walkman catching on a window frame and falling to the ground to smash into many shiny pieces. 'They just don't make interplanetary walkmen the way they used to,' David grumbles, shaking his head a bit sadly. 'Well, that's the end of that! No more interruptions from those pesky aliens.'

He brushes himself off, casts a suspicious eye at the mauve sky, and makes his way towards a nearly deserted city.

He wanders through the maze of collapsing buildings, studying the larger-than-life sized posters of Andy Warhol, J.G. Ballard, and himself splayed across almost every building. He can see fires burning in various parts of the city, and notes that the screech of the guitar was still audible in the distance, now screaming chords from Hendrix's "Purple Haze'. "David," he says quietly to himself, "I have a feeling we're not in New York anymore".

Suddenly, a burst of thunder crashes from above, and the clouds begin to swirl ominously. He sees a black spot grow from the swirl, some larger object in free fall. David stares in terror for a moment before bolting into a nearby store, where his attention is diverted by the wide variety of lingerie and pink tutus. He quickly strips of his flares (to the delight of many peeking aliens) and puts on a leotard and a nice fluffy pink tutu. He emerges from the store, completely forgetting about the swirling clouds and the falling object, only relieved to be feeling like his girlish self again. His memory is suddenly given a good jolt, however, when this object lands upon him and knocks him to the cement.

David looks up in surprise and pain to see Michael Bolton sitting on his chest, holding a bottle of Head and Shoulders Dandruff shampoo and laughing maniacally...

**Ramona (Tight Scrummy)**

The Bolton looks down from his vantage point on top of the supine Dave. "Hallo Dave," the Bolton says sexily (well, as sexily as he is capable of). "Mmmmmm mmm, now isn't this comfy? {he bounces slightly on Dave's chest, causing Prince David to grunt (a la I'm Afraid Of Americans) "We always seem to meet in the *strangest* places."

David tries, but he can't wiggle out from underneath the Bolton's bulk. Dave's thrashing about just causes Mike's smile to widen. The Bolton fingers the cap to the Head & Shoulders in a loving manner and runs the fingers on his other hand thru Dave's latest color phase.

Realizing that there's no way he can squirm out from underneath the Bolton, Dave gets pretty desperate and figures that his only hope is to try and reason with the Mane Man.

"Look", Dave manages to breath out during one of his grunts, "you know that you're going to be in a world of trouble if you don't let me get up! I'm no longer in possession of The Bolton Form, and I'm under no obligation whatsoever to buy anything of yours! You can't threaten me like this! Now put that dandruff shampoo away! Don't you know how that stuff makes my colour fade faster?"

Of course none of this is registering with the Bolton. Mike begins humming and his thumb flips open the cap on the shampoo bottle.

"Shh..." the Bolton whispers. "It'll be over before you know it."

Dave's eyes widen in fear. "If only these tights weren't so *tight*" he thinks to himself. "Then I could reach my scrummy and banish this foul fiend forever. I know I look good in tights, but I think my vanity has been my undoing here."

The Bolton's fingers leave Dave's hair. He cups his hand and starts pouring the shampoo when...

** Jenstardust ** Iman to the rescue...

Suddenly Iman appears out of a dark corner of the room and she says to THE BOLTON, "You let my man go before I whip your ass!!" The Bolton turns for a moment, but that moment was long enough for David to break free of The Bolton's grasp. David runs over to Iman and yells "clothing change!!" David snaps his fingers and he and Iman are dressed in highly fashionable ninja apparel. The Bolton turns on the two lovers and starts coming closer. David backs off a bit, but only to gain balance. Suddenly...........

** Hel ** Warrior Princess

Rosie O'Donnell thunders through the door, dressed in an outfit straight out of "Zena, Warrior Princess". She flings David aside and stands shoulder to shoulder with Iman, facing the evil Bolton form, undetered by the large, open bottle of Head and Shoulders!

"I've been wanting another good tussle since we finished working on Exit to Eden" Rosie remarks breathlessly (she'd run up ALL the stairs....) "Come on, you!" she taunts Bolton. "I'm hot for a good fight!"

Bolton looks dismayed, edging towards the door. David leans against the back wall, sucking on a Dunhill Red and a bottle of Evian water (16 oz.) .....The door opens and the Bolton form flees, as Lucy Lawless comes storming in, demanding her costume back. "I can't wear this leisure suit you left in my dressing room for my next battle scene, you idiot! Give me back my armour....NOW!!"

Zena lifts her metal chakrum in a threatening gesture, causing Rosie and Iman to flinch, envisioning their careers stunted by headlessness. With a huge sigh, Rosie follows the angry Kiwi actress from the suite to exchange clothes, while Iman slinks out after them. David continues to smoke, a friendly yet enigmatic expression on his face.

"I wonder if I SHOULD cut White Light White Heat from the summer setlist?" he muses, as he wanders back to his PC to see what the MBers are up to NOW!!!!

** Ali ** Suddenly Sales! As it so turned out, 2 or 3 choice MBers had happened across the Sales brothers. It was, in fact, Dara and Mattie on a serious bender from seeing the Labyrinth documentary. No amount of drinking fully prepares one for DB on the ceiling; but they had tried and for that one must really give them credit. Wandering out into the brisk breathy night, then, our two compatriots promptly bumped into Iggy's/Tin Machine's rhythm section.

: "Look, David's in trouble and you have to help!"

"Who?" says Hunt.

: "You know, the skinny one. English wanker. Iggy's bud. The-a - the guy who was in..."


MEANWHILE, in silicon-land, our man DB is surfing the ever-popular web. He comes across two things quite rapidly: firstly, the serious dearth of actual subject matter on his own website, and secondly, the serious dearth of American tour dates.

: "Crumbs!" he exclaims. "That's not right! Coco! You've GONE AND LET ME DOWN!"

: Is this the beginning of the end?

** Rox ** out skating on thin ice.....

As David irritably pulls down the bookmark menu in order to take another peek at the MB, panic rushes up his spine as he suddenly remembers....

"Shit! The Letterman show!!!

: (...........David really needn't worry about that, though, since there just happened to be a Paparazzi photografer (also a last minute date) at Starluck's prom and when he sees her dragging around someone in a cheap tux that looks exactly like David Bowie he makes the obvious mistake of mistaking the clone for the real Rock-artist himself. The photografer immediately calls his female counterpart, the Paparazzi reporter, to tell her to get herself at the spot NOW. She it so happens is just, as her cell phone rings, about to give Mr Letterman a quick blowjob (which is actually impossible) in order to get some juicy details about his guests' behavior backstage. She, of course already knows that David is supposed to appear on tonight's show. The information about David being at a prom is instantly forwarded to Mr Letterman in order to stir up something worth writing about. The effect is immediate: "WHAT! He's supposed to appear on MY show in TWO HOURS!!"

Letterman snatches the phone from the paparazzi reporter and yells "Get that skinny assed excuse for a Rockstar fag on THIS phone right NOW!" The photografer, happy to oblige, swiftly walks up to Starluck and the clone, pulling his hi-tech instamatic, exclaiming in a neutral tone: "A call for you Mr Bowie..." Starluck, being the quicker mind (let's face it clones aren't very bright), takes the phone: "Mr Bowie's secretary speaking......" : After a quick hustle (loosing the photografer on the way) they finally get to Letterman's where Starluck carefully yet firmly puts a waste-paper basket over the head of the reporter and pushes her out the door where she rams head (or rather waste-paper basket) on into a panting photografer, who drops his instamatic into an aquarium, causing great indignation from a swarm of guppies (though some of them later form a sect based on Unidentified Splashing-then-sinking Objects, also known as UStsO's). Starluck, having no idea where the real David is, takes it upon herself to save her hero's reputation. She successfully (after a promise of a extensive blowjob, not knowing the REAL workload involved, after the show) convinces Mr. Letterman that the clone in fact IS David's double-and-stand-in. She asks Mr Letterman to put his questions in such a manner that they can be answered with yes or no (in order for her to be able to prompt the clone from behind the camera). This poses no problem at all since Letterman is so full of himself and loves to hear his own voice, that he'd rather not have too much competition from his guests anyway. It all works out rather well since the clone is of the impression that this might be the perfect way to get his hands on the real David.........)

Meanwhile, Iggy has managed to crawl back up from the bog of eternal stench. It hasn't been too hard of an experience for him (Let's face it for a character like Iggy that place has the effect of "been there, done that", especially after his escapades in the early seventies). His complexion is stunning though, the muck from the bog seems to have a much better effect than peanutbutter, and he is carefully cradling his boots, filled with the precious stuff, as he makes his way barefoot down to the lab to see if Dracula and his crew can help him in decreasing the less than appealing odor of it. Muttering, "Now what should I call it, 'Pop's Perfect...', nah, 'Iggy's Incredible.....' naah..........."

: Back at the computer, still panicking about the Letterman show, David automatically continues to load the MB page as there is that "One flash of light, but no smoking pistol" ............ You see, when Ramona pulled David through that rift in time, an accidental spark of his essence flew off and landed in April 1966 in the womb of a certain Mrs. Peggy Alder, who nine months later birthed her only son, Nathan, who, 32 years and eleven months later at the exact same time of day as David, does a very similar action. This of course causes another time rift, into which David is drawn to recapture his lost piece of essence and lands in the body of said Mr. Alder as time freezes in his own time (back at HIS computer, David's that is).

What our hero faces as he regains his senses is a somewhat shabby portable computer, wearing the label "Micromack" and a flashy hologram sticker which reads "Microintel Macinside". The program currently running seems to be something called "WordDefect alfa 6.6.6". The murky atmosphere of the past-postmodern-gothic furnished office has an unsettling effect on David as he.........

** Hel ** Parallel Hell

....realizes he's just survived another time warp incident. He sighs deeply, thinking it can't be so bad as that nasty Bowiemona incident awhile back. He peeks distrustfully into the dingy art-deco mirror hanging over the Micromack 666, startled to realize he's now a mixed up cross between the suave 90's rock star he's come to enjoy being, and the spooky Nathan Adler character he'd rather foolishly created for his OUTSIDE effort. Picking up the shabby macintosh off the dusty chair in the corner, he slides through the door and out into the night, looking for a good club.

He checks out the street, realizing he's in Sweden somewhere. "Great!" he thinks. "I'll wander on down to the Pee Pee Club and look for Rox. But...will he recognize me? And...can they mix a proper fruity drink?"

Worried, our tireless hero strides off down the street in search of a taxi, wondering if a good biomorph would get his image back to normal. "Funny", he thinks, "I don't FEEL like a detective!"

Behind him in the darkened office, the screen of the 666 machine comes to life, blazing with ominous messages from Diamond Nebula. The aliens, miffed by the loss of David's intergalactic walkman, have discovered how to contact *him* via the 666. But only the dim reflection of the 666's screen in the mirror rewards their efforts. David is long gone, taxi found, off to relax at the Pee Pee Club and find some new tunes to hybridize for his upcoming "Alien" release...."And I DO so hope they have some green umbrellas, too..." he muses as the taxi speeds through the streets...

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This document last updated Saturday, 15-Apr-2000 15:37:50 EDT
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